Facebook, Hello Again!

crazy. i didn't think i could do it. a whole month away from social networking. but i did.what i did instead was read, talk to God, blog, work. nope, i'm not perfect yet but its crazy how much i was on facebook...tryin' to connect myself to something...an idea-that by being on facebook constantly i'm still plugged into something..

i'm in florida and i can't keep neglecting friendships God's put in my way. love is clearer to me...

spent time with people i don't usually spend time with...heck i never really spend time with that many people....but anyway...learning to love expecting nothing in return. learning to love when it's inconvenient. it's okay to give of myself. not be afraid of being hurt.

trusting God, it's like an art or somethin'...an art of living....anyway, i've made it to chapter 17 of blue like jazz so far...the donald miller book...i didn't read it religiously(ok i did at first) but man it feels good to read a book written by someone who thinks a whole lot like me...i mean, i even blogged about the guy....wanting to marry him....haaa...

in other news, hey i'm still losing weight...down 46 pounds so far...feels good. yay!

so i just posted my first status update back on facebook...felt good to see that little red icon with numbers poppin' up numbers of comments...been wondering if the fast/break from facebook worked? because when i told my brother i was fasting facebook, he was like "oh cool! what are you fasting for? a big decision? job?" and i was like, "oh, well, i guess just wanting God to be my first priority instead of facebook. don't wanna have idols..." i felt convicted about makin' it my idol. it's interesting how when we put an idol down, we pick up another. whatever's accessible. i started idolizing a person. reminds me of reading louie giglio's book on worship a long time ago..said we were made to worship...so even though i put facebook down....i still struggle with idolatry...

project runway season 3

it's my favorite season.

it's my pick for this friday night.

"God is alive and well and working on my side. He wasn't drunk today like he was the day I had to work with Angela's mom..." -Jeffrey Sebelia

i thought it was funny. never thought of God being drunk. he's perfect so i guess that wouldn't happen....but he was human....a perfect human. never read of him being drunk...ah well, i still love the honesty in that comment jeff made.

there's just something i really appreciate about honesty. even when it hurts at first. it's refreshing and a lifesaver in the end.

fogged up lenses...

gosh. my last entry was pretty emo. honest--but still emotions aren't always the best lenses for reality, ya know?

ah well...things are better...the night is over and it's a new day....i have to contend for the goodness that always remains...God's super faithful and trustworthy...people are people, what can you do you?...it's rhetorical...

anyway, my lenses aren't fogged up anymore...

makes sense though...when things get heated, your lenses can fog up...

anyway...life goes on!

tonight...

just when i thought i was over missing my life in nashville...it hit me again.

by october i'll have been living in florida 2 whole years. 2 whole years of my life. sounds like a long time and why do i still miss nashville? my heart hurts.

out of all the people i've met so far. don't feel like anyone loves me the way my friends in nashville loved me. me, me, me....sound familiar? oh mercy. *sigh* i really did sigh.

i feel like i have to try extra hard here to be loved. rejection is a fear off and on. i have a married couple here that i'm friends with the most. they're the only people i have history with. sometimes i'm afraid they don't really love me how i want to be loved.

maybe i'm just thinking way too much or letting my emotions get the best of me tonight. just feels like i put so much into our friendship and just wanting to feel loved and sometimes it feels not the same on their end. this could just be the fact they have kids and their own agenda. i wish someone would bend over backwards to spend time with me (yep i've got issues). maybe they do and i just don't see it. all i see is my side of the story...maybe i'm putting way too much responsibility on their end...they don't have to love me...i should love them, expecting nothing in return. yep.

then there's Jesus. i know. he died a horrible death on the cross so we could hang. no pun intended. but he's still invisible. i hate how hard this is. God why do you have me here? i'm not talking just physically but spiritually? i feel lousy. i'm a horrible lover. i can't love like you. i've never had to put so much into being selfless like you. i suck at being selfless. it hurts me a lot and i'm always afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of. i think this is the part where you want me to learn to trust you more or something like that...

i guess i miss nashville because it represents the people that have loved me unconditionally. i made my first real friends there. by real friends i'm talkin' people who would lay down their lives for me...i guess that's how i was able to understand God's love too...(thanks donald miller for helping me see that)..nashville's the place where i first got a glimpse of what it meant to be real. the hunger began there. "dying to my flesh"....nashville's where i first met up with that truth of the Bible....i guess i miss familiarity too. busyness helps me forget but at the end of the day, i'm alone. yeah God is present, i know, even while i type this, but i still miss.

man, i wish i was married by now. i want to have sex someday. was thinkin' about deleting what i just said but whatever. i'm just being honest...anyway, i want to share popcorn with my bestfriend. i want to go shopping with him. i want to make him coffee. i want to play scrabble with him. i wanna talk with him. where is he? i wish i knew. i'd take the first flight to see him, meet him, love him.

see, my heart's all over the place tonight. scattered.

Pet Peeves...ugh

before you read this blog, -i have to warn you- it's my most shallow post. yep. ok. go ahead. take it like a grain of salt or pepper....somethin' like that...

i'm just gonna use this blog post as my jar of pet peeves, drop'em in whenever they happen...

first one today so far: women who wear manly pants....why do women think it's cool to dress like men?? who said it was flattering?? feminine??? ties, suspenders, that's fine...but plain ugly boxy man pants? there is nooooo reason a women should dress like the next dockers ad for men.

ugh. why can't women just embrace being women???

i'm not even talkin' like get all mani-pedi girly and all but come on! be the girl, lady, woman you were born to be. no makeup, fine. then smile dangit! smiles do wonders for you.

is the relationship you're in something you can see ending up in marriage? if not, then lose those wrinkles girlfriend! seriously!!

i'm 30 and that's why i don't look 30. i look younger. not because of botox but because of choices combined with embracing being a woman...and the fact i have oily skin...

alright. didn't know how passionate i was about this, but this girl sitting across from me in starbucks is driving me nuts! boring grey man t-shirt, boring grey man pants, and ooh! cute sandals. that's it. she's saved by her gladiator-inspired silver sandals. whew. okay, that helps...BUT NOT ENOUGH!

dang. am i being mean here??? anyone out there feel me??? somebody! i wish someone would respond to my blogs.

oh yeah, facebook fast's going grrrreat! ....;-)

i vant to marry donald miller (tryin' to sound french)

there i said it. he's the reason for my blogging twice in one day!

i've been reading his book, "blue like jazz" and wow. i had forgotten how refreshing it was to be real. i realized "oh em gee, i forgot how to be real." but thanks to donny, i'm remembering.

i heart him.

i think every girl who's read any of his books has at some point developed a crush on mr. miller. it's like having a crush on your teacher back in elementary school...and daydreaming about being the teacher's pet...for me it'd be daydreaming about someday crossing paths with donald miller and we end up talking forever...you know, being real and all, and we fall in love and it's the most real love between 2 people....i hope i meet my donald miller soon...

oh and look at his picture up there! for an older guy, not too shabby, huh? hottie!

hmmm...."leslie miller." how does that sound??

yeah, not so much...

oh well...it was worth dreaming....hoping...

Microphone Mine!

i hate sharing a microphone. even when i was a kid, i usually had the lead role and my own microphone. it was always annoying to have to share a mic. with 2-3 other girls to sing a song as a transition took place during the play...we'd all try to squeeze together competing to be heard the loudest on the microphone...thussss, i preferred singing solos because i could stay on key and i'm sorry but not all kids sound cute singing...like those other little girls singing with me (clearly with no musical upbringing other than our crazy pentecostal praise/worship on sundays...just sayin') were so tone-deaf....i'd fade out, slowly backing off the mic. so i wouldn't be mistaken for the one that went off-key that threw the whole group off-key...you'd think a kid wouldn't care so much about going off-key but i did because of my family's musical background. ok i sound mean and cocky now...great....

weird but singing didn't become a passion of mine (although i do love to sing); speaking into the microphone was more my thing....something about holding that microphone all to myself...and what that piece of metal with plastic did for my voice-it was uhhhmazing. my voice sounded clear and pure and loud so everybody could hear me. i loved to be heard by more than just one person and that microphone guaranteed me a higher chance of that.

wow. i was born self-centered. what kind of God would do such a thing?? maybe that's just all part of God's divine plan for my destiny. him preparing the way for what i'm passionate about doing today. yeah, the whole radio thing.

so now at 30, i'm in a situation where i have to share a microphone with somebody else. it'd be one thing if it were with somebody i know really well. if it were a close friend, it would be great because we could just pick up from each other's cues...well i share a microphone with somebody i don't know very much. honestly we're an odd combo. i think. we both get our own microphone but sharing the stage and speaking space is just the same thing. i feel weird because i don't know when to say something or not due to not really knowing the other person. so sadly i just fade into the background and it's just not that fun for me...but hey, who said life was supposed to be all about what makes leslie more comfortable? nobodaaaay. right. this is the part where i sigh, sigh sigh.

so i just throw all my tantrums in the privacy of my car, my place. why does God do these things? i hate it. i do. maybe it's God tryin' to discipline me. what kid loves to be disciplined? i know i'm not a kid anymore but to God i think we're all kids. we don't think like he does no matter how deep and spiritual we think we are. he even gave us the disclaimer or something like that in isaiah 50-somethin'...he said his ways, thoughts were higher than ours.

i believe he's right.

so okay. this is where God has me. alright. for some reason he thinks this is what needs to happen in my life. i need to experience the whole sharing of the microphone thing. i need to practice not opening my mouth. but i was made to speak. i looooove it the most when i can speak real to people. whether it's at starbucks while handling a customer or even on the radio...or just with friends. there's just something sooo refreshing about being real. that's my goal in life i guess.

i love real blogging too. i hope it's reflected.

my first

had my first corona tonight. even learned how to put the lime in! did i like it? the taste wasn't so bad...hints of apple and lime and beer mixed together. everything in moderation. [sidebar: if you're one of the middle school kids i help lead at church, i am 30 years old, so don't even go there.] mmmhmmm....

k, back to blogging...oh, my first corona, courtesy of my mentor, rhonda. she treated me to a yummy mexican dinner at chipotle (burrito bowl baby!) and we spent a whole 3 hours chatting about God and life. i think it's plain rich when you get to just expose your inner self to people. not every person can handle that kind of exposure. lots of people would rather see someone streak than someone be vulnerable and transparent. i say the best kinds of friendships are the ones where you're free to expose your inner self to one another. real love casts out all fear.

um anyway, aside sipping my first corona, another first i had was a pedicure! it was something i think would've been way more enjoyable if i didn't have so many mosquito bites all over my feet to begin with...not to mention, i had been itching so badly that i scratched some bites open and so that salt water was stinging like crazy!
something else i did for the first time this year was meet amy grant! just had to document this moment...i didn't like the picture taken of me with her but this is still what she looks like except hair not as long...

i know this shouldn't be such a big deal considering i got to meet lots of other celeb-like people when i lived in nashville but come on, this is amy grant! i guess i feel more of a connection with her because i grew up on a lot of music...i told her that too.
facebook fast is going well. lots of time to do other stuff. like....blog...sleep...eat....work.....read..pray. the end for now...

Day 7

learning that trust means holding on to God's word and not the praises of man. everything earthly withers away so it's pointless to even desire praises from others and it's silly to base my value on the amount of praise showered on me. it's not gonna satisfy me. but man it sure feels good to hear somebody tell me i'm awesome or that i did a great job at somethin'...still, truth is secure and where my my hope needs to be. God's our silent cheerleader...sorta....wish He'd speak up...just sayin'....anyway, i need to just do what's set before me and God does the rest....like the behind the scenes type of stuff...

and then this donald miller guy...he's got me thinking too...

not beating myself up here but man i really am a selfish person still. even when i want to do good (sounds like romans 7 but that's not where i wanna go with this) and think i'm thinking of others before myself, it's still self-seeking because i wanna be like Jesus. i'm doing it to be like jesus, not because i love Him or love the person more than myself...crazaaay...i wanna friggin' win this race!! like, i just wish things could be back to how it was before the fall of man...me, no struggles, no conflicts....bahhh...

so yeah day 7, not too shabby. facebook, kiss my bootay! me and God can go on without u~!...well 'til the end of may and then we can whip up some balance with this ish.

Facebook Fast Day 6

so i realized i've given sooo much time to facebook and twitter....they've become idols i worship before God. so it's time to take a break. i'll blog how it's going once in a while....oh and this break is for a month. oh h....

it's weird not going straight to facebook when i wake up [IDOL ALERT] or get home from work...or even while at work. i've been more productive at work....started to read a book (blue like jazz by donald miller) in my spare time instead of facebooking. instead of venting online i've been venting to God. it's been pretty interesting so far.

talking to God i feel so exposed and like there's nothing i can hide nor want to. He's not waiting to whip me with some leash if i say something unpleasing to Him. it's a big journey of trust i'm on. trusting that even though i'm not "in the know" like i feel i am when i'm on facebook, God's got my best in mind. i'm not missing out on stuff. "what you don't got you don't need it now"-well said in u2's beautiful day song...it just came to mind...

i feel like i can hear God a bit more....here's His dealio: He wants to open up the can of hope in everybody. the problem isn't so much in that fact lots of people don't have hope, it's where we place our hope on that screws us up.

like today i was at winn dixie, this grocery store in florida, and an old man before me in the checkout line was buying lottery tickets. i thought, "he must have high hopes that out of every dollar he spends weekly on the lottery, one day he'll score the winning ticket...that's a really high hope...on a piece of paper."

i think it's safe to say there's a right hope and his name is JEsus. foreal. He's where our hope needs to be on. the hope that never lets you down.