it's this new season approaching..
by the end of next week i'll know where all this will be going.
by the end of next week life will change for the better.
i say that not knowing the outcome but knowing the creator of it all.
time with family and friends has been good.
time with the rents...they ask a lot of questions...make me think about stuff i don't feel like thinking about...heck, i just want a vacay from thinking.
speaking of thinking...
have you ever texted/emailed someone and they don't respond? opens up a novel of assumptions..."i annoy you. you're mad at me. you're weirded out by me for some reason. you don't care much about me like i care about you. you're sick of me. i'm not that important to you.." those are the thoughts that fly around my brain..
i don't know why i care so much about what you think. i guess i just wanna be loved, accepted...and it seems that even though God has accepted me, i'm still not satisfied. there must be something i'm not understanding..
lame. i know. it's where i be.
ah well. gah lee, this all sounds so boohoo but it's me just being honest...not expecting a reaction.
just realized that as much as we try to love, our love is still tainted..and..
lately i've been pretty jerky to my parents. the 2 people who love me unconditionally. they may get on my nerves but i love them. i think the reason i'm such a jerk to them is because of all the times i've had to hold in the jerk-in-me from people who aren't family..i put the mask on. i let it snowball....forget to unload it to God...and so it's easy to just let it loose and take it out on family because i know they won't fire me or disown me...i can't keep collecting the jerkynessess...must dispose of them to God somehow...is it simply in confessing this to God where all this crap is released? the whole depths of the sea thing? i'll try it and let you know..
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
i'm a radio, i'm a radio girl...
get it? instead of a material girl, i'm a...k, cheesy, i know..
come august it'll be 1 year of doing live breaks on the air.
man, it's been a tough road.
most of the hurdles have just been battle of the mind type of stuff. big.
it's like somebody's tryin' to sabotage my destiny.
i wonder who...
sometimes i keep my walls up. sometimes i let them come down. but then there's that slight regret or regret of letting them down.
making friends in florida's still not the easiest but it's slowly progressing. slowly.
i say that carefully. i mean, sure i have fun co-workers at both my jobs but that doesn't mean we're hangout buddy material for each other, and that's okay. it's not a put-down on any party. it's just how things are.
takes time to make real friends. with that said. i'm afraid to assume people are my friends...
okay, you know what's been such a battle? wanting to be loved so badly. and it's not even by the opposite or same sex. lol it's just in general. i've been asking God why the heck do i feel such a need?? tryin' to retrace my steps...i mean, i have a great loving family-not perfect by any means but good enough. i feel this huge burden to be loved by people i trust. does that sound odd? i mean, shouldn't it be the other way around? burdened to love others? oh man, and then there's this fear of rejection that pretty much parallels with worry. no bueno..
oh man, there've been times when i've almost lost it. like just insane battle. it's spiritual. i was born insecure. we all are. we all have the need to be loved. because we live in a fallen world, we're not sure of what love is at times. thankfully God came up with the big book called the Bible. inside he gives us a blueprint for love. 1 cor. 13. one of the things that love isn't is self-seeking. if this whole chapter were a job application i'd be underqualified. sounds brutal but you go read that thing...it's real and true.
i think most of my stupid decisions and thoughts are cooked up by this insane need to be loved. i know God loves me and unconditionally at that, but so why am i still behaving this way? it's funny now that i think of it, how God knows that i'm selfish and this "why me" phase doesn't phase him. he still loves me...gently lets me know, hey just fix your mind on me and then none of this will bother you. touche.
at my radio job, it's hard not to compare myself to others. they're all better than me in so many ways. i mean they've all been in radio way longer than i have... i wish i was good at lots of things but i'm not. all i have is this passion to do an on-air show that doesn't suck. i just have this passion to be able to make radio into a more personal relationship with strangers. all i have is this passion to speak life. to make smiles miles away. that's my thing i guess. sadly it doesn't provide that much value. only time will give any of this value i guess...but seth godin is right. validation is overrated. i've already been validated. God's the author of my destiny. it's the only explanation i have for being where i am. you'd believe it too if you saw water turn to wine. well, i'm the water.
God's been sooo gracious, man. i'll be covering mid-days for the next 2 weeks. and then after that, i'll be on sundays in addition to saturdays. thinking about how i've been making coffee for strangers for almost 5 years might kill my "i can't believe i'm on the radio"-buzz but that's okay. i know God is good. like, you don't even know....when i get open and vulnerable with God, it's when i see God, who He is. love. makes me teary. how can this massive diety understand and have the capacity to love the most undeserving? hell, i don't know but i'll fall heavy in his arms if he'll have me. and so that's what i do.
come august it'll be 1 year of doing live breaks on the air.
man, it's been a tough road.
most of the hurdles have just been battle of the mind type of stuff. big.
it's like somebody's tryin' to sabotage my destiny.
i wonder who...
sometimes i keep my walls up. sometimes i let them come down. but then there's that slight regret or regret of letting them down.
making friends in florida's still not the easiest but it's slowly progressing. slowly.
i say that carefully. i mean, sure i have fun co-workers at both my jobs but that doesn't mean we're hangout buddy material for each other, and that's okay. it's not a put-down on any party. it's just how things are.
takes time to make real friends. with that said. i'm afraid to assume people are my friends...
okay, you know what's been such a battle? wanting to be loved so badly. and it's not even by the opposite or same sex. lol it's just in general. i've been asking God why the heck do i feel such a need?? tryin' to retrace my steps...i mean, i have a great loving family-not perfect by any means but good enough. i feel this huge burden to be loved by people i trust. does that sound odd? i mean, shouldn't it be the other way around? burdened to love others? oh man, and then there's this fear of rejection that pretty much parallels with worry. no bueno..
oh man, there've been times when i've almost lost it. like just insane battle. it's spiritual. i was born insecure. we all are. we all have the need to be loved. because we live in a fallen world, we're not sure of what love is at times. thankfully God came up with the big book called the Bible. inside he gives us a blueprint for love. 1 cor. 13. one of the things that love isn't is self-seeking. if this whole chapter were a job application i'd be underqualified. sounds brutal but you go read that thing...it's real and true.
i think most of my stupid decisions and thoughts are cooked up by this insane need to be loved. i know God loves me and unconditionally at that, but so why am i still behaving this way? it's funny now that i think of it, how God knows that i'm selfish and this "why me" phase doesn't phase him. he still loves me...gently lets me know, hey just fix your mind on me and then none of this will bother you. touche.
at my radio job, it's hard not to compare myself to others. they're all better than me in so many ways. i mean they've all been in radio way longer than i have... i wish i was good at lots of things but i'm not. all i have is this passion to do an on-air show that doesn't suck. i just have this passion to be able to make radio into a more personal relationship with strangers. all i have is this passion to speak life. to make smiles miles away. that's my thing i guess. sadly it doesn't provide that much value. only time will give any of this value i guess...but seth godin is right. validation is overrated. i've already been validated. God's the author of my destiny. it's the only explanation i have for being where i am. you'd believe it too if you saw water turn to wine. well, i'm the water.
God's been sooo gracious, man. i'll be covering mid-days for the next 2 weeks. and then after that, i'll be on sundays in addition to saturdays. thinking about how i've been making coffee for strangers for almost 5 years might kill my "i can't believe i'm on the radio"-buzz but that's okay. i know God is good. like, you don't even know....when i get open and vulnerable with God, it's when i see God, who He is. love. makes me teary. how can this massive diety understand and have the capacity to love the most undeserving? hell, i don't know but i'll fall heavy in his arms if he'll have me. and so that's what i do.
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