Porch blog

gotta sit on out on the porch on days like these. man, it's so nice out. it's like the constant breezes are constant kisses all over my face! i don't like my hair gettin' flipped inside out but it's worth it for those..."kisses."

the clouds are sitting still this afternoon. they're almost cartoon shapes of themselves. cumulus with just the right fluff under a sheet of business shirt blue. that's the sky today.

i'm still on this journey to wellness. weight watchers has been a good vehicle for me to get there. i'm no longer blind to what i put into my body. if this is what self-control feels like, i like it. my butt doesn't get stuck in between the arm-rests of my friend's rocking chair anymore. it's like not waking up from the coolest dream ever.

trusting in God over the circumstances of each day is my somewhere over the rainbow. when i'm able to be steadfast, it's like a pot of gold. this requires discipline to devotion. i'm slowly gettin' it. i'm so glad God knows me inside out and the stuff that terrifies me about me is nothin' on His radar. i mean, what God sees is more than what any of us could see up in an airplane (and you know when you look out the window of an airplane, you can see a lot). He sees the completion, the whole me in Christ. in Christ. the new creation. i've been ruined for the good. knowing the fact that i was made for this is why quitting never really is an option. it could be a thought but that's as far as it'll get. how do you know that what you're doing is what you're made to do? no matter how much work you put into it, it just never seems like enough and there's a desire always driving you to do it better. you'll search for whatever it takes to help you do it well. and it ticks you off when you sell yourself short. ah, the passion. :-)

you're my witness. God is faithful. i have hope that at the perfect time, i'll be a mid-day jock for a great radio station and i'll do it well. and when it gets tough, which should be expected, God's strength is my assurance. don't know how else to explain it.

UNearthly...

if you've read any of my blogs, you know i struggle with a plethora of insecurities...i practically compare myself to anything that breathes...people who are insecure are self-centered. that's me. horrible disease really. i eventually care more about what others think of me and so i base my value on those opionions/responses/relationships. life sucks when i base my value on earthly things. doesn't work. got so self-centered that i pretty much ignored the fact i know a living God. God. THE God. Him. The creator of the friggin' universe. yeah and He knows everything...instead i let my feelings dictate. starts off gradually and then before you know it, you're basing every thought and decision on feelings. sounds absurd but praying didn't even occur to me as an option.

started facebooking a friend with this stuff....her sharing about personal struggles in life really helped make getting back on track with God accessible again.

so this past wednesday, before i went to work, i decided to pray...can't remember all i said but i know that my prayer was real...nothin' fancy but my heart. i knew i needed God to help me through the day...plus, i don't know what it is but anytime i've made time for God, the day is rough and before i knew it, at work, i started to feel the pressure...that feeling i get from thoughts: "you're not worthy, you're not good enough and they all know it and you know it." ouch. started to dwell more on this thought and it was sucking joy out quick. typically i've made the habit of just dwelling on those thoughts and then take it out on anybody around. pretty much hating life at those moments....

thought about my options, well only 1 option...like maybe God was trying to ween me out of this life-sucking cycle...so i decided to step out in faith. i walked out of the building and took a walk to a nearby pond. there i pryed open my heart and thoughts to God. told him what i was struggling with. jealousy and fear of rejection go hand in hand....i was hurting and about to break....so i did...outside....me and God. hashing it out. i told God i didn't know how the heck i was gonna do this. i've been so unfaithful in the sense of, i've put my whole trust in the opinions of others than the truth. so all this to say, i had a good talk with God about everything going on...God says my value's not based on anything earthly. then i told God about how i was worried maybe i'm too messed up to overcome all this and that maybe i won't be successful in radio...then God's humor kicked in, "you were even more messed up earlier in life and I still brought you here." and it's true. being on the radio is my dream that's coming true one day at a time.

i'm onto a real start with God again. i asked for strength and realized i can't do this radio stuff on my own at all. it just won't work. i NEED God. I need alone time with God. it's not some form of legalism. breathing because i need to live isn't being legalistic. it's a need. it's more than a need. it's vital. if i don't breathe, i will die. God is this. i can't live without God or i will die. the dreams will die. the passion will die. i'm created to glorify Him. everything is made by him for him.

i love that switchfoot song, "learning to breathe," because it's so true. i guess i'm learning that God is life. so on this good friday i'm thankful that God gave up his only son He had so i could have a chance at knowing what hope, grace, love and redemption are. HE paid an unearthly price for me. cute blog, eh? nope, i'm not canadian i just like sayin' "eh?" :-)