okay.
i had one of the most intense days ever yesterday.
something's happening in my heart lately.
ever since i turned 30 i know it sounds weird but there was a shift in my heart...
my whole life, i've been the center of attention. i mean, i was the 5th born child to an almost-perfect family of 4 of 2 boys and 2 girls.
for almost my whole life i've defined myself with the attention i'm able to obtain from others. honestly, i've always attracted people ever since i was a kid and i didn't know why. my earliest memories of this are sundays at church and people coming to pinch my cheeks. back then i was cute. then i grew up. my teenage years are a blur to me. i don't know what kind of personality i had but i know that those years weren't my favorite.
fast forward to the age of 20. it was during my college years that God began opening my spiritual eyes...about my perception of Him and about myself...from 20 to 30, it's been a decade of healing, restoration and now more healing...
i didn't think i still needed healing. wow. yesterday is a testament of the fact that this process is so not over.
i felt so insecure. it was awful and there was nobody that could say anything to change how i felt. all i know was that my heart was throbbing.
so when i got home, i let it all out. i cried my heart out to Father-God like an infant crying for momma or dadda....you know, that gut cry and ever so often the spurts of more crying...that was me last night.
my heart was broken.
broken because i had fallen for the lie that if i'm not always the center of attention then something is wrong with me. i was so embarassed at myself. so so so embarassed.
so here's the downlow:
whether i have 1 or 5 people around me, that doesn't define who i am.
my identity is in Christ.
and then i started to see myself on that cross with Christ.
Him holding me while i broke.
we both died so that we could be united forever.
and even though i felt so rejected and like a failure for not holding up, God let me know i wasn't alone because i am in Christ and He's in me. i cry, He cries.
so somewhere during my sob-fest i fell asleep and woke up to the sweet lullaby of pouring rain...
and i walked out to my porch to find a beautiful rainbow.
God's covenant to me. He will always be committed to me no matter what.
see, because we-Christ and i-died on the cross together, we resurrected to new life together too.
that, my friend, is hope and the good truth is that He'll never ever leave me alone.
i've been reading "the normal christian life" by watchman nee...this is where i'm at...
it's good to be broken. it's good to be sober-minded.
it's good to blog for more than 10 minutes...
yikes. it's been 34 minutes....
but i had to let you know about the beginning of another breakthrough.
i'm only a branch, not the root.
