Not so cozy anymore...

some stuff is hard to swallow. pills that are dry and large. they're usually some form of medication to help you get better but not something i crave. i've never enjoyed taking meds. nyquil, sudafed, advil, ibuprofen, vitamins...they're all meant to aleviate you of something. usually it's pain. they don't get rid of the sickness though. they just get rid of the symptoms temporarily. maybe that's why some people become addicted to these.

who wants to deal with the real issues? not me. just gimme a pill. the bummer is that relief is temporary with this stuff. i feel the same way about this process of life i'm walking through. i'm insecure, paranoid and self-centered. meds to make me feel better: friends, church, work. where's Christ in all this? i guess He's also been used by me to make me feel better. the only difference between Christ and other meds is that He goes beyond my expectations. He's alive and His will is for my best. so even when i use Christ, He works on my behalf.

why don't i use Christ more often then? because He exposes everything. He's light. when you're sleeping at night and someone comes to turn on the lights, you squint and try to cover your eyes by either pulling the covers over your face or with a pillow...it takes you away from your comfortable state. there you were all cozy in bed and then this.

i've become cozy with way too much. it's not okay. the things that i battle with stem out of fear which stems out of pride. it's a pride issue. the world doesn't revolve around me but in my head it does. it's horrible because it ruins my life. it robs me of the joy of the journey, the process. i get mad at God often. "why did you place me in a place with all these people who are better than me??" "i hate this! i hate feeling this way! nobody cares about me!" is any of that true? well, nobody has actually told me this stuff but it's stuff i've collected from the past. does it match what the truth of God's word is? okay, well no but, BUT, there's always a but that limits me. i guess i partially believe the truth. i have a lot of head knowledge but i need it to be plugged into my heart. i can't function like this.

today one of our co-workers lost her husband. i was upset about it. but then i become more upset about myself. the things i struggle with. comparing myself to others. not trusting God. so there's the issue of my co-worker that should be my only concern but sadly i'm also thinking about myself..it's pride at the core...

Dear Boo,

hey. hi. i hope you're happy. i'm still single because of you.

ah, it's okay. you're just taking a bit longer than i ever thought you would....

i'm more determined not to settle for anything less than you...along with a bunch of other dreams.

love music? i hope it's something we can bop our heads to like dorks in the car while you drive.
later.

your bride. :-)

Heartbreak Warfare

i really like the song....anyway, it seems like this is what goes on inside me. it's really a battle of the mind. it's something i desperately need to tackle this year. can't do it by myself though.

this is how i feel every time i put so much hope in humans i look up to. every time i compare myself to someone else who's better than me. everytime i get overlooked. when idols let me down. i care more about the opinions of certain people than about what pleases God. that's idolatry, right?

C R A Z Y. one part of me struggles with the thought of not being good enough because of verbal abuse from my mom. she didn't know what she was really doing. i don't blame her. she had to raise 5 kids mostly on her own while dad was out working long days and weeks even. she had a temper. she kept us all in check and it was a bit damaging BUT forgiveness is healing.

dad, when he came into town, was my hero. still is. he wasn't the discplinary because he was hardly home. he'd come to the rescue. i'd cry to my dad about how it sucked at home without him and his remedy was to take me out on shopping sprees. i became spoiled. but at the same time, i really treasured those times he took me out. i'll never forget when he took me out for coffee at ihop and asked me if he could get me a new mommy. ha! he told me he could find me a pretty blonde mommy who was nice if i wanted. so you see why quality time to me equals love. gifts do too but i mostly enjoyed the time with my dad than the shopping...although i do love shopping.

my relationship with my mom isn't the best but it's gotten better. so time has passed and i've started to heal and sometimes it feels like i'm always gonna be in the healing process. my heart breaks when people don't want to spend time with me. my heart breaks when i try to do my best and it's still not the best.

it's a war in my mind. prayer helps but i don't depend on it often as a weapon. sometimes i'm so upset that i don't want to talk about it even with God. it's humiliating. i don't know people in florida that well to dish this out to them. plus, i can't bring this into either workplace. so where do i lay this down?

okay God. i see where this is going...

so where do you lay your burdens down these days?