6 days left in florida...

did my last saturday show today...felt all choked up...i'm just extremely grateful to the joy fm and the listeners who really just make up the station as a whole. we wouldn't be a radio station at it's full potential without the listeners. just wouldn't flourish. i love that non-profit radio stations can have that special relationship with listeners. we both grow in our giving of the resources we've been allotted...we're a community. for that reason, i love Christian radio. i haven't heard of any mainstream radio stations that are that connected with their listeners.

i feel like i owe them all so much. the joy fm staff for giving me a chance at this craft and discovering how much i really do love it. the listeners for giving me seconds of their time to learn all this. it's been such a rich radio experience and outside radio, living in florida has been a stretch; an uncomfortable one. like wearing shoes that don't fit. but if you gotta cross over on hot coals, no matter how tight the shoes are, you'll wear'em and they'll work for you while you cross over to the other side...

so yeah, in 6 days i'll be on my way to massachussetts, where fall and winter do exist. wow.

..ventilation..

whether you include me in your plans or mention my name or not..doesn't give me value but i still don't get it. my feelings are still hurt...i'm sick of being overlooked..

it's like a relationship of unrequitted love. you know when you're more into somebody than they're into you? that's what it feels like anyway..

i hate feeling this way. rejection sucks.

i'm so tired of this struggle. but i guess not tired enough because i always come back to it.

maybe if i looked a certain way, was extra skillful or rich, then they'd include me more..

solomon would say this is all "meaningless, a chase after the wind.." and i guess he'd be right..

i'm just venting...

boohoooo

ever have those days when you just don't get it?

i'm tryin' to be as objective as possible but it's like a thorn in my flesh that keeps pokin' right at the center of my heart...

ever since i was a kid maybe i sorta felt left out...

i wasn't planned by my parents and my siblings and i joke about how everything stopped when i was born...family trips and all that stuff because you can't take a baby on rides...

i was the surprise...

maybe i took all that to heart...ah, i don't know but it's something i struggle with off and on. it's weird though because my personality today doesn't match my past.

ever since i realized who Jesus Christ is and what He did for me, it's like a click happened between my brain and my heart..but after that the issues still remain..now it's like my job to work through all this mess..

all this resurfaced today (happens off and on)...i didn't get to go to something i really wanted to go to...like nobody thought, hey it's leslie's last month, maybe she'd wanna go with us? nope. earth to me. the world doesn't revolve around me. duh. boohoo. so needless to say, all these feelings of being left out are triggered and i'm upset, sad but trying to look up.

talked to God about it yesterday...part of me wonders if i should've asked if i could go. but then that's just like me the little sister asking if i could tag along and who likes that? i don't know, maybe i should've asked...ah well. the truth is that if God thought it necessary for me to go, he would've had me go. God is faithful and i need to trust that. so faithful.

anytime this thorn in my flesh pokes, i don't wanna give in to the lie that i'm missing out but it's habit. man, God is so good though...He's makin' my dreams come true. He really hears every cry and even last night when i was struggling with this whole thing of "everybody gets to go except for me," it's like hello! i'm not married with children, tied down that this would be my only chance at fun..i can get up go anywhere i want. plus, the new adventure God's so generously bestowed upon me! i get to move to mass. for my first full-time radio gig! ..so neat, like, God knows my favorite things and He's setting it up just like that...my favorite weather, lifestyle, shopping...sounds cheesy but God's creator of it all...even cheese, which i sooo love, btw..

plus, i guess my kind of theme park is the mall or h&m. the only time i'd ride a rollercoaster is if the weather is cool enough...last year i got to go to disney world for the first time and only got on 2 or 3 rides...it was fun but i think i would have more fun sitting in a coffeeshop spending time chatting with good friends and laughing. i love laughing. may God never take that away from me. and if He would, i'd still get to laugh in heaven i'm sure. i wonder why there's no documentation of Jesus laughing...there's a verse that says he wept...wrote on the ground..but i know He laughed. we're made in His image and come on, he camped out with a bunch of simpletons...they had to have laughed...

k, back on topic..i'll get over it. i asked God if i'll ever overcome this thorn of mine and turns out that we'd be perfect if we didn't have a thorn in our flesh...i guess we all have a thorn. we all have a weakness. it's what's supposed to propel us to lean on God's grace, strength..and not our own. okay. but in His grace, strength, we do overcome moment by moment..

oh and aside my little drama...9 years ago today our world was changed on september 11, 2001 when the world trade center was demolished by terrorist attacks...3,000 lives lost...i hope it never happens again..