Stuffed and ready for more!

(this blog's gonna be kinda random but i promise it won't be depressing)it's now been a week since i arrived home to texas for the holidays and i'm already dreading the saying goodbye part. i've had such a great time with my family and i wish my days were always full of family time.

been stuffing my face like crazy and i feel like there've been lots of God-moments since the week i left. by "God-moments" i mean i've had some rich conversations with strangers and with family.

just finished eating some of my dad's famous fajitas and my mom's amazing beans with rice, then my sister's amazing cake and coffee...it's safe to say i am stuffed! i didn't even want to move earlier because i was so full...pushed myself off the bed to do something other than nap. Sunday naps are the best but can be dangerous right after such stuffage of the face. i've had like no self-discipline in my eating during this vacay...i eat and eat and eat...it's soooo good..the food..

alright, lets get down to business...taking a look back at this year, i think God's always so merciful to me. i could very well be His favorite.. don't hate...i'm sure HE somehow loves you the same...haa

i want to apologize for the plethora of depressing blog entries i've produced since the beginning...things are changing and i've learned...i'm ready for more to learn but with a new perspective..there's a slight fear attached to me saying all that...like "oh man, what if some bad stuff has to happen for more learning? who likes having bad stuff to deal with?? not me.."

next year i want to get to the root of the things that hinder me from walking closer to God. i want to ask those hard questions without fear of what the answers are. i want my mission in life to be, making Jesus famous with all i got.

it's His will, right?

k...nap time!

Music, Coffee Shop, The Holidays

i love all the christmas decor. i love the music. sitting in a coffee shop is cozy. it makes for a bloggy mood.

i'm single and i think now i have a healthy dose of alone time.

before, i think i had too much time alone that it sort of made me resent married couples. bad. i know.

most people thought it weird that an outgoing girl like myself was having trouble connecting. there were single people i knew but no real connections.

it's easy to automatically point the finger at me. i even did. i would ask God what was wrong with me. i missed my nashville friends so much.

the only explanation i have is that it was a season God wanted me to grow through. this was the season of me being a student.

i don't think i made all the right choices to fully grow in that season but i'm still thankful for the stuff i did grow in.

spiritually, i don't think i've grown too much. i take full responsibility for that. i know i could make more of an effort but havent. well, not until now.

the people i'm surrounded by are all about their faith. they live it, so it makes me wanna live it. it's been like a week that i've not been so livin' it. by that i mean, like, i haven't watered the plants. no bible, yes some prayer but slackin'. i don't want to wake up earlier than i already have to. guess my flesh is king these days. i get home and i want to be lulled by the television. i don't even have the good cable.

excuses excuses. that bothers me. something else that bothers me is something that happened last night. i went to a cell-group and as an ice breaker we bounced a ball of questions around. my question was "what/who would you give your life for?" the christian answer would be "Jesus." I said it. honestly i've not thought about that. i don't wanna just say something because it's proper or because it's the christian response. i wanna say i would die for JEsus because i know in my heart without a doubt. would i sacrifice all for Him? if someone were to put a gun to my head and ask me to deny Jesus exists, i'd argue back with the truth that He does but do i have all the ammunition to defend myself? oh man, i'm waaaay over analyzing here...remember colombine? "do you believe in God?" basically, if i said "yes," i wanna die for saying "yes" from the bottom of my heart. that's all my drama these days..

Thanks and Giving...

just realized this holiday is made up of 2 verbs back to back. interesting.

people usually say "thanks" after you give them something.

some people give things as a way of saying "thank you."

anyway, it's now a little over a month that i've been working at the q99.7, a new radio station in feeding hills, mass. october was a bit extra stressful due to the annual pledge drive to raise money so we can stay on the air. i'm still learning where everything's at.

there are days i stay late just catching up. i'm on the morning show and on mid-days. i'm supposed to do office work in between and i guess after. this tires me. but i'm not here to complain. i'm thankful i have this job. this is what i've always dreamed of doing. if i don't get rest, too bad. i'm gonna stick it through. i'm gonna fight.

first time in my life i only have to worry about cleaning my toilet and no one else's.

first time in my life i get to sleep in on the weekends.

first time in my life i have a set schedule 5 days out of the week.

first time i get to talk and encourage on 2 shows in one day every day!

first time i get to be a part of those "work meetings" every week.

first time i get to live on my own in a city that experiences all 4 seasons.

first time i get to make coffee because i want to, not because i have to.

i get to give encouragement to people who've grown up without it.

i get to know those people that are usually portrayed on movies like home alone and all those east-coast-ish based movies. i'm living in the midst of it.

so anyway, i'm thankful and i don't wanna forget all this when things get stressful...i love that my work place allows me to stop, ask for prayer/encouragement to go on and do the best that i can do. that's my goal. i want to do my best. best part about this job is that it's FUN!!

p.s. if you like the picture i posted, you can find more at http://www.epiclifecreative.com/

it's been 2 weeks since you looked at me....

living in massachussetts. it’s a long name to spell. aside spelling it out, i love it.

the new job is still new but it’s never boring. i get to be surrounded by a team who loves Jesus and He’s the center of this whole radio ministry. it’s that missional focus that lured me in. sure it can get a bit stressful but it’s only when others get stressed…sometimes it could me, sometimes it could be others. there’s some that are always steadfast and i’m glad i get to be sharpened by them. i need to learn how to be steadfast. to hold on to the truth over whatever my circumstance.

it’s so crazyto think that i’m seeing faces of new england i have never seen before and God had it all planned. these faces i would see some day. here we are. every face has a story. i wonder. the lady in her black and white coat, what’s her story? that couple sitting in the booth across from me, what’s their story? the lady that asked me to move out of my seat yesterday, what’s her story? if i keep this in mind, i hope compassion keeps stirring into flame…

i’m still praying about what church i’m supposed to be a part of but then again, i kinda feel like i already belong in one. the question is, do i feel this way because i work with a lot of those people at my job, or is this another comfort zone i need to avoid? like, are the connections i’ve made with these specific people part of God’s plan to lead me in the right direction? i’m gonna pray about it some more.

i wanna pray more. i need more of that in my life. whatever happened to praying and believing God would do what He said He would do if we did? feels like i just faded out of believing in santa clause or somethin’..

all this to say, i love it here in massachussetts. it’s dark. it’s unchurched. it’s where i belong. not because there are people like me. it’s because there aren’t. i’m not sayin’ oh look at me, i’m perfect. no. what i am sayin’ is i have hope. hope is here. i’m just another candle to add to the mantle here in new england. hoping to expand the radius of hope in a dark cold place. not everybody is cold during the cold. but there’s a huge chunk of glaciers that need thawing. i’m here to be of use. i’m thankful. this excites me. my drama can be used to thaw. how cool. so if you think of me, pray for courage. it’s not always easy to be open and transparent but i think that’s why it’s so powerful…

if i stick with Jesus, i guess fear will be demolished. pray for me to keep coming to God for everything, every day. i can’t do this alone.

6 days left in florida...

did my last saturday show today...felt all choked up...i'm just extremely grateful to the joy fm and the listeners who really just make up the station as a whole. we wouldn't be a radio station at it's full potential without the listeners. just wouldn't flourish. i love that non-profit radio stations can have that special relationship with listeners. we both grow in our giving of the resources we've been allotted...we're a community. for that reason, i love Christian radio. i haven't heard of any mainstream radio stations that are that connected with their listeners.

i feel like i owe them all so much. the joy fm staff for giving me a chance at this craft and discovering how much i really do love it. the listeners for giving me seconds of their time to learn all this. it's been such a rich radio experience and outside radio, living in florida has been a stretch; an uncomfortable one. like wearing shoes that don't fit. but if you gotta cross over on hot coals, no matter how tight the shoes are, you'll wear'em and they'll work for you while you cross over to the other side...

so yeah, in 6 days i'll be on my way to massachussetts, where fall and winter do exist. wow.

..ventilation..

whether you include me in your plans or mention my name or not..doesn't give me value but i still don't get it. my feelings are still hurt...i'm sick of being overlooked..

it's like a relationship of unrequitted love. you know when you're more into somebody than they're into you? that's what it feels like anyway..

i hate feeling this way. rejection sucks.

i'm so tired of this struggle. but i guess not tired enough because i always come back to it.

maybe if i looked a certain way, was extra skillful or rich, then they'd include me more..

solomon would say this is all "meaningless, a chase after the wind.." and i guess he'd be right..

i'm just venting...

boohoooo

ever have those days when you just don't get it?

i'm tryin' to be as objective as possible but it's like a thorn in my flesh that keeps pokin' right at the center of my heart...

ever since i was a kid maybe i sorta felt left out...

i wasn't planned by my parents and my siblings and i joke about how everything stopped when i was born...family trips and all that stuff because you can't take a baby on rides...

i was the surprise...

maybe i took all that to heart...ah, i don't know but it's something i struggle with off and on. it's weird though because my personality today doesn't match my past.

ever since i realized who Jesus Christ is and what He did for me, it's like a click happened between my brain and my heart..but after that the issues still remain..now it's like my job to work through all this mess..

all this resurfaced today (happens off and on)...i didn't get to go to something i really wanted to go to...like nobody thought, hey it's leslie's last month, maybe she'd wanna go with us? nope. earth to me. the world doesn't revolve around me. duh. boohoo. so needless to say, all these feelings of being left out are triggered and i'm upset, sad but trying to look up.

talked to God about it yesterday...part of me wonders if i should've asked if i could go. but then that's just like me the little sister asking if i could tag along and who likes that? i don't know, maybe i should've asked...ah well. the truth is that if God thought it necessary for me to go, he would've had me go. God is faithful and i need to trust that. so faithful.

anytime this thorn in my flesh pokes, i don't wanna give in to the lie that i'm missing out but it's habit. man, God is so good though...He's makin' my dreams come true. He really hears every cry and even last night when i was struggling with this whole thing of "everybody gets to go except for me," it's like hello! i'm not married with children, tied down that this would be my only chance at fun..i can get up go anywhere i want. plus, the new adventure God's so generously bestowed upon me! i get to move to mass. for my first full-time radio gig! ..so neat, like, God knows my favorite things and He's setting it up just like that...my favorite weather, lifestyle, shopping...sounds cheesy but God's creator of it all...even cheese, which i sooo love, btw..

plus, i guess my kind of theme park is the mall or h&m. the only time i'd ride a rollercoaster is if the weather is cool enough...last year i got to go to disney world for the first time and only got on 2 or 3 rides...it was fun but i think i would have more fun sitting in a coffeeshop spending time chatting with good friends and laughing. i love laughing. may God never take that away from me. and if He would, i'd still get to laugh in heaven i'm sure. i wonder why there's no documentation of Jesus laughing...there's a verse that says he wept...wrote on the ground..but i know He laughed. we're made in His image and come on, he camped out with a bunch of simpletons...they had to have laughed...

k, back on topic..i'll get over it. i asked God if i'll ever overcome this thorn of mine and turns out that we'd be perfect if we didn't have a thorn in our flesh...i guess we all have a thorn. we all have a weakness. it's what's supposed to propel us to lean on God's grace, strength..and not our own. okay. but in His grace, strength, we do overcome moment by moment..

oh and aside my little drama...9 years ago today our world was changed on september 11, 2001 when the world trade center was demolished by terrorist attacks...3,000 lives lost...i hope it never happens again..

Like A Lion

it's my anthem and it was written by daniel bashta...

Like A Lion

Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To see a revolution somehow.
Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To bring a revolution somehow

Pre- chorus
Now I'm lost in your freedom
This world I'll overcome.

Chorus:
My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

Verse 2:
Let hope arise and make the darkness hide
My faith is dead
I need a resurrection somehow

Bridge:
Let Heaven roar and fire fall
come shake the ground
with the sound of revival

"Never, Never, No Never give up!"

it's a winston churchill quote that i just read in somebody else's facebook page favorite quotes...

i thought i'd own it too...

i love hope.

hope runs through my veins.

it's what rolls off my tongue...(well not all the time but it's my heart to do that more)

it's what i eat for lunch. (tryin' to be all figurative-ish..hehe)

it's where i rest.

hope. (so beautiful..i love it.)

it all began on the day when everything impossible was deemed possible...some call it the "resurrection" and i call it the day hope was born for all mankind.

there i was doing my job. another day. borderline mundane if it weren't for the fact i am passionate about the area of work i was engaged in...radio ministry. so i get a phone call. and it's from an old friend i made in nashville. he used to be the producer for a popular christian radio station there. i was a volunteer turned board-op within months...oh yeah, i was pro..lol i remember one of my friends sayin' "a monkey could do this..." so call me a monkey! i did it well. i would stay after hours making lanyards, organizing the promotions room, editing audio, answering phones, whatever i could do to show them i wanted to be a part of the team...i guess i was already a part of the team but to me it didn't feel like i was a part of the team unless i got a job there...so that became my mission...i tried and tried...no cigar...

i remember hearing the producer say "doesn't it bother you that you're doing all the work and somebody else is getting paid for it?" and i'd shy away and say "don't say that!" but the truth was yeah it frickin' bothered me because i, unlike some of their employees, wanted to be there! i think it's not fair when people are at a job especially in media (cuz it's so hard to get a media job) and they're just coasting away just because it pays the bills...no passion really...just because you're good at something doesn't mean you have passion to do it. if you're not passionate about it, let somebody else do it who DOES have passion. there are people who are dying to even have a chance at being inside the building you call "work." when i was a board-op in nashville i met this other guy who was doing the same job at that station and one day he told me he was quitting...and i thought he was crazy! see, i wanted to work in radio so badly that even this little job was a "foot in the door" to me...anyway, he went on to explain to me that he wasn't passionate about it and he didn't wanna keep somebody else from gettin' their foot in the door...wow...just sayin' give somebody else a shot...you'll be glad you did. :-)

i'm super thankful to actually know what i'm made to do. i know what my craft is. i'm still an amateur but happy to be one! hehe...anyway, man, i'm going all over the place here...okay so the producer i made friends with in nash, called me up and offered me a job at his station in feeding hills, massachusetts! after consulting with my radio mentor, i knew this was my next step but i just wanted to be sure...so i talked it over with old church peeps and family and God...and then, behold, i saw a hotpink neon sign that said: "LESLIE GO FOR IT!!!"

jusssst kidding. i so wanted that though. so steps of faith are basically giving more weight to what you know about God and what he's done in your life versus the "what-if's" of life. so i'm making the next step. i should title this season of life as "the next step," because it's all i've been hearing ever since then...just to make it clear, this is my first full-time radio gig!!! yeah!!! wooooo!!! never in my wildest dreams did i ever see this coming!

i was a suicidal, eating disorder girl who was tryin' to find her identity in a guy and anything else on earth years ago...and God found me on the floor of my dorm in iowa...crying because of the pain my life was causing me...well, it was my choices...i told God i didn't wanna live that way anymore and that i knew he made me for something greater and i asked him to forgive me for not living the life he intended for me...i was ruined from there on...

God makes something out of nothing. water to wine. beautiful creation out of emptiness...

if you have dreams, don't give up. it's not far-fetched. a real dream won't let you sleep at night. a question i asked myself once was: "if you were to die tomorrow, what's the job you'd dream of doing?" if you're sort of "iffy" on what your purpose in life is or what you were made to do, no worries, keep asking God...He'll lead you to the right opportunities...one step at time. step one: trust him.

but something good to remember is put your hope in him, not in anything else. i'm learning that..sometimes i think that's a choice i need to make on a daily basis. putting my hope in him, his mysterious ways...i can't believe this is happening to me!!! ahhh!!! :-) i'm honored really. this radio station is a baby, only 3 years old and i'm honored to be a part of the raising it up to be a shining beacon of hope for many in the new england area. i look forward to learning from all of this too...i wanna be a beacon of hope too you know...yep. so...

never, never, no never give up.

Hope never disappoints

the whole purpose of this blog is coming full circle...

if you read to your right, you'll see the purpose.

i've been documenting my journey...

and so now what do you think has happeneD??

:-)

welp...yep.

more details soon!!!

youth camp came and went but

was super!

i mean the food and activities sucked but the fellowship i had with the girls was priceless.

it was worth it. i mean, i was on my period and pretty bitchy but still not bitchy enough to squeeze out love. love remains. love girds.

it's soooo cool to see someone understand something for the very first time. to see them click. i saw that this past week at youth camp. i got to hear these kids' stories and man, i love'em even more now.

whenever ppl. go through sucky times, it's a given that's what God's gonna use to point others to Him. how could that be good for God? well, because He makes beautiful things out of ugly things...he makes something out of nothing....turns water to wine...that type of stuff. miraculousness.

so we are.

praying, waiting, praying

it's this new season approaching..

by the end of next week i'll know where all this will be going.

by the end of next week life will change for the better.

i say that not knowing the outcome but knowing the creator of it all.

time with family and friends has been good.

time with the rents...they ask a lot of questions...make me think about stuff i don't feel like thinking about...heck, i just want a vacay from thinking.

speaking of thinking...

have you ever texted/emailed someone and they don't respond? opens up a novel of assumptions..."i annoy you. you're mad at me. you're weirded out by me for some reason. you don't care much about me like i care about you. you're sick of me. i'm not that important to you.." those are the thoughts that fly around my brain..

i don't know why i care so much about what you think. i guess i just wanna be loved, accepted...and it seems that even though God has accepted me, i'm still not satisfied. there must be something i'm not understanding..
lame. i know. it's where i be.
ah well. gah lee, this all sounds so boohoo but it's me just being honest...not expecting a reaction.

just realized that as much as we try to love, our love is still tainted..and..

lately i've been pretty jerky to my parents. the 2 people who love me unconditionally. they may get on my nerves but i love them. i think the reason i'm such a jerk to them is because of all the times i've had to hold in the jerk-in-me from people who aren't family..i put the mask on. i let it snowball....forget to unload it to God...and so it's easy to just let it loose and take it out on family because i know they won't fire me or disown me...i can't keep collecting the jerkynessess...must dispose of them to God somehow...is it simply in confessing this to God where all this crap is released? the whole depths of the sea thing? i'll try it and let you know..

i'm a radio, i'm a radio girl...

get it? instead of a material girl, i'm a...k, cheesy, i know..

come august it'll be 1 year of doing live breaks on the air.

man, it's been a tough road.

most of the hurdles have just been battle of the mind type of stuff. big.

it's like somebody's tryin' to sabotage my destiny.

i wonder who...

sometimes i keep my walls up. sometimes i let them come down. but then there's that slight regret or regret of letting them down.

making friends in florida's still not the easiest but it's slowly progressing. slowly.

i say that carefully. i mean, sure i have fun co-workers at both my jobs but that doesn't mean we're hangout buddy material for each other, and that's okay. it's not a put-down on any party. it's just how things are.

takes time to make real friends. with that said. i'm afraid to assume people are my friends...

okay, you know what's been such a battle? wanting to be loved so badly. and it's not even by the opposite or same sex. lol it's just in general. i've been asking God why the heck do i feel such a need?? tryin' to retrace my steps...i mean, i have a great loving family-not perfect by any means but good enough. i feel this huge burden to be loved by people i trust. does that sound odd? i mean, shouldn't it be the other way around? burdened to love others? oh man, and then there's this fear of rejection that pretty much parallels with worry. no bueno..

oh man, there've been times when i've almost lost it. like just insane battle. it's spiritual. i was born insecure. we all are. we all have the need to be loved. because we live in a fallen world, we're not sure of what love is at times. thankfully God came up with the big book called the Bible. inside he gives us a blueprint for love. 1 cor. 13. one of the things that love isn't is self-seeking. if this whole chapter were a job application i'd be underqualified. sounds brutal but you go read that thing...it's real and true.

i think most of my stupid decisions and thoughts are cooked up by this insane need to be loved. i know God loves me and unconditionally at that, but so why am i still behaving this way? it's funny now that i think of it, how God knows that i'm selfish and this "why me" phase doesn't phase him. he still loves me...gently lets me know, hey just fix your mind on me and then none of this will bother you. touche.

at my radio job, it's hard not to compare myself to others. they're all better than me in so many ways. i mean they've all been in radio way longer than i have... i wish i was good at lots of things but i'm not. all i have is this passion to do an on-air show that doesn't suck. i just have this passion to be able to make radio into a more personal relationship with strangers. all i have is this passion to speak life. to make smiles miles away. that's my thing i guess. sadly it doesn't provide that much value. only time will give any of this value i guess...but seth godin is right. validation is overrated. i've already been validated. God's the author of my destiny. it's the only explanation i have for being where i am. you'd believe it too if you saw water turn to wine. well, i'm the water.

God's been sooo gracious, man. i'll be covering mid-days for the next 2 weeks. and then after that, i'll be on sundays in addition to saturdays. thinking about how i've been making coffee for strangers for almost 5 years might kill my "i can't believe i'm on the radio"-buzz but that's okay. i know God is good. like, you don't even know....when i get open and vulnerable with God, it's when i see God, who He is. love. makes me teary. how can this massive diety understand and have the capacity to love the most undeserving? hell, i don't know but i'll fall heavy in his arms if he'll have me. and so that's what i do.

SEX and The City...but without

the sex. i stumbled onto this show months ago on tbs...sex sells. i'm guilty of using it to lure you into reading my blog...hehe

something about the word "sex" just always made me wanna keep my distance. not that sex is wrong but it's just not part of my lifestyle. there's other stuff more important...

so anyway, aside the sex, i can sooo relate with these 4 single women. my favorite character is carrie bradshaw played by sarah jessica parker...there's something about a straight-up hardcore fashionista smoking a cigarrette that makes me wanna do it too, forgetting how much i hate the stench it leaves on people...

the only parts i can't relate with are the sex ones.

1. because i've never had sex.

2. sex isn't my world...not just because of not ever doing it but it's just not at the center of what i care about...so why this blog? k, just keep reading.

i was sorta justifying it in my head that it was okay to watch this show because hey, these are single women just like me (minus the casual sexing)...waiting for mr. right....they love to shop and especially for shoes! plus, they know what it's like to be the single person invited to an all-married activity...getting invited to your friend's kid's bday parties and being the only one there who's not a mom and not a kid...you're just in between...feels like adolescence all over again.

don't get me wrong. i love my friendships with my married mommas but this is just reality. i'll be at one of these parties, baby showers and the question from a random invitee is "which kid is yours?" and then there's "oh you're not married?"

nope. i'm not. it's cool. i'm fine. just makes it awkward when married people have lived in A married world for so long that they sort of assume we're all married. (not all but most)

anyway, to the point of this blog. i found comfort in watching sex and the city. it also made me feel like a rebel for watching a show that revolves around single women's sex lives. that's normal. people have sex outside of marriage and inside of marriage all the time. just not me. but i want to someday. shows like these make me wanna know what it's like even more. and even though it's on tbs, the sensuality is pretty graphic, so then my mind flashes these images at random times. it's odd and embarassing....

that ever happen to you? random flashes of people going at it? it's either from stuff you've seen or just assumptions of it...weird, but i can't help but think, "she got knocked up by her hubby or some guy," any time i see a pregnant woman. if i see a married couple, the thought is "they have sex. they like do it whenever they want. crazy." lol oh man, i can't believe how awkward this is getting...haaa...annnnyway....

i decided i'd stop watching sex and the city. even though it's comforting to watch other single women venture out on finding mr. right, it's not reality for me. i'm not trying on every shoe that's on sale. i'm saving my money for the best, most unique pair of shoes my feet will ever step into. they'll fit just right and look super cute...totally worth it. :-)

Facebook, Hello Again!

crazy. i didn't think i could do it. a whole month away from social networking. but i did.what i did instead was read, talk to God, blog, work. nope, i'm not perfect yet but its crazy how much i was on facebook...tryin' to connect myself to something...an idea-that by being on facebook constantly i'm still plugged into something..

i'm in florida and i can't keep neglecting friendships God's put in my way. love is clearer to me...

spent time with people i don't usually spend time with...heck i never really spend time with that many people....but anyway...learning to love expecting nothing in return. learning to love when it's inconvenient. it's okay to give of myself. not be afraid of being hurt.

trusting God, it's like an art or somethin'...an art of living....anyway, i've made it to chapter 17 of blue like jazz so far...the donald miller book...i didn't read it religiously(ok i did at first) but man it feels good to read a book written by someone who thinks a whole lot like me...i mean, i even blogged about the guy....wanting to marry him....haaa...

in other news, hey i'm still losing weight...down 46 pounds so far...feels good. yay!

so i just posted my first status update back on facebook...felt good to see that little red icon with numbers poppin' up numbers of comments...been wondering if the fast/break from facebook worked? because when i told my brother i was fasting facebook, he was like "oh cool! what are you fasting for? a big decision? job?" and i was like, "oh, well, i guess just wanting God to be my first priority instead of facebook. don't wanna have idols..." i felt convicted about makin' it my idol. it's interesting how when we put an idol down, we pick up another. whatever's accessible. i started idolizing a person. reminds me of reading louie giglio's book on worship a long time ago..said we were made to worship...so even though i put facebook down....i still struggle with idolatry...

project runway season 3

it's my favorite season.

it's my pick for this friday night.

"God is alive and well and working on my side. He wasn't drunk today like he was the day I had to work with Angela's mom..." -Jeffrey Sebelia

i thought it was funny. never thought of God being drunk. he's perfect so i guess that wouldn't happen....but he was human....a perfect human. never read of him being drunk...ah well, i still love the honesty in that comment jeff made.

there's just something i really appreciate about honesty. even when it hurts at first. it's refreshing and a lifesaver in the end.

fogged up lenses...

gosh. my last entry was pretty emo. honest--but still emotions aren't always the best lenses for reality, ya know?

ah well...things are better...the night is over and it's a new day....i have to contend for the goodness that always remains...God's super faithful and trustworthy...people are people, what can you do you?...it's rhetorical...

anyway, my lenses aren't fogged up anymore...

makes sense though...when things get heated, your lenses can fog up...

anyway...life goes on!

tonight...

just when i thought i was over missing my life in nashville...it hit me again.

by october i'll have been living in florida 2 whole years. 2 whole years of my life. sounds like a long time and why do i still miss nashville? my heart hurts.

out of all the people i've met so far. don't feel like anyone loves me the way my friends in nashville loved me. me, me, me....sound familiar? oh mercy. *sigh* i really did sigh.

i feel like i have to try extra hard here to be loved. rejection is a fear off and on. i have a married couple here that i'm friends with the most. they're the only people i have history with. sometimes i'm afraid they don't really love me how i want to be loved.

maybe i'm just thinking way too much or letting my emotions get the best of me tonight. just feels like i put so much into our friendship and just wanting to feel loved and sometimes it feels not the same on their end. this could just be the fact they have kids and their own agenda. i wish someone would bend over backwards to spend time with me (yep i've got issues). maybe they do and i just don't see it. all i see is my side of the story...maybe i'm putting way too much responsibility on their end...they don't have to love me...i should love them, expecting nothing in return. yep.

then there's Jesus. i know. he died a horrible death on the cross so we could hang. no pun intended. but he's still invisible. i hate how hard this is. God why do you have me here? i'm not talking just physically but spiritually? i feel lousy. i'm a horrible lover. i can't love like you. i've never had to put so much into being selfless like you. i suck at being selfless. it hurts me a lot and i'm always afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of. i think this is the part where you want me to learn to trust you more or something like that...

i guess i miss nashville because it represents the people that have loved me unconditionally. i made my first real friends there. by real friends i'm talkin' people who would lay down their lives for me...i guess that's how i was able to understand God's love too...(thanks donald miller for helping me see that)..nashville's the place where i first got a glimpse of what it meant to be real. the hunger began there. "dying to my flesh"....nashville's where i first met up with that truth of the Bible....i guess i miss familiarity too. busyness helps me forget but at the end of the day, i'm alone. yeah God is present, i know, even while i type this, but i still miss.

man, i wish i was married by now. i want to have sex someday. was thinkin' about deleting what i just said but whatever. i'm just being honest...anyway, i want to share popcorn with my bestfriend. i want to go shopping with him. i want to make him coffee. i want to play scrabble with him. i wanna talk with him. where is he? i wish i knew. i'd take the first flight to see him, meet him, love him.

see, my heart's all over the place tonight. scattered.

Pet Peeves...ugh

before you read this blog, -i have to warn you- it's my most shallow post. yep. ok. go ahead. take it like a grain of salt or pepper....somethin' like that...

i'm just gonna use this blog post as my jar of pet peeves, drop'em in whenever they happen...

first one today so far: women who wear manly pants....why do women think it's cool to dress like men?? who said it was flattering?? feminine??? ties, suspenders, that's fine...but plain ugly boxy man pants? there is nooooo reason a women should dress like the next dockers ad for men.

ugh. why can't women just embrace being women???

i'm not even talkin' like get all mani-pedi girly and all but come on! be the girl, lady, woman you were born to be. no makeup, fine. then smile dangit! smiles do wonders for you.

is the relationship you're in something you can see ending up in marriage? if not, then lose those wrinkles girlfriend! seriously!!

i'm 30 and that's why i don't look 30. i look younger. not because of botox but because of choices combined with embracing being a woman...and the fact i have oily skin...

alright. didn't know how passionate i was about this, but this girl sitting across from me in starbucks is driving me nuts! boring grey man t-shirt, boring grey man pants, and ooh! cute sandals. that's it. she's saved by her gladiator-inspired silver sandals. whew. okay, that helps...BUT NOT ENOUGH!

dang. am i being mean here??? anyone out there feel me??? somebody! i wish someone would respond to my blogs.

oh yeah, facebook fast's going grrrreat! ....;-)

i vant to marry donald miller (tryin' to sound french)

there i said it. he's the reason for my blogging twice in one day!

i've been reading his book, "blue like jazz" and wow. i had forgotten how refreshing it was to be real. i realized "oh em gee, i forgot how to be real." but thanks to donny, i'm remembering.

i heart him.

i think every girl who's read any of his books has at some point developed a crush on mr. miller. it's like having a crush on your teacher back in elementary school...and daydreaming about being the teacher's pet...for me it'd be daydreaming about someday crossing paths with donald miller and we end up talking forever...you know, being real and all, and we fall in love and it's the most real love between 2 people....i hope i meet my donald miller soon...

oh and look at his picture up there! for an older guy, not too shabby, huh? hottie!

hmmm...."leslie miller." how does that sound??

yeah, not so much...

oh well...it was worth dreaming....hoping...

Microphone Mine!

i hate sharing a microphone. even when i was a kid, i usually had the lead role and my own microphone. it was always annoying to have to share a mic. with 2-3 other girls to sing a song as a transition took place during the play...we'd all try to squeeze together competing to be heard the loudest on the microphone...thussss, i preferred singing solos because i could stay on key and i'm sorry but not all kids sound cute singing...like those other little girls singing with me (clearly with no musical upbringing other than our crazy pentecostal praise/worship on sundays...just sayin') were so tone-deaf....i'd fade out, slowly backing off the mic. so i wouldn't be mistaken for the one that went off-key that threw the whole group off-key...you'd think a kid wouldn't care so much about going off-key but i did because of my family's musical background. ok i sound mean and cocky now...great....

weird but singing didn't become a passion of mine (although i do love to sing); speaking into the microphone was more my thing....something about holding that microphone all to myself...and what that piece of metal with plastic did for my voice-it was uhhhmazing. my voice sounded clear and pure and loud so everybody could hear me. i loved to be heard by more than just one person and that microphone guaranteed me a higher chance of that.

wow. i was born self-centered. what kind of God would do such a thing?? maybe that's just all part of God's divine plan for my destiny. him preparing the way for what i'm passionate about doing today. yeah, the whole radio thing.

so now at 30, i'm in a situation where i have to share a microphone with somebody else. it'd be one thing if it were with somebody i know really well. if it were a close friend, it would be great because we could just pick up from each other's cues...well i share a microphone with somebody i don't know very much. honestly we're an odd combo. i think. we both get our own microphone but sharing the stage and speaking space is just the same thing. i feel weird because i don't know when to say something or not due to not really knowing the other person. so sadly i just fade into the background and it's just not that fun for me...but hey, who said life was supposed to be all about what makes leslie more comfortable? nobodaaaay. right. this is the part where i sigh, sigh sigh.

so i just throw all my tantrums in the privacy of my car, my place. why does God do these things? i hate it. i do. maybe it's God tryin' to discipline me. what kid loves to be disciplined? i know i'm not a kid anymore but to God i think we're all kids. we don't think like he does no matter how deep and spiritual we think we are. he even gave us the disclaimer or something like that in isaiah 50-somethin'...he said his ways, thoughts were higher than ours.

i believe he's right.

so okay. this is where God has me. alright. for some reason he thinks this is what needs to happen in my life. i need to experience the whole sharing of the microphone thing. i need to practice not opening my mouth. but i was made to speak. i looooove it the most when i can speak real to people. whether it's at starbucks while handling a customer or even on the radio...or just with friends. there's just something sooo refreshing about being real. that's my goal in life i guess.

i love real blogging too. i hope it's reflected.

my first

had my first corona tonight. even learned how to put the lime in! did i like it? the taste wasn't so bad...hints of apple and lime and beer mixed together. everything in moderation. [sidebar: if you're one of the middle school kids i help lead at church, i am 30 years old, so don't even go there.] mmmhmmm....

k, back to blogging...oh, my first corona, courtesy of my mentor, rhonda. she treated me to a yummy mexican dinner at chipotle (burrito bowl baby!) and we spent a whole 3 hours chatting about God and life. i think it's plain rich when you get to just expose your inner self to people. not every person can handle that kind of exposure. lots of people would rather see someone streak than someone be vulnerable and transparent. i say the best kinds of friendships are the ones where you're free to expose your inner self to one another. real love casts out all fear.

um anyway, aside sipping my first corona, another first i had was a pedicure! it was something i think would've been way more enjoyable if i didn't have so many mosquito bites all over my feet to begin with...not to mention, i had been itching so badly that i scratched some bites open and so that salt water was stinging like crazy!
something else i did for the first time this year was meet amy grant! just had to document this moment...i didn't like the picture taken of me with her but this is still what she looks like except hair not as long...

i know this shouldn't be such a big deal considering i got to meet lots of other celeb-like people when i lived in nashville but come on, this is amy grant! i guess i feel more of a connection with her because i grew up on a lot of music...i told her that too.
facebook fast is going well. lots of time to do other stuff. like....blog...sleep...eat....work.....read..pray. the end for now...

Day 7

learning that trust means holding on to God's word and not the praises of man. everything earthly withers away so it's pointless to even desire praises from others and it's silly to base my value on the amount of praise showered on me. it's not gonna satisfy me. but man it sure feels good to hear somebody tell me i'm awesome or that i did a great job at somethin'...still, truth is secure and where my my hope needs to be. God's our silent cheerleader...sorta....wish He'd speak up...just sayin'....anyway, i need to just do what's set before me and God does the rest....like the behind the scenes type of stuff...

and then this donald miller guy...he's got me thinking too...

not beating myself up here but man i really am a selfish person still. even when i want to do good (sounds like romans 7 but that's not where i wanna go with this) and think i'm thinking of others before myself, it's still self-seeking because i wanna be like Jesus. i'm doing it to be like jesus, not because i love Him or love the person more than myself...crazaaay...i wanna friggin' win this race!! like, i just wish things could be back to how it was before the fall of man...me, no struggles, no conflicts....bahhh...

so yeah day 7, not too shabby. facebook, kiss my bootay! me and God can go on without u~!...well 'til the end of may and then we can whip up some balance with this ish.

Facebook Fast Day 6

so i realized i've given sooo much time to facebook and twitter....they've become idols i worship before God. so it's time to take a break. i'll blog how it's going once in a while....oh and this break is for a month. oh h....

it's weird not going straight to facebook when i wake up [IDOL ALERT] or get home from work...or even while at work. i've been more productive at work....started to read a book (blue like jazz by donald miller) in my spare time instead of facebooking. instead of venting online i've been venting to God. it's been pretty interesting so far.

talking to God i feel so exposed and like there's nothing i can hide nor want to. He's not waiting to whip me with some leash if i say something unpleasing to Him. it's a big journey of trust i'm on. trusting that even though i'm not "in the know" like i feel i am when i'm on facebook, God's got my best in mind. i'm not missing out on stuff. "what you don't got you don't need it now"-well said in u2's beautiful day song...it just came to mind...

i feel like i can hear God a bit more....here's His dealio: He wants to open up the can of hope in everybody. the problem isn't so much in that fact lots of people don't have hope, it's where we place our hope on that screws us up.

like today i was at winn dixie, this grocery store in florida, and an old man before me in the checkout line was buying lottery tickets. i thought, "he must have high hopes that out of every dollar he spends weekly on the lottery, one day he'll score the winning ticket...that's a really high hope...on a piece of paper."

i think it's safe to say there's a right hope and his name is JEsus. foreal. He's where our hope needs to be on. the hope that never lets you down.

Porch blog

gotta sit on out on the porch on days like these. man, it's so nice out. it's like the constant breezes are constant kisses all over my face! i don't like my hair gettin' flipped inside out but it's worth it for those..."kisses."

the clouds are sitting still this afternoon. they're almost cartoon shapes of themselves. cumulus with just the right fluff under a sheet of business shirt blue. that's the sky today.

i'm still on this journey to wellness. weight watchers has been a good vehicle for me to get there. i'm no longer blind to what i put into my body. if this is what self-control feels like, i like it. my butt doesn't get stuck in between the arm-rests of my friend's rocking chair anymore. it's like not waking up from the coolest dream ever.

trusting in God over the circumstances of each day is my somewhere over the rainbow. when i'm able to be steadfast, it's like a pot of gold. this requires discipline to devotion. i'm slowly gettin' it. i'm so glad God knows me inside out and the stuff that terrifies me about me is nothin' on His radar. i mean, what God sees is more than what any of us could see up in an airplane (and you know when you look out the window of an airplane, you can see a lot). He sees the completion, the whole me in Christ. in Christ. the new creation. i've been ruined for the good. knowing the fact that i was made for this is why quitting never really is an option. it could be a thought but that's as far as it'll get. how do you know that what you're doing is what you're made to do? no matter how much work you put into it, it just never seems like enough and there's a desire always driving you to do it better. you'll search for whatever it takes to help you do it well. and it ticks you off when you sell yourself short. ah, the passion. :-)

you're my witness. God is faithful. i have hope that at the perfect time, i'll be a mid-day jock for a great radio station and i'll do it well. and when it gets tough, which should be expected, God's strength is my assurance. don't know how else to explain it.

UNearthly...

if you've read any of my blogs, you know i struggle with a plethora of insecurities...i practically compare myself to anything that breathes...people who are insecure are self-centered. that's me. horrible disease really. i eventually care more about what others think of me and so i base my value on those opionions/responses/relationships. life sucks when i base my value on earthly things. doesn't work. got so self-centered that i pretty much ignored the fact i know a living God. God. THE God. Him. The creator of the friggin' universe. yeah and He knows everything...instead i let my feelings dictate. starts off gradually and then before you know it, you're basing every thought and decision on feelings. sounds absurd but praying didn't even occur to me as an option.

started facebooking a friend with this stuff....her sharing about personal struggles in life really helped make getting back on track with God accessible again.

so this past wednesday, before i went to work, i decided to pray...can't remember all i said but i know that my prayer was real...nothin' fancy but my heart. i knew i needed God to help me through the day...plus, i don't know what it is but anytime i've made time for God, the day is rough and before i knew it, at work, i started to feel the pressure...that feeling i get from thoughts: "you're not worthy, you're not good enough and they all know it and you know it." ouch. started to dwell more on this thought and it was sucking joy out quick. typically i've made the habit of just dwelling on those thoughts and then take it out on anybody around. pretty much hating life at those moments....

thought about my options, well only 1 option...like maybe God was trying to ween me out of this life-sucking cycle...so i decided to step out in faith. i walked out of the building and took a walk to a nearby pond. there i pryed open my heart and thoughts to God. told him what i was struggling with. jealousy and fear of rejection go hand in hand....i was hurting and about to break....so i did...outside....me and God. hashing it out. i told God i didn't know how the heck i was gonna do this. i've been so unfaithful in the sense of, i've put my whole trust in the opinions of others than the truth. so all this to say, i had a good talk with God about everything going on...God says my value's not based on anything earthly. then i told God about how i was worried maybe i'm too messed up to overcome all this and that maybe i won't be successful in radio...then God's humor kicked in, "you were even more messed up earlier in life and I still brought you here." and it's true. being on the radio is my dream that's coming true one day at a time.

i'm onto a real start with God again. i asked for strength and realized i can't do this radio stuff on my own at all. it just won't work. i NEED God. I need alone time with God. it's not some form of legalism. breathing because i need to live isn't being legalistic. it's a need. it's more than a need. it's vital. if i don't breathe, i will die. God is this. i can't live without God or i will die. the dreams will die. the passion will die. i'm created to glorify Him. everything is made by him for him.

i love that switchfoot song, "learning to breathe," because it's so true. i guess i'm learning that God is life. so on this good friday i'm thankful that God gave up his only son He had so i could have a chance at knowing what hope, grace, love and redemption are. HE paid an unearthly price for me. cute blog, eh? nope, i'm not canadian i just like sayin' "eh?" :-)

Here's the dealio:

hi! lemme just give you a brief on what the heck i've been doing here in floridia...oh wait, before i go, isn't the pic. of the "boombox" to the left cute?? think i wanna save up to get one...i love how old stuff just keeps coming back in style...ecclesiastes-ish in the sense, there's nothing new under the sun...annnnyway, right now i'm learning how to be more relaxed while talking live on the air during my air shift. i'm also learning how to gather good content from daily life (always having a pen/notepad handy to jot down ideas/bits)....whenever i get to watch my radio mentor do his job it blows my mind....how the heck will i ever be able to be that clever and fast and witty??? i'm 30!!! wow. i'm starting life late i guess. do you think God will redeem the time? yep. me too. God is good. why God chooses to use messed up people: He's so "purple cow." ;-) He thinks outside the box.

before i keep unraveling the dealio, been learning it's okay to be transparent about stuff you're going through in life. it's okay to be sad. it's okay to be frustrated. it's okay to hate your job sometimes. it's okay not to. it's okay to not have it all together.

i think it sometimes makes others feel uncomfortable that i sorta wear my emotions on my sleeve. is it the same thing as sayin' i wear my heart on my sleeve? well if so, then yeah, that's me. i hate fake. sadly i can be fake lots of times. the good thing is that i'm not as fake as i used to be. i find freedom from fake when i get real with God and just give him the raw footage of my thoughts, the stuff in my heart. no matter how ugly.
i think one of the reasons why i've been struggling so much here in florida is that all my weaknesses have been highlighted here. i've had issues of pride and fear of rejection. living in florida i realized those issues will always take up residence where truth isn't. am i miserable here in florida? no. seriously, it's not that bad when i have the right perspective. that's me looking at these challenges as opportunities and as God working on me to build character and a real devotion to Him.

i don't have real devotion. i realized i don't know what's like. it bothers me. i wanna be real. i want to not care about the opinions of others. i want to love the way Jesus did. to lay down his life for a friend. i want to really love who God is. there's people/friends i know that don't believe this "God-stuff" and it's mainly because there are few within christianity who choose to really love the way Jesus asked us to. He said those were the 2 most important commandments. to love God with all heart, soul, mind, strength and to love our neighbor as ourself....but we always base our responses/actions/beliefs on everything around love....the rules, the rules, the rules....the laws....yeah the law is perfect and it shows us where we're wrong, not so we point the finger but so that we'll run to grace. realize we need it. realize we need to extend it toward others...

oh man, how messed up i've been. i'm just thankful God's willing to start from scratch with me. all that being said, a God who loves us so perfectly can be trusted. i don't need to fear rejection from others. it's gonna happen. but God won't reject me. weird how i can feel so rejected but just because i feel it doesn't mean it's real or true. feelings suck. feelings are sooo overrated. and truth is so underrated.

this is why this will all be worth it...i want my life to point to hope. i feel like that hope is like a light that gets brighter and hotter with every step of faith....basically choosing to live outside your comfort zone and not giving up.

life can leave you feeling/speaking like the book of lamentations but even then in that depresssing book in the Bible, hope never dies. so yeah, it's okay to not have it all together. in my weakness is where God teaches me more how to depend on him instead of on man, man-made things, my own strength....it's humbling and sometimes humiliating....

how can any of this be good if it causes so much pain and discomfort inside? good question. just like exercise, when you first start, it's hard, sweaty and leaves you sore...you don't wanna do it anymore because it hurts and how can this be good? in reality it's toning your muscles and burning fat and increasing your endorphins...it's good for us. it's healthy. so it is in life with God. it's not easy and now i see why it says in the bible that it's a narrow road people tend to say "peaceout" to. good character is pure muscle and as it's getting built up, you become stronger/wiser and able to continue walking, standing, fighting not just for you but for others.

starbucks

this week i hate working there.

it's a love/hate relationship....so weird i never thought i'd say that...

anyway....ive got new dreams to dream...to live.

had a good talk with ronda today.

instead of whining about how there's nobody around my age here...i'm gonna go hunting for them and it's gonna be full of purpose...

i can't be the only one...they're out there...

Happy V-day to my Future Boo:

hey boo!
so....guess we'll spend another valentines day apart. the neat thing is i don't miss you(because we've never met). sucks though because...there's all these lovesongs that keep getting written...none of them will have the full effect on me until i hear'em sitting next to you. sweet. i know. i'm a romantic. you're gonna love me.

so today i'm gonna babysit for some married friends. you'd be proud of me...if you were here but you're not so someday i guess you'll read this and be like "awwww.." haaaaa...this is funny. me writing to you before i even meet you. if i had friends i wouldn't be typing right now...but God kicked me out of tennessee where all my friends were...the single ones. so now i'm stuck thinking about you....no offense. i just didn't think as much about you when i lived over there.

i hope you're someone everyone loves to be around. i hope you play the piano. if you don't, no worries, we can learn together. and then you can buy me a piano for our house. yep. that'll be swell.

good night love...

your bride.

p.s. i'm not marrying carson daly. it's just a picture i liked...

My 1st Girl Doctor

*just in case you don't wanna read girly stuff, this one is girly*

never been to one.

i'm 30 and this is my first time going to a gyno.

this won't be like a regular check-up though. i'm on my cycle so that's why.

the reason i'm going isn't because everybody's been telling me i need to go to one since i was 18...

i'm going because i felt something hard on my right breast.

and the weird thing about that was that i had a dream that i went to get checked and the doctor said "nothing's wrong with you but you should still get checked."

what the helicopters does that mean?

well as soon as i woke up i checked my breasts and that's what i found.

i'm not gonna lie. i'm kind of scared. not majorly but a bit. nobody's immune, ya' know?

my appointment is in about 10 hours.

my first thought is God forbid anything be wrong with me.

second is, what if it's my time to go.

third is, what do i waste my life on?

all this happened sunday. and since then, my perspective on life has shifted, not drastically but still significantly.

driving through traffic is not so bad considering it's a part of life. every person i come in contact with is more important to me. the little things in life that i've let get to me are shrinking.

what an opportunity to be on the radio.

what an opportunity to have the family i have.

what an opportunity to speak life to the souls that need it.

life really is good.

man, i don't want to die.

i want to live. really live.

not too many people know what's going on with me because i don't want to scare them. i don't want people depositing more fear into my life. that must be God's wisdom because i'm usually a big mouth....if you're reading this, it's for you to pray for me and simply that. please don't go around spreading gossip. keep this info. between you, me and God. thanks. (i'm posting that i have a new blog up on my fb status but no one ever reads my blog when i do that but i'm trusting the right people who are supposed to, will)

plus, i want to trust that everything's gonna be fine and i do.

i'm placing myself at the mercy of God.

God's mercy is immeasurable.

it's not anything i can earn or deserve but it's free.

it's available at my time of need.

i'd say this is a time of need but when i really think about it, i need God's mercy every day.

maybe this is something God wants me to realize.

it's something i know in my head but i'm not sure if that knowledge has found a way to connect to my heart.

God, all i can ask for is Your mercy. all this makes me wonder if i did something wrong. i thank You that i don't feel sick or anything like that. i thank you that You love me this much that you want to show me how much You love me every day so that i can find contentment in that. thanks for all the people you've placed in my life. they're all neat people. they make living in florida easier to cope with. please forgive me for saying i hate florida. i just hate the lessons i have to learn...like patience...i know asking for forgiveness isn't a way to earn your protection. it's just my natural instinct to do think that but i know it's not the truth. thank You for your protection this far. and i guess no matter what, i'll never lose You. that's good to know. you're all i have and that's a lot. you really are the salt of the earth. You make life taste better. thanks for choosing me to know You. i know i'm not the devoted daughter you've made me to be and yet it doesn't affect Your love for me. so God please let Your perfect love cast out all this stupid fear. You've overcome the world because You're great and strong and may every thing/thought that's contradictory to your truth bow before You. in Jesus' name So shall it be.

Rehab time

denying my flesh is like an alcoholic going through withdrawal...

it's so uncomfortable and painful and you can't see past the present....

the only thing you've known is to drink more alcohol...

same with flesh. doing what's inconvenient to me. doing the opposite of what i want to do.

you can kick scream cry sweat through the night.....it's almost unbearable and you see through hopeless lens...

but then the morning arrives....and the morning doesn't necessarily mean it's sometime in the a.m. you can awaken at any time and when you do, you can't believe you got through the night.

so things are turning. you may not feel it or see but it's happening. and when you do and the time is right, the microphone will be waiting.

you and i were made to be history makers and speakers of truth to all mankind. yep. good song.

Not so cozy anymore...

some stuff is hard to swallow. pills that are dry and large. they're usually some form of medication to help you get better but not something i crave. i've never enjoyed taking meds. nyquil, sudafed, advil, ibuprofen, vitamins...they're all meant to aleviate you of something. usually it's pain. they don't get rid of the sickness though. they just get rid of the symptoms temporarily. maybe that's why some people become addicted to these.

who wants to deal with the real issues? not me. just gimme a pill. the bummer is that relief is temporary with this stuff. i feel the same way about this process of life i'm walking through. i'm insecure, paranoid and self-centered. meds to make me feel better: friends, church, work. where's Christ in all this? i guess He's also been used by me to make me feel better. the only difference between Christ and other meds is that He goes beyond my expectations. He's alive and His will is for my best. so even when i use Christ, He works on my behalf.

why don't i use Christ more often then? because He exposes everything. He's light. when you're sleeping at night and someone comes to turn on the lights, you squint and try to cover your eyes by either pulling the covers over your face or with a pillow...it takes you away from your comfortable state. there you were all cozy in bed and then this.

i've become cozy with way too much. it's not okay. the things that i battle with stem out of fear which stems out of pride. it's a pride issue. the world doesn't revolve around me but in my head it does. it's horrible because it ruins my life. it robs me of the joy of the journey, the process. i get mad at God often. "why did you place me in a place with all these people who are better than me??" "i hate this! i hate feeling this way! nobody cares about me!" is any of that true? well, nobody has actually told me this stuff but it's stuff i've collected from the past. does it match what the truth of God's word is? okay, well no but, BUT, there's always a but that limits me. i guess i partially believe the truth. i have a lot of head knowledge but i need it to be plugged into my heart. i can't function like this.

today one of our co-workers lost her husband. i was upset about it. but then i become more upset about myself. the things i struggle with. comparing myself to others. not trusting God. so there's the issue of my co-worker that should be my only concern but sadly i'm also thinking about myself..it's pride at the core...

Dear Boo,

hey. hi. i hope you're happy. i'm still single because of you.

ah, it's okay. you're just taking a bit longer than i ever thought you would....

i'm more determined not to settle for anything less than you...along with a bunch of other dreams.

love music? i hope it's something we can bop our heads to like dorks in the car while you drive.
later.

your bride. :-)

Heartbreak Warfare

i really like the song....anyway, it seems like this is what goes on inside me. it's really a battle of the mind. it's something i desperately need to tackle this year. can't do it by myself though.

this is how i feel every time i put so much hope in humans i look up to. every time i compare myself to someone else who's better than me. everytime i get overlooked. when idols let me down. i care more about the opinions of certain people than about what pleases God. that's idolatry, right?

C R A Z Y. one part of me struggles with the thought of not being good enough because of verbal abuse from my mom. she didn't know what she was really doing. i don't blame her. she had to raise 5 kids mostly on her own while dad was out working long days and weeks even. she had a temper. she kept us all in check and it was a bit damaging BUT forgiveness is healing.

dad, when he came into town, was my hero. still is. he wasn't the discplinary because he was hardly home. he'd come to the rescue. i'd cry to my dad about how it sucked at home without him and his remedy was to take me out on shopping sprees. i became spoiled. but at the same time, i really treasured those times he took me out. i'll never forget when he took me out for coffee at ihop and asked me if he could get me a new mommy. ha! he told me he could find me a pretty blonde mommy who was nice if i wanted. so you see why quality time to me equals love. gifts do too but i mostly enjoyed the time with my dad than the shopping...although i do love shopping.

my relationship with my mom isn't the best but it's gotten better. so time has passed and i've started to heal and sometimes it feels like i'm always gonna be in the healing process. my heart breaks when people don't want to spend time with me. my heart breaks when i try to do my best and it's still not the best.

it's a war in my mind. prayer helps but i don't depend on it often as a weapon. sometimes i'm so upset that i don't want to talk about it even with God. it's humiliating. i don't know people in florida that well to dish this out to them. plus, i can't bring this into either workplace. so where do i lay this down?

okay God. i see where this is going...

so where do you lay your burdens down these days?