J O Y

people usually associate me with that. i associate me with that. joyful anything, i love it.

i think the whole joy thing gets misunderstood. being in a good mood doesn't mean it's joy.

am i in a good mood all the time. noooooooooooooooo. if you work or have lived with me you so know this.

i've had my share of bad days and no matter what my opinion is, people still use joy to describe me. how the??? at first i didn't understand.

don't these people know me? don't they know that i'm not perfect and that i can be such a jerk at times??

how can you say i'm joyful?

and so this is what i've figured out thus far....joy is more than a smile, a laugh...it's an overall ingredient of your character.

i hate bad days. don't you? i hate losing. i hate being embarassed. i don't enjoy interacting with rude people. i don't enjoy not having friends. i hate the traffic in florida.

i've expressed my dislike for the things that are outside my comfort zone. but the neat thing is that i have the choice to allow these things to shape me or break me. maybe both. but basically, joy develops when we endure through tough stuff. romans 5:3-5 check it out.

joy costs. it's not free. so that's where my joy springs from. i'm a messed up girl who's now redeemed moment by moment and lives to tell about it.

Radio Boot Camp...Is that what I signed up for? :)

i guess so.

right off the bat i'm learning about how self-centered i've been. i've had an ego.

so the challenge is to let God shred this ego even though you're surrounded by other people who are just like you! shhhhyahhhh! that's my made-up word out of frustration.

i loooove radio. i do. i know this because no matter how much i suck at it right now, no matter the volumes of knowledge and experience i lack, i still have nooooo desire to quit. as a matter of fact, it makes me wanna try harder! i seriously have this dream alive in me.

right now i'm being molded.

words really can't help me here. but i'll say what's inside my heart.

like, i'm so thankful for this opportunity.

living in florida has exposed so many weaknesses to me. i didn't know how poor i was.

not financially but spiritually.

i still am. i need help y'all.

this whole blog has had lots of somber entries...

i'm new to this whole radio thing.

so there's that.

now i have to learn how to train my mind to serve people who don't give a rip about me.

you remember the Jesus speech about loving your enemies? yep.

it's soooo hard to love someone who doesn't love you back.

it hurts that even though God says HE's not a respector of persons, we are.

this past weekend i had the privelege of attending this radio conference called momentum.

i was surrounded by some of the biggest fish in radio.

i tried to soak up all i could.

a year ago i had zero experience and would've never guessed i'd be able to attend one of these conferences. but there i was.

it was somewhat uncomfortable at first. i didn't know who i'd be hanging out with. weird thing is that i noticed some things never end in high school. there are still cliques being formed by adults in their late 30's and up.

so there i was. trying to fit in all over again. and then it dawned on me. wtf? seriously?
okay, so i hardly use the f-word but it's one of those moments where it just fits. just flow with me for a sec. so i got nudged with the reality that it's okay if i'm not the life of the party. it's okay not to know everybody. it's okay to not be the favorite. it's okay to just go up to people and talk to them even though they didn't initiate it. most importantly, my purpose for being at this conference was to learn and grow.

so at that point i just let go. it was hard but i know i did it. that's when i started to meet great people. feels sooo great to meet people without so much ego. not sayin' all the people at this conference had ego but i'd say a large percent. heck even me! i know, right!? i still want to be known...i'm bad, i know. it's just this great feeling i'm sorta addicted to when someone says you cheered them up....it's that knowing that you were able to reflect hope to a person who thought they were hopeless...or knowing that somebody enjoys your quirks...them enjoying you is a confirmation of why God made you the way He made you.

so in this business of radio, i should still be "about my Father's business..." i know it's cheesy but i had to! Jesus said it and it totally fits this blog. basically, there's a greater purpose for being on the microphone. it's not about me. so i'm thinking sharing the "good news" has sooo many dimensions. what i mean is that so much good comes out of knowing who God is and pursuing Him. for me, it's hope. so that's the good news i want to share on the air. it's my story. Even though i know i'm made for this, there is no way i can do this apart from God. john 15:5...check it yo! hey, even if you're not a bible-reader, there's a lot of wisdom inside it that you shan't pass up! ;)

ok, something else i've learned is that because i'm new to radio and it's an honor to be helping with shows, i don't have rights. yep. i don't have a right to feel left out. i don't have a right to complain. i don't have a right to expect. all i have a right to is to serve.

great. the thing i've sucked at my whole life. i'm here to serve.

Jesus washed his disciples' feet and said we should follow that example. there was a time when i read that and could care less what Jesus implied. but now it's a sacrifice i need to make. it's what Jesus said to do. it's the right thing to do. even if i don't like it. it's a sacrifice. an act of worship. ouch.

i'm sore.

I'm an outsider

it's what i feel like...

i miss belonging to someone.

to people.

i moved to florida knowing i at least had 2 people i could count on as friends.

they're a family. i love when they have me over and stuff like that, but i still don't really feel like i belong.

i want my own family.

i have my family in san antonio. i have another in nashville.

don't know how else to describe it.

i miss being affirmed. i got lots of that in nashville.

i haven't taken that love language quiz but i'm pretty sure i'm an affirmation person. i also love to receive stuff too.

here i'm nobody's favorite.

so i was telling the one of my 2 friends that i felt like the underdog.

i may have said it pridefully at one point but now i just honestly see myself as an underdog...

like, i don't know how the heck i'll become that great dj i dream of becoming. tough monkeys man.

so why not quit? because i was made for this. it's all i know.

i'm not good at anything else. not like i'm really good at this radio stuff but the passion is insane. i want it.

somebody told me i have potential. i want to believe it.

i partially do believe it. and then when i suck at it, i don't want to believe it.

all this stuff is hard to be learning all together on one plate.

i'm alone. i don't fit in. hello florida.

honestly, i wish i had attention. i miss having attention. someone to side with me. someone to bounce stuff off of.

i'm pretty much stripped of all i had in nashville.

i'm jealous of the people who have all i lost.

so when i start to think about how i wish i could be somebody else just so i can feel the attention they get, i tell myself that as much as i'd like to be liked and favored and attended to by the people i work with, i'm not here for them. i'm not here to have his attention, her attention, their attention...i'm not here to be favored by them....i ultimately have an audience of one.

God brought me here. as much as i yearn for all this human praise, i'm realizing it's not what i need. otherwise God would have given it to me when i moved here. it's hard for me to walk on without all those things.

i thought human praise was fuel.

He says no.

i'm insecure when it comes to basing my value on these people.

i am, however, secure when i base myself "in Christ." everything's different when you're "in Christ."

i guess He wants all the glory. i can't say it was for my looks, my charm...

God gave me a passion. He gave me a laugh. He gave me a desire for honesty and realness.

i very much feel like an outsider.

perfect timing for needtobreathe's cd this year.