ha...this title makes me smile...
so my crush list is down to zero once again.
feels good.
i'm not here for hanky-panky man!
lol..
so yeah. my love-life is me learning how to love people the way Jesus loved/loves me.
fin.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Vomit
it's what needs to come out from being inside...
stuff you feed yourself that isn't good for you ends up becoming...
vomit.
when was the last time you had to vomit?
mine was on Christmas Day 2008.
i wonder if it symbolizes anything...
all i know is that when you know there's no other way to feel better than to vomit, it's the worst feeling looking into that toilet bowl.
your skin is somewhere between pale yellow and white. your lips are sorta greyish lilac...your veins feel shaky with every move you make...your breathing gets heavier and heavier...
it's like confrontation with the worst monster ever.
this is what it's like when you're forced to be honest with yourself.
lately there's a thought that's been echoing in my head and after recently going back through my old journals, i noticed that this particular thought was floating all over my mind years ago...
so what's the thought?
feeling left out.
it's odd because most of the time i'm in a crowd and i love people interaction. it's like a pulse for me. i was made to be with people.
yet there's a battle of the mind and heart that tugs inside me.
years ago my eyes were opened to the truth about basing your identity in Christ than in other things. it was killer! i was mad and thrilled at the same time! mad because no one teaches you this when you become a Christian and thrilled because God's word started to make some sense to me.
so fast-forward to today. struggle still in tact but not with as much force. how do i know? because it makes me feel important to think of having a better job or a better style or a better purse or a better anything tangible. but if i don't have those things, i don't feel important and it makes me feel upset, inferior, anything not happy. wow. this is nasty truth comin' straight out.
i feel like no one takes me seriously. then there's God.
today on my break from work i was fighting this thought that kept flopping it's way into my heart...
at first i thought i was mad at an individual who made a comment that triggered the thought:
i'm only here to make coffee. i'm just the coffee girl and nothing more. it's who i am.
ouch. what's wrong with being a coffee girl? well, i don't know about you but i haven't heard of any baristas makin it big on the latest issue of forbes. nor have i heard kids say "when i grow up i wanna be a barista.." where's the respect?
anyway, back to my break...as i was battling this i kept asking God to just plain help me. Jesus help me. there's gotta be something i'm missing here...and there was but man i had to press through....and maybe i was physically too weak to fight so i put my head down to lightly nap...started to feel better....
so then i woke up and the thought was still there...so then right before my break was over i opened up to galatians 6:4-10 and there was something in there that really hit the spot for me...
see, i know that i'm learning more and more how to be a servant while working at starbucks but i guess i wish it was something else...but then God reminded me that who i am is not a dj, not a barista, not a whatever, but a child of God, King. it doesn't matter if nobody wants to take me seriously. what matters is that i'm obedient to the Father. Love, Love, Love.
Love. God is. His love makes me wanna vomit. Actually, in order to let His love in, i have to vomit out all the assumptions, misconceptions, offenses and unforgiveness so love can live. be active.
so the next time you see me, please see me as God sees me, His. oh yes, i too gotta practice what i preach...but before that, excuse me, i gotta v....
cheesy ending.
stuff you feed yourself that isn't good for you ends up becoming...
vomit.
when was the last time you had to vomit?
mine was on Christmas Day 2008.
i wonder if it symbolizes anything...
all i know is that when you know there's no other way to feel better than to vomit, it's the worst feeling looking into that toilet bowl.
your skin is somewhere between pale yellow and white. your lips are sorta greyish lilac...your veins feel shaky with every move you make...your breathing gets heavier and heavier...
it's like confrontation with the worst monster ever.
this is what it's like when you're forced to be honest with yourself.
lately there's a thought that's been echoing in my head and after recently going back through my old journals, i noticed that this particular thought was floating all over my mind years ago...
so what's the thought?
feeling left out.
it's odd because most of the time i'm in a crowd and i love people interaction. it's like a pulse for me. i was made to be with people.
yet there's a battle of the mind and heart that tugs inside me.
years ago my eyes were opened to the truth about basing your identity in Christ than in other things. it was killer! i was mad and thrilled at the same time! mad because no one teaches you this when you become a Christian and thrilled because God's word started to make some sense to me.
so fast-forward to today. struggle still in tact but not with as much force. how do i know? because it makes me feel important to think of having a better job or a better style or a better purse or a better anything tangible. but if i don't have those things, i don't feel important and it makes me feel upset, inferior, anything not happy. wow. this is nasty truth comin' straight out.
i feel like no one takes me seriously. then there's God.
today on my break from work i was fighting this thought that kept flopping it's way into my heart...
at first i thought i was mad at an individual who made a comment that triggered the thought:
i'm only here to make coffee. i'm just the coffee girl and nothing more. it's who i am.
ouch. what's wrong with being a coffee girl? well, i don't know about you but i haven't heard of any baristas makin it big on the latest issue of forbes. nor have i heard kids say "when i grow up i wanna be a barista.." where's the respect?
anyway, back to my break...as i was battling this i kept asking God to just plain help me. Jesus help me. there's gotta be something i'm missing here...and there was but man i had to press through....and maybe i was physically too weak to fight so i put my head down to lightly nap...started to feel better....
so then i woke up and the thought was still there...so then right before my break was over i opened up to galatians 6:4-10 and there was something in there that really hit the spot for me...
see, i know that i'm learning more and more how to be a servant while working at starbucks but i guess i wish it was something else...but then God reminded me that who i am is not a dj, not a barista, not a whatever, but a child of God, King. it doesn't matter if nobody wants to take me seriously. what matters is that i'm obedient to the Father. Love, Love, Love.
Love. God is. His love makes me wanna vomit. Actually, in order to let His love in, i have to vomit out all the assumptions, misconceptions, offenses and unforgiveness so love can live. be active.
so the next time you see me, please see me as God sees me, His. oh yes, i too gotta practice what i preach...but before that, excuse me, i gotta v....
cheesy ending.
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