so it's 2010!

everybody's excited on new year's day. every year there's a theme. we celebrate time. we change over time. looking back at 2009, i learned so much. haven't practiced it all yet but i will.

we're made for such a time as this. we're here for a purpose. i can't imagine life without God. God's purpose is timeless. i'd just be floating around like blah. do i make any sense?

my challenge this year is to really make the effort to know who God is. this affects everything. for a long time i've struggled with insecurity, basing my value on the people i get attention from and the amount of people....pretty much what any self-centered person struggles with...and i've also been basing my value on looks and like if i don't look a certain way, then my whole life is conducted by that....the truth is that none of those things are secure. we all grow old and die. it's just tough because i've lived believing lies for so long that i easily slip back into those thought patterns....when i look at magazines, observe other people who get stuck into thinking the way that i don't wanna think anymore....it's false security....a spouse won't give me more security. money won't give me more security. looks won't give me more security...all those fade away...

God, help me with my unbelief.

what's the stuff in your life you want to overcome in 2010?

:::: Hope ::::

sometimes we place our hope in other things, people...

all those are earthly and temporary.

i need to place my hope in something bigger than myself, someone eternal. God.

that's something i've realized i've been messing up on.

prayer is something i've gradually underestimated. me. a Christian.

i was reading max lucado's newest book, fearless, and something that stuck out to me was that the sunshine of our confessions disrobes the fears we have.

when we choose not to bring things up to God, we're allowing them power over us and consequently choose to live a defeated life.

Happy XMAS

first one w/o family.

it's a bit past midnight into this day we all usually gather on.

the presents. the houses packed. the smiles. the hugs. the laughs. the loud voices. the loads of food. the in-laws. the boyfriends. the girlfriends. the cousins. the aunts. the uncles. the movies. the games. the shopping trips to target.

all these things i already miss.

but it's ok. i mean, it's time for change. if we hold on to this life, then we're not really living.

i can't believe i've made it this far. next week i get to be on the air for 4 straight days to cover for our mid-day personality. little by little i'm hearing people take notice of me on the air. it's encouraging because it happens every time i start to get discouraged living here in florida. like tonight at church this girl and i were chatting and talking about where i work. she asked what i did at the joy fm, if i was one of the voices, and then i told her "yes, i'm leslie.." (didn't finish my sentence) she flipped! she told me i was one of her favorite dj's along with jayar..to be placed in the same sentence as him...wow. what an honor. she told me she liked me and him because we sound normal...wow. so anyway, that made my night...who doesn't like receiving compliments? especially when you're having a down day....

our radio consultant told me to just be myself and that people would love me. i was afraid. i guess that fear of rejection...anyway, i've always felt ashamed that i'm a bit extra materialistic and girly...but i'm slowly just letting it out. i'm a girl. a real one. not perfect. just like you.

...i love radio. so this xmas, i guess what i thank God for is that i am where i am for His purpose. i'm thankful for purpose. Jesus gives me purpose in life.
in mark 10:45 he says it best:
"For even the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

The Joy FM, Hello?

monday mornings from 12am-2am eastern i do my practice radio show and i facebook about it, encouraging my friends from all around the world(the usa, guatemala, canada, australia) to listen online and call me up on the 1-800 number....

this is one of those calls...

Pancho

i have a good dad.

i do.

living in florida i've had to face some of the hardest battles of my life. it's been killer.

i promise i'm not trying to be a drama queen. doesnt' seem like anybody here understands me that well here. so i've been having to lean on God, which i know we should do anyway but it's such a tough thing to do sometimes when you've been used to having people to vent to, who get it...anyway, here's where i'm coming from...

i've got lots on my plate (typically i wouldn't complain about a lot on my plate but this is different):
-i'm a girl so i'm extra emotional/hormonal
-i've been living by myself for a little over a year
-all my friends are far away
-all my family is far away
-the 2 friends i have here will probably get sick of me....dump me for some other more suitable friends...am i being too negative? (hold on, it'll get better toward the end..)
-i'm at the early stages of learning my craft in radio and thus at the bottom of the totem pole...
-i have insecurities under all this other crap that i need to deal with

lovely.

on a positive note, this crap is all good stuff. i mean, i'm being trained to trust God completely. trusting Jesus to tame this lion that's my flesh. i'm talking about my sinful nature...google it if you're not sure what the heck i'm talking about...i'm sure you can relate.

aside all this, i know God is so good but it's the trust factor i struggle with. this weekend has been extra trying on my flesh. you know when you want so much to be a part of something but it's just not time yet? so it feels like salt on an open wound..(outwardly it's not a big deal but this battle was all goin' on inside.)

..it's so hard to just trust God with all this. so God kept His promise, the one about not leaving us alone but sending his holy spirit to comfort us and guide us into all truth...felt like God rocked me back and forth as a father rocking his child...i'm one of'em..

me- "why are you having me go through this? why? it hurts so much..."

the question of whether or not i'm good enough pops up ever so often and its then i start to compare myself to others..that said, about 2 sundays ago i dished this out with some random ppl at church for some prayer circle thingy and one of them was a middle-school kid...he then confessed that he too felt like that about himself...he said he kept comparing himself to his super athletic brother. he felt like he wasn't good enough because he wasn't into sports, nor good at them like his brother is, not to mention his brother always winning awards and trophies...i know i needed to hear that. interesting... it's easy to focus on yourself when all you live with is yourself...i need to focus on others needs to overcome this along with dependence on God's truth.
this same weekend, my dad called me long distance from central america (he and mom are in guatemala visiting family) so i ended up telling him everything about my struggle/hurdle and he was so encouraging with God's truth. pops gets it. he's been through so much. greatest gift God's ever given me. in heaven and on earth, i can say i have a good dad.

"Dear Future Husband:" A Letter To My Boo

hi. i'm your future wife. i don't like that word. wife. it's sooo boring sounding. there's gotta be a better word. i don't wanna just be your wife. wife. ugh. it just doesn't sound as royal as husband. so meanwhile...while you and i haven't met or maybe had that light-bulb moment of "oh my gosh, he/she's freakin' amazing!!! ...and not ugly at all!"...i'm gonna think of a better word for wife.

husband and bride. that sounds better. i know it's nothing new but it's more majestic and until i come up with something else, this will do.

i'll be your bride. never call me wife. ugh. "hello, this is my bride, leslie..." i like that. oh and feel free to throw in any other flattering adjectives next to that...

i hope you make me laugh a lot. that's all for now.

your bride.

Letting it out helps to let it go

got to do that tonight. it's not good to bottle up things. even if you're telling things to God, you still need humans who somewhat understand to hear you out. even stuff that's hard to say or that you dont know how to come about to say, God hears the groans and i think He makes a way for you to be heard...suddenly my heart's at peace.

J O Y

people usually associate me with that. i associate me with that. joyful anything, i love it.

i think the whole joy thing gets misunderstood. being in a good mood doesn't mean it's joy.

am i in a good mood all the time. noooooooooooooooo. if you work or have lived with me you so know this.

i've had my share of bad days and no matter what my opinion is, people still use joy to describe me. how the??? at first i didn't understand.

don't these people know me? don't they know that i'm not perfect and that i can be such a jerk at times??

how can you say i'm joyful?

and so this is what i've figured out thus far....joy is more than a smile, a laugh...it's an overall ingredient of your character.

i hate bad days. don't you? i hate losing. i hate being embarassed. i don't enjoy interacting with rude people. i don't enjoy not having friends. i hate the traffic in florida.

i've expressed my dislike for the things that are outside my comfort zone. but the neat thing is that i have the choice to allow these things to shape me or break me. maybe both. but basically, joy develops when we endure through tough stuff. romans 5:3-5 check it out.

joy costs. it's not free. so that's where my joy springs from. i'm a messed up girl who's now redeemed moment by moment and lives to tell about it.

Radio Boot Camp...Is that what I signed up for? :)

i guess so.

right off the bat i'm learning about how self-centered i've been. i've had an ego.

so the challenge is to let God shred this ego even though you're surrounded by other people who are just like you! shhhhyahhhh! that's my made-up word out of frustration.

i loooove radio. i do. i know this because no matter how much i suck at it right now, no matter the volumes of knowledge and experience i lack, i still have nooooo desire to quit. as a matter of fact, it makes me wanna try harder! i seriously have this dream alive in me.

right now i'm being molded.

words really can't help me here. but i'll say what's inside my heart.

like, i'm so thankful for this opportunity.

living in florida has exposed so many weaknesses to me. i didn't know how poor i was.

not financially but spiritually.

i still am. i need help y'all.

this whole blog has had lots of somber entries...

i'm new to this whole radio thing.

so there's that.

now i have to learn how to train my mind to serve people who don't give a rip about me.

you remember the Jesus speech about loving your enemies? yep.

it's soooo hard to love someone who doesn't love you back.

it hurts that even though God says HE's not a respector of persons, we are.

this past weekend i had the privelege of attending this radio conference called momentum.

i was surrounded by some of the biggest fish in radio.

i tried to soak up all i could.

a year ago i had zero experience and would've never guessed i'd be able to attend one of these conferences. but there i was.

it was somewhat uncomfortable at first. i didn't know who i'd be hanging out with. weird thing is that i noticed some things never end in high school. there are still cliques being formed by adults in their late 30's and up.

so there i was. trying to fit in all over again. and then it dawned on me. wtf? seriously?
okay, so i hardly use the f-word but it's one of those moments where it just fits. just flow with me for a sec. so i got nudged with the reality that it's okay if i'm not the life of the party. it's okay not to know everybody. it's okay to not be the favorite. it's okay to just go up to people and talk to them even though they didn't initiate it. most importantly, my purpose for being at this conference was to learn and grow.

so at that point i just let go. it was hard but i know i did it. that's when i started to meet great people. feels sooo great to meet people without so much ego. not sayin' all the people at this conference had ego but i'd say a large percent. heck even me! i know, right!? i still want to be known...i'm bad, i know. it's just this great feeling i'm sorta addicted to when someone says you cheered them up....it's that knowing that you were able to reflect hope to a person who thought they were hopeless...or knowing that somebody enjoys your quirks...them enjoying you is a confirmation of why God made you the way He made you.

so in this business of radio, i should still be "about my Father's business..." i know it's cheesy but i had to! Jesus said it and it totally fits this blog. basically, there's a greater purpose for being on the microphone. it's not about me. so i'm thinking sharing the "good news" has sooo many dimensions. what i mean is that so much good comes out of knowing who God is and pursuing Him. for me, it's hope. so that's the good news i want to share on the air. it's my story. Even though i know i'm made for this, there is no way i can do this apart from God. john 15:5...check it yo! hey, even if you're not a bible-reader, there's a lot of wisdom inside it that you shan't pass up! ;)

ok, something else i've learned is that because i'm new to radio and it's an honor to be helping with shows, i don't have rights. yep. i don't have a right to feel left out. i don't have a right to complain. i don't have a right to expect. all i have a right to is to serve.

great. the thing i've sucked at my whole life. i'm here to serve.

Jesus washed his disciples' feet and said we should follow that example. there was a time when i read that and could care less what Jesus implied. but now it's a sacrifice i need to make. it's what Jesus said to do. it's the right thing to do. even if i don't like it. it's a sacrifice. an act of worship. ouch.

i'm sore.

I'm an outsider

it's what i feel like...

i miss belonging to someone.

to people.

i moved to florida knowing i at least had 2 people i could count on as friends.

they're a family. i love when they have me over and stuff like that, but i still don't really feel like i belong.

i want my own family.

i have my family in san antonio. i have another in nashville.

don't know how else to describe it.

i miss being affirmed. i got lots of that in nashville.

i haven't taken that love language quiz but i'm pretty sure i'm an affirmation person. i also love to receive stuff too.

here i'm nobody's favorite.

so i was telling the one of my 2 friends that i felt like the underdog.

i may have said it pridefully at one point but now i just honestly see myself as an underdog...

like, i don't know how the heck i'll become that great dj i dream of becoming. tough monkeys man.

so why not quit? because i was made for this. it's all i know.

i'm not good at anything else. not like i'm really good at this radio stuff but the passion is insane. i want it.

somebody told me i have potential. i want to believe it.

i partially do believe it. and then when i suck at it, i don't want to believe it.

all this stuff is hard to be learning all together on one plate.

i'm alone. i don't fit in. hello florida.

honestly, i wish i had attention. i miss having attention. someone to side with me. someone to bounce stuff off of.

i'm pretty much stripped of all i had in nashville.

i'm jealous of the people who have all i lost.

so when i start to think about how i wish i could be somebody else just so i can feel the attention they get, i tell myself that as much as i'd like to be liked and favored and attended to by the people i work with, i'm not here for them. i'm not here to have his attention, her attention, their attention...i'm not here to be favored by them....i ultimately have an audience of one.

God brought me here. as much as i yearn for all this human praise, i'm realizing it's not what i need. otherwise God would have given it to me when i moved here. it's hard for me to walk on without all those things.

i thought human praise was fuel.

He says no.

i'm insecure when it comes to basing my value on these people.

i am, however, secure when i base myself "in Christ." everything's different when you're "in Christ."

i guess He wants all the glory. i can't say it was for my looks, my charm...

God gave me a passion. He gave me a laugh. He gave me a desire for honesty and realness.

i very much feel like an outsider.

perfect timing for needtobreathe's cd this year.

Not FAiR!

today it's one of those "it's not fair!" days.

why do i have to keep working at starbucks??!

why didn't learn this stuff earlier in life? now i'm 30 and barely learning!

grr.

rrrrr.

and then to top it off, kloe kardashian has her own radio show in miami, fl.

how the heck??!!

why should i be happy for her??

she didn't have to work her butt off at all!

she was born into a rich family!

their work consists of looking good and semi-managing a clothing store!

why does she get to have her own radio show??

this is soooo Not FAiR!!!

meanwhile i have to keep working at effin' starbucks. yep. i said effin. it's bad. let me be rebellious for a mili-second, okay?! seriously. i never got to cuss as a kid. so just suck it up and listen to my heart here!

God!!! thank You for this opportunity. i know the fact i even have time on air is pure gold...it's just that, why is she gettin' to do this? she's not even helping people!

*sigh*

then His response: "your job has eternal value."

it makes a difference in eternity. ok. hers is too though. just not positively.

the other day i had to re-read the end of the book of john. the part in particular i was needing to read was when peter is walking with Jesus after his resurrection...at this point Jesus had already appeared to the disciples like 3 times...anyway, lemme paraphrase all this...

so Jesus fills peter in on how he's gonna die in the future...and then peter looks back and sees john following him and Jesus. so peter asks Jesus, "what about him? will he die before you return??" and then Jesus says, "what's it to you what i do with John? you follow me."

"you follow me." that's it? what did Jesus mean? well, i guess i always understood it as, "you focus on me and don't be concerned about what i do with other people?" i guess if i follow Jesus and you follow Jesus, we're all going to the same place with Jesus...

so i guess i shouldn't be all up on God's grill about what He's doing in other people's lives...

i guess i get jealous and i think that's exactly what Jesus didn't want for me, nor peter.

the greatest career choice, dream, vision, call for your life is following Jesus.

no matter if you've known Him for years or for about a minute....it's technically not fair but that's the beauty of having God as our Lord. His mercy allows us to learn from opportunities we could never earn on our own.

it's universal. 2+2=4 everywhere in the world. to have a relationship with God it's gotta be through Jesus. and no matter what we do in life, we're following Jesus.

okay. i'm done being redundant. God is faithful.

this is my psalm.

S E X.

this topic is one i've always avoided.

it's the one "you just don't talk about."

but God created it, right?

so it's not bad.

just like anything, i guess it gets abused.

so lately i hear a lot of jokes. sexual ones. usually about penis-this or that. it's sooo common.

it makes me wonder if something's wrong with me for squirming at the sound of the word itself.

so today i was just wondering if there were people who would make sex jokes back in bible times.

you think so?

well, david, the man after God's own heart, was also a man whore. i don't know if men were crude back in the day.

today it just seems like guys are defining manhood with crudeness.

it grosses me out.

i don't wanna hear about penises. i don't wanna hear about vaginas.

can't we just be cool without all that extra info.?

i'm trying to dig for a reason why people have a need to bring up sex??? why? what's the point? why is it something funny? i don't understand why it's funny.

it's a good thing. it's almost like an art piece to me. granted i haven't crossed that path yet, i imagine it's something personal and kinda like a diamond at tiffany's.

i mean, who jokes about a diamond? it just doesn't make sense.

but there i am in the midst of somekind of sex talk at work.

am i curious? yes but i think the stuff i don't know, i don't need to know yet. i mean, my life is fine without knowing that stuff yet.

until i have a husband, then i guess some tips from a few of my closest friends would do.

i wish i could talk about this more openly so that maybe you could see where i'm coming from. but it's awkward.

i mean, if my own brothers were to tell me penis jokes, how disgusting would that be? i'd freak! why would we even go there?? or why would i tell them sex jokes?

i don't want to be prude here but seriously, i think life is full of bloopers outside of sex and body parts.

all this is my response after watching the movie, "funny people." i compromised and watched the entire movie even though certain parts made me feel uncomfortable. "well i covered my eyes" or "i tried not to hear..." but there i sat.

i guess part of me was curious and the other part of me was wanting for my mainstream friend to be comfortable with me. i don't want to be the friend that you can't watch this with. i want her to feel like she can be herself with me without worrying about offending me. i took a risk. i hope my friend saw that.

is it possible to feel uncomfortable without feeling convicted? or am i trying to justify this?

what was the outcome?

well, my friend had a great time with me! she's had a rough life up to this point and i wanted her to be able to laugh and be at ease with someone who loves her unconditionally. she's a victim of domestic violence/abuse and so anyway...

i hope i made the right decision.

Super Good Feeling

that's a favorite bleach song of mine...bleach was one of the best bands in the christian music industry back in the day...

anyway, this blog isn't about them.

i just love that i'm here in florida for such a time as this! ya' know? this is such a new process for me and even though times get not so comfy, the adventure of living for God far outweighs the worst of days.

i'm not always obedient but i want to be.

i'm not always thankful but i want to be.

i'm not always cool and even though i want to be...you know, so i can be accepted...

motives. they're a big deal.

i'm not here to live up to anyone's expectations of me even though sometimes i think i am.

here's the truth: i'm here to reach my full potential in Christ. i'm already accepted by Him.

i'm here as an instrument to God.

why do i keep forgetting the essentials? crazy me.

well, just the other day i was reminded of my passion to include people.

God gave me a gift to be able to connect easily with people, not so that i could be popular or "cool" but to point people to Him; unconditional Love.

i want to be an encouragement to people, not a discouragement.

i know what it feels like to be left out.

i know what it feels like to not be the best looking.

i know what it feels like to be a nerd, dork, geek...

yep. i know.

i never ever want to make someone feel like they don't belong.

if anything, i want people to feel God's love like soundwaves when you're at a loud concert standing right by the speakers. ya'know? to where it leaves your ears ringing and you're deaf to the world even after it's all over. ha!

there are days when i'm working at starbucks and my heart and mind are more alert to this invisible work of God...so when i realize what's up, i go along with God's work...

okay God. i'm with You. yes, let's do this.

10 minute blog...it's 5:11p.m. right now...

okay.

i had one of the most intense days ever yesterday.

something's happening in my heart lately.

ever since i turned 30 i know it sounds weird but there was a shift in my heart...

my whole life, i've been the center of attention. i mean, i was the 5th born child to an almost-perfect family of 4 of 2 boys and 2 girls.

for almost my whole life i've defined myself with the attention i'm able to obtain from others. honestly, i've always attracted people ever since i was a kid and i didn't know why. my earliest memories of this are sundays at church and people coming to pinch my cheeks. back then i was cute. then i grew up. my teenage years are a blur to me. i don't know what kind of personality i had but i know that those years weren't my favorite.

fast forward to the age of 20. it was during my college years that God began opening my spiritual eyes...about my perception of Him and about myself...from 20 to 30, it's been a decade of healing, restoration and now more healing...

i didn't think i still needed healing. wow. yesterday is a testament of the fact that this process is so not over.

i felt so insecure. it was awful and there was nobody that could say anything to change how i felt. all i know was that my heart was throbbing.

so when i got home, i let it all out. i cried my heart out to Father-God like an infant crying for momma or dadda....you know, that gut cry and ever so often the spurts of more crying...that was me last night.

my heart was broken.

broken because i had fallen for the lie that if i'm not always the center of attention then something is wrong with me. i was so embarassed at myself. so so so embarassed.

so here's the downlow:

whether i have 1 or 5 people around me, that doesn't define who i am.

my identity is in Christ.

and then i started to see myself on that cross with Christ.

Him holding me while i broke.

we both died so that we could be united forever.

and even though i felt so rejected and like a failure for not holding up, God let me know i wasn't alone because i am in Christ and He's in me. i cry, He cries.

so somewhere during my sob-fest i fell asleep and woke up to the sweet lullaby of pouring rain...

and i walked out to my porch to find a beautiful rainbow.

God's covenant to me. He will always be committed to me no matter what.

see, because we-Christ and i-died on the cross together, we resurrected to new life together too.

that, my friend, is hope and the good truth is that He'll never ever leave me alone.

i've been reading "the normal christian life" by watchman nee...this is where i'm at...

it's good to be broken. it's good to be sober-minded.

it's good to blog for more than 10 minutes...

yikes. it's been 34 minutes....

but i had to let you know about the beginning of another breakthrough.

i'm only a branch, not the root.

Brief, Brilliant & Remarkable

that's my goal for radio.

Wide Awake!

it's currently 1:16 a.m. and i'm so awake! literally and spiritually! woah! this is cool.

i should seriously go wash my dirty hair that's been bathed by the salty gulf breeze and sand but i just want to get these thoughts out before...

God You're so good.

okay so lately i'm testing my relationship with God. pushing through the uncomfortable questions and confessions with Truth. it's like jabbing whatever's in my way with a sword. kah! kah! hi-yah! that's what's in my head.

i love the church God used to show me the blueprint of what He intended for me. it happened in good old tennessee and i guess that's why i hold tn so dear to my heart. that's where i made my first real friends there. real friends like the ones that are described in the Bible...like Jonathan, Aquila and Priscilla, timothy and all those proverbs...

that said, i'm not in that environment anymore. i live in florida and the people here are different. i smile, their eyebrows cave to the center...i say hi, they look and maybe make some eye contact, but that's it. i'm beginning to love florida. when i first moved here in october of last year, i saw florida as my enemy even though it was really gift. you've probably heard the phrase, "don't judge a book by it's cover," and it's so true. i did that and still struggle doing that with florida. so it's hot. big deal. it's beautiful!

people of all sizes and ages wear bikinis and speedos here! it's amazing! although i could go without seeing old men in speedos but oh well, it's done. lol the opportunity i've been given by being here has far outweighed all my crying and missing my friends times....it's not easy but it's soooo rewarding! i'm learning and honing the little by little goodness that's blossoming with practice. radio is something i'm sooo glad God's made me to do.

sometimes i get sidetracked on thoughts about me being too old or slow but God is so good and attentive to my needs. His hand has never left me. people could make fun of me and all those times i cried behind closed doors, He cried with me. God is my lifesaver. Jesus. the whole existence of my hope is in Him. Resurrection=hope.

so i want to share that with the world. let my big mouth proclaim hope to all! let my silence proclaim hope to all! let the trees, the waters, the storms, the trials proclaim hope! that's pretty much what i want my life to reflect. that God is our hope. He is Hope. the real thing. it's because of hope that i can smile and laugh really hard...i love God's love.

Death Row

3 famous people died this week.

ed mcmahon
farah fawcet
michael jackson

sad.

no matter who it is, i hate it when people die.

Tired

man...

i still can't get it right.

it's a heart thing.


how God continues to love us is uncanny to me...

and i'm sure it's how a lot of people feel.

okay, so last night i tweeted that i think it takes more than just 21 days to create a new habit. the reason why i think that is because it was about 7 years ago when i realized that reading the Word was to hear from God. i would venture that way but never stayed consistant.

because of my inconsistancy, i think something is not right inside. well, if i truly understood what Jesus did, then don't you think i'd passionately pursue Him? i wonder if maybe the reason why Jesus is not a surprise to me is because i was born and raised in church. i heard about Jesus way back when i couldn't even read yet. for the first 20 years of my life, i heard about Jesus every sunday. it was routine. religious.

it's when i think back about how Jesus rescued me out of darkness that this passion really sinks into me inch by inch. those times when i thought i wasn't good enough and that the world would be better off without me. i thought i would never be good enough for God to use me to impact masses. i remember watching a commercial on tbn about this ministry called teen mania. on this commercial there were different teens out in poverty stricken countries dressed as clowns trying to bring joy to the kids that lived there. it brought me to tears..."you have to be perfect to be used like that," is what i thought.

15 years later, i'm glad to say i've been on 4 mission trips. 2 of them were in my mom's homeland of guatemala and the other 2 in jacmel, haiti. crazy. anyway, thinking about those times is when the eyes of my heart really see who God is; He's real.

today i still struggle to maintain my relationship God. being still, quiet, thinking of others instead of myself-all those things don't come naturally to me. i get easily distracted by myself. my flesh. what it wants, feels....i can't remember the first time i read God's word and i understood it. but i know it happened.

so what's stopping me today? my fear that if i surrender every single area...it's gonna be too hard. when stuff is too hard, i get unhappy. but i've met people who are totally surrendered to God and they're refreshing people to know. do i want to be like that? yes and no. the "no" i said because when you really want something, you'll do whatever it takes, right?

well, these are some thoughts....feel free to drop me a note. xo

Fresh off my cold fingertips...

howdy my 2 readers! megan and natasha! lol

this is one of those blogs without purpose on my end other than i just feel like typing out what's going on inside my head...

okay, so since moving to florida i've been really testing what i've been taught to believe. i discovered that my relationship with God wasn't strong enough but His mercy is and well, He is and so that's how i'm here. when i lived in franklin, tn, i had all my peeps to chill with and we'd talk about God stuff but on my own with God is where the weakness is.

why do i put God off when it's just us? am i afraid? maybe. i know the things that seem in the way... and because i can't push'em away, i automatically assume i can't pursue God...because isn't God all or nothing? hmmm....i'll chime in some more later...gotta get to work..

okay..i'm back...

so yeah, isn't God all or nothing? like in Joel 2, He expresses He wants an exclusive relationship and for us to repent...

so when you don't lay things down, why would God be pleased with just your struggle to lay things down? i mean, deep down, you know you want to quit smoking or eating bad stuff...or you should exercise more...

then there's egypt...God totally put up with their shtuff...man, and they totally screwed God when moses went up the mountain to get the commandments...but God still had shreds of mercy left for them. why??!

i don't get it. i don't understand. it's humbling too because i can't praise God on the basis of the fact i've been consistently seeking Him, readin' my bible, doing what is right...the basis on which i love to sing to God and thank Him is because He's taken me in with all the baggage. i'm not deliberately sinning although sometimes i do but anyway...i guess it all goes back to the blood of Jesus. it's what God accepts us through. i wasn't even around when Jesus shed his blood, so i had no hand in this pardon...but for some reason i can't accept it. how screwed up is that?? God, THE one living God of this universe accepts the blood of His son for us and yet i'm here, "hmmm...are YOU sure Your son's blood is enough??"

grrr....God help me with my unbelief. this is a tougher issue than i thought. funny thing is God still chooses to use me. whaaa???

anyway, i need clarity. i don't want to take advantage of God's love, mercy and grace...

Perfect God for me

God is so good. It sounds so cliche but It's all I get to learn more and more about in life.

His love is like skin. it's everywhere on you.

have you ever heard of "writer's block"? well, i sort of have been going through something similar, only it's not in my writing. it's in my seeking.

"seeker's block." yeah, for the past 7 months it's been such a hard thing to do, to seek the Lord. i even feel funny calling Him "Lord" because i know i haven't been allowing God to be Lord of everything. just some things.

seeking God has become something extra or even optional instead of something vital and essential.

oh man. my biggest fear has been to fall away. even though in my heart of hearts i know that we will never separate, i fear the numbness that results from disobedience. whenever we don't do what we know is right, there it lies. i can't ignore it anymore.

so i've felt pretty scummy. off and on. but not really repentant. so anyway, i don't like it. i don't like the downward spiral....so last night i was thinking about all this...

have you ever been sooo thirsty that no matter how much liquid you drink, if it's not water, your thirst isn't quenched and when you finally get a bottle of water, you open it up sooo quickly and your fingers are trippy and fumbling and then you finally get the bottle open and you rush the bottle up to your mouth taking in the biggest gulps not caring that some of the water drips down your chin....it's good and it's what your body needs to fight dehydration.

okay so that's what i experienced with God's word...i needed to hear from God immediately and i needed to know if God was sick of me yet. seriously, i know you're probably thinking "doesn't she know about the end of romans 8" but man, with my horrible unfaithfulness and lack of devotion, i just needed to be reassured that God is still at work in me. am i gonna let the devil keep lulling me with apathy? oh HELLLL NO! i say this knowing that i'm still responsible for my disobedience...my choices.

so i opened up the Bible and straight to 1 Timothy i drank...man, i drank....truth is soooo quenching....like, seriously, paul encouraged me. i'm not the worst sinner and God's here for the long haul. so much was said in the first chapter...i wish i could tell you what God underlined but i can't remember it right now...i know, i know, it's like one of those awesome sermons where you take notes because you know you have to go back and review it so it really sinks...so the next blog i'll post this juicy truth on here for ya. drinks on me everyone! cheers!

anyway, this morning i woke up and still with the peace and comfort i received from reading 1 timothy...so i know my relationship with God needs maintanance. i'm ready. today's message at church was sooo right on for me. my relationship with God affects everything.

so happy mother's day after. thank You God for being all You say You are. Perfect for me. awwwwww... :)

Leslie's Love-life Report***

ha...this title makes me smile...

so my crush list is down to zero once again.

feels good.

i'm not here for hanky-panky man!

lol..

so yeah. my love-life is me learning how to love people the way Jesus loved/loves me.

fin.

Vomit

it's what needs to come out from being inside...

stuff you feed yourself that isn't good for you ends up becoming...

vomit.

when was the last time you had to vomit?

mine was on Christmas Day 2008.

i wonder if it symbolizes anything...

all i know is that when you know there's no other way to feel better than to vomit, it's the worst feeling looking into that toilet bowl.

your skin is somewhere between pale yellow and white. your lips are sorta greyish lilac...your veins feel shaky with every move you make...your breathing gets heavier and heavier...

it's like confrontation with the worst monster ever.

this is what it's like when you're forced to be honest with yourself.

lately there's a thought that's been echoing in my head and after recently going back through my old journals, i noticed that this particular thought was floating all over my mind years ago...

so what's the thought?

feeling left out.

it's odd because most of the time i'm in a crowd and i love people interaction. it's like a pulse for me. i was made to be with people.

yet there's a battle of the mind and heart that tugs inside me.

years ago my eyes were opened to the truth about basing your identity in Christ than in other things. it was killer! i was mad and thrilled at the same time! mad because no one teaches you this when you become a Christian and thrilled because God's word started to make some sense to me.

so fast-forward to today. struggle still in tact but not with as much force. how do i know? because it makes me feel important to think of having a better job or a better style or a better purse or a better anything tangible. but if i don't have those things, i don't feel important and it makes me feel upset, inferior, anything not happy. wow. this is nasty truth comin' straight out.

i feel like no one takes me seriously. then there's God.

today on my break from work i was fighting this thought that kept flopping it's way into my heart...

at first i thought i was mad at an individual who made a comment that triggered the thought:

i'm only here to make coffee. i'm just the coffee girl and nothing more. it's who i am.

ouch. what's wrong with being a coffee girl? well, i don't know about you but i haven't heard of any baristas makin it big on the latest issue of forbes. nor have i heard kids say "when i grow up i wanna be a barista.." where's the respect?

anyway, back to my break...as i was battling this i kept asking God to just plain help me. Jesus help me. there's gotta be something i'm missing here...and there was but man i had to press through....and maybe i was physically too weak to fight so i put my head down to lightly nap...started to feel better....

so then i woke up and the thought was still there...so then right before my break was over i opened up to galatians 6:4-10 and there was something in there that really hit the spot for me...

see, i know that i'm learning more and more how to be a servant while working at starbucks but i guess i wish it was something else...but then God reminded me that who i am is not a dj, not a barista, not a whatever, but a child of God, King. it doesn't matter if nobody wants to take me seriously. what matters is that i'm obedient to the Father. Love, Love, Love.

Love. God is. His love makes me wanna vomit. Actually, in order to let His love in, i have to vomit out all the assumptions, misconceptions, offenses and unforgiveness so love can live. be active.

so the next time you see me, please see me as God sees me, His. oh yes, i too gotta practice what i preach...but before that, excuse me, i gotta v....

cheesy ending.

Relationships or lack thereof...

relationships are huge in life. i mean, life consists of relationships. so what am i up to? i'm just thinking of relationships...

okay. i didn't want to write about this but it's on my mind and at the risk of sounding desperate, i'm just gonna say it. i want to be in a relationship but i'm not.

it's been like almost 10 years since my last relationship and i'm not who i was then...i'm glad.

some people say that you should date a good number of guys so you know what you like and what you don't like.

i don't agree with that.

a good number of people have questioned why i'm not in a relationship. it's almost like they think something is wrong with me. ha.

i feel fine. i actually think me not being in multiple relationships has saved me from pre-mature aging. no wrinkles. thank God.

um, so where am i going with all this? *sigh* i guess i'm just dispersing thoughts...i don't know if anybody reads my blog but it helps get these thoughts out...it's for me.

i always think that the reason i'm not in a relationships is because i'm not ready but the weird thing is i don't know when i'll ever be ready. i'm still pretty selfish and i hear that to be married you can't be selfish...bah. well, we're not in heaven yet so....yeah...you know what i mean...

my thing is, i don't want to be in the wrong relationship. i truly-absolutely-without-a-doubt believe that God has planned who I'll marry since before i was born...so i know there is such a thing as a right relationship...and just from past experiences...whenever i've tried to manipulate stuff into happening, it goes all wrong. blows up in my face. i just don't want to do that again. i don't have time to waste. i'm not isolating myself from the male species either. i mean, i am sooo open to having friendships with men and women...call me old-fashioned but if a godly guy even thinks i'm his potential wife, he should know and it should already be installed in him to pursue me. know what i'm sayin'?? dang right gina! *sigh*

so with all that said. i so want to meet my future husband guy...friend. i hope he's more than what i think i want and need. i hope He makes me a laugh for years to come. i hope he's not weird. i hope he either has a sense of style or is open to letting me lead the way in that area...i hope he's musically/media inclined...i hope he's a strong leader-type that's got his confidence fully in Christ...so he can teach me how to do that..i hope he likes to drive me places...um i hope he enjoys a good cup of coffee. i hope he's a great cook! oh man!

out of all that stuff i just mentioned...laughing together is what i look forward to.

until then, let the process in me continue. i have a lot of growing up to do. my relationship with God needs help...sometimes i feel like a beginner but then i remember all i've learned but not applied...makes a difference...obedience...

alright. i'm getting sleepy. time for bed. xoxo

***Crush Update***

Just to let you know...

My crushes are over. I am glaaad too! My heart needs to be saved for something real. KNow what I'm sayin'?? Holla'!

Oh and pray for me because working at Starbucks has gotten me pretty jaded...

*fade in Steven Tyler's song Jaded* :)

Crush, Crush, Crush!! ;)

So here's my question to you married people:

Do you end up marrying someone you had a crush on at one time?

I've had crushes left and right, so yeah I wonder if one of these guys could be "the one."

I like having a crush on someone but the sad part is that it's only temporary. So I still get butterflies thinking about a possibility with the person but then I remember it's all just a crush and that I need to simma' down.

So...

Crush #1: He's very musically inclined and always listens to me. He's very much in pursuit of God. That's hot.

Crush #2: He's funny and in Nashville. He is such a great guy and he's been through so much. He has a great family that I love. He's becomes more and more attractive the stronger his pursuit of God.

Crush #3: He's new to me. He's just really kind and mature for whatever age he is. He's also very respectful and super knowledgeable.

*sigh*

Okay, so what's up with guys when they say "take care." I recently read an email from one of my crushes and everything he had to say was super sweet and then bam, he ends the email with "take care,..."

I don't get it. Oh well. That's it about my "love-life." :)

6 Months in Florida

Current mood: Gratefullllll
Greetings!It's been a long time since my last update and let me just say that since my last entry life has been all the while a series of lessons either learned or in the process of being learned. Living in Florida has opened my eyes to the true state of my heart. Who likes to admit their heart is pretty nasty still even after receiving God's unconditional love? Well, it makes me sigh with disappointment but not enough to make me ever give up. Somewhere inside, God's spirit in me is what keeps me alive and going. I believe that's part of the comfort the Holy Spirit brings into our lives. It's a river inside and yeah things can be cruddy at times but it's that Spirit of God that carries you along with it's current. A river is always moving. Even if there's a huge rock in the way, the river just keeps flowing around it or over it. It never stops. I believe that not giving up when things get tough is evidence of the Holy Spirit at work. The Holy Spirit plus God's word make for more strength than found in man.

I started reading this book called "The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee. I'm starting to realize the importance and significance of firstly, the reality of the blood of Jesus. Jesus dying for my sins all for love is good knowledge but I was missing something. I still found myself trying to be good enough for God even though Jesus' blood is sufficient. If God accepts it, then it should be good enough for me to accept. It all goes back to the Passover in Leviticus...I remember crying when I read all the humiliation people would go through, confessing all their junk in front of everybody, to be forgiven and yet there still was no remedy for their guilt and shame from sin. There was no goat, lamb or any animal perfect enough to cover guilt and shame on top of sin. THen Jesus came along and changed everything. He was the perfect sacrifice. Still is and always will be. Still with me so far??

So with all that said...Today I was thinking about how I didn't wake up to have time with God this morning nor yesterday morning...the thought came, "oh man, I didn't have my time with God....doesn't feel good....wonder how things will go...." That's how I feel when I don't take time to get into reading the Bible...I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like my day is going to be cruddy all because of my lack of devotion. I feel like it's all my fault and so that's where all my focus goes. I hold on to shame and guilt....I forget what Jesus did...what He shed. His perfect blood....Anyway...So Jesus' blood covers not just forgiveness of my sins but gives me a clear conscience. I don't have to keep rewinding all the bad stuff I've thought or done. Jesus Blood gives me a clean slate every time.

In my weakness He is strong. His grace is sufficient. There is glory in it all.

Lately, while being trained at the Joy FM and just learning...I watch Jayar, Carmen, Bill, Dave, Kris, Mary, Karen, Dan, Jeff, Luisa and everybody there and I see how hard they work. They're all diligent in what they do and I'm learning so much from them they don't even know it... Jayar is and I think he'll always be someone I admire in this whole radio industry. I'm still a fan. Not because this guy is heard by lots of people or that he knows a lot of people but because of his hard work. This guy works hard and it shows. I watch him and I think to myself, "how the heck will I ever be that good?!" Dang! It makes me laugh. Seriously, I never made plans to even be this far....It seemed impossible to even be doing what I'm doing right now! Yet, God made a way ya'll! It's neat how God allots a measure of faith to each of us according to what He's made us to do. Faith: the evidence of things unseen. So this excites me. The fact that I don't see how the heck I will ever be that good is a good sign. It's all for God's glory and His glory alone. This is gonna be a miracle. I am 29 but yay for sweet redemption. God redeems it all. So I'm walking on water at the Joy FM. I'm honored to belong to God. I'm honored that He chooses to use me. I'm honored that I get to learn from the best of the best radio has ever had. Every person at this station, I kid you not, is good!!! This really is a Christian radio station. Christian, not because of the music they play but because of what their faith displays. This station is a team, a body that is willing to be the hands and feet of JEsus to Florida and the world. Seriously. They sincerely care about people's lives. They do it in their own personal lives and then they let that trickle into the heart of this station. I'm amazed at the fact that there could really be a station that is real about being like Christ. Putting others before themselves. The fruit is everywhere and seeds keep spitting out everywhere! Wow.

Anyway, this is where I'm at and even though I don't know the exact details of all that God will be doing in me, in my life, I have decided that I will trust Him. He's always been trustworthy. Here are the lyrics to a song that's hitting the spot for me these days:

"If my heart has grown cold,There Your love will unfold; As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.When I'm blind to my way,There Your Spirit will pray;As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.Chorus:Oceans will part; nations comeAt the whisper of Your call.Hope will rise; glory shown.In my life, Your will be done.Verse 2:Present suffering may pass,Lord, Your mercy will last;As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.And my heart will find praise,I'll delight in Your way,As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand."

True story. :)