okay.
i had one of the most intense days ever yesterday.
something's happening in my heart lately.
ever since i turned 30 i know it sounds weird but there was a shift in my heart...
my whole life, i've been the center of attention. i mean, i was the 5th born child to an almost-perfect family of 4 of 2 boys and 2 girls.
for almost my whole life i've defined myself with the attention i'm able to obtain from others. honestly, i've always attracted people ever since i was a kid and i didn't know why. my earliest memories of this are sundays at church and people coming to pinch my cheeks. back then i was cute. then i grew up. my teenage years are a blur to me. i don't know what kind of personality i had but i know that those years weren't my favorite.
fast forward to the age of 20. it was during my college years that God began opening my spiritual eyes...about my perception of Him and about myself...from 20 to 30, it's been a decade of healing, restoration and now more healing...
i didn't think i still needed healing. wow. yesterday is a testament of the fact that this process is so not over.
i felt so insecure. it was awful and there was nobody that could say anything to change how i felt. all i know was that my heart was throbbing.
so when i got home, i let it all out. i cried my heart out to Father-God like an infant crying for momma or dadda....you know, that gut cry and ever so often the spurts of more crying...that was me last night.
my heart was broken.
broken because i had fallen for the lie that if i'm not always the center of attention then something is wrong with me. i was so embarassed at myself. so so so embarassed.
so here's the downlow:
whether i have 1 or 5 people around me, that doesn't define who i am.
my identity is in Christ.
and then i started to see myself on that cross with Christ.
Him holding me while i broke.
we both died so that we could be united forever.
and even though i felt so rejected and like a failure for not holding up, God let me know i wasn't alone because i am in Christ and He's in me. i cry, He cries.
so somewhere during my sob-fest i fell asleep and woke up to the sweet lullaby of pouring rain...
and i walked out to my porch to find a beautiful rainbow.
God's covenant to me. He will always be committed to me no matter what.
see, because we-Christ and i-died on the cross together, we resurrected to new life together too.
that, my friend, is hope and the good truth is that He'll never ever leave me alone.
i've been reading "the normal christian life" by watchman nee...this is where i'm at...
it's good to be broken. it's good to be sober-minded.
it's good to blog for more than 10 minutes...
yikes. it's been 34 minutes....
but i had to let you know about the beginning of another breakthrough.
i'm only a branch, not the root.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wide Awake!
it's currently 1:16 a.m. and i'm so awake! literally and spiritually! woah! this is cool.
i should seriously go wash my dirty hair that's been bathed by the salty gulf breeze and sand but i just want to get these thoughts out before...
God You're so good.
okay so lately i'm testing my relationship with God. pushing through the uncomfortable questions and confessions with Truth. it's like jabbing whatever's in my way with a sword. kah! kah! hi-yah! that's what's in my head.
i love the church God used to show me the blueprint of what He intended for me. it happened in good old tennessee and i guess that's why i hold tn so dear to my heart. that's where i made my first real friends there. real friends like the ones that are described in the Bible...like Jonathan, Aquila and Priscilla, timothy and all those proverbs...
that said, i'm not in that environment anymore. i live in florida and the people here are different. i smile, their eyebrows cave to the center...i say hi, they look and maybe make some eye contact, but that's it. i'm beginning to love florida. when i first moved here in october of last year, i saw florida as my enemy even though it was really gift. you've probably heard the phrase, "don't judge a book by it's cover," and it's so true. i did that and still struggle doing that with florida. so it's hot. big deal. it's beautiful!
people of all sizes and ages wear bikinis and speedos here! it's amazing! although i could go without seeing old men in speedos but oh well, it's done. lol the opportunity i've been given by being here has far outweighed all my crying and missing my friends times....it's not easy but it's soooo rewarding! i'm learning and honing the little by little goodness that's blossoming with practice. radio is something i'm sooo glad God's made me to do.
sometimes i get sidetracked on thoughts about me being too old or slow but God is so good and attentive to my needs. His hand has never left me. people could make fun of me and all those times i cried behind closed doors, He cried with me. God is my lifesaver. Jesus. the whole existence of my hope is in Him. Resurrection=hope.
so i want to share that with the world. let my big mouth proclaim hope to all! let my silence proclaim hope to all! let the trees, the waters, the storms, the trials proclaim hope! that's pretty much what i want my life to reflect. that God is our hope. He is Hope. the real thing. it's because of hope that i can smile and laugh really hard...i love God's love.
i should seriously go wash my dirty hair that's been bathed by the salty gulf breeze and sand but i just want to get these thoughts out before...
God You're so good.
okay so lately i'm testing my relationship with God. pushing through the uncomfortable questions and confessions with Truth. it's like jabbing whatever's in my way with a sword. kah! kah! hi-yah! that's what's in my head.
i love the church God used to show me the blueprint of what He intended for me. it happened in good old tennessee and i guess that's why i hold tn so dear to my heart. that's where i made my first real friends there. real friends like the ones that are described in the Bible...like Jonathan, Aquila and Priscilla, timothy and all those proverbs...
that said, i'm not in that environment anymore. i live in florida and the people here are different. i smile, their eyebrows cave to the center...i say hi, they look and maybe make some eye contact, but that's it. i'm beginning to love florida. when i first moved here in october of last year, i saw florida as my enemy even though it was really gift. you've probably heard the phrase, "don't judge a book by it's cover," and it's so true. i did that and still struggle doing that with florida. so it's hot. big deal. it's beautiful!
people of all sizes and ages wear bikinis and speedos here! it's amazing! although i could go without seeing old men in speedos but oh well, it's done. lol the opportunity i've been given by being here has far outweighed all my crying and missing my friends times....it's not easy but it's soooo rewarding! i'm learning and honing the little by little goodness that's blossoming with practice. radio is something i'm sooo glad God's made me to do.
sometimes i get sidetracked on thoughts about me being too old or slow but God is so good and attentive to my needs. His hand has never left me. people could make fun of me and all those times i cried behind closed doors, He cried with me. God is my lifesaver. Jesus. the whole existence of my hope is in Him. Resurrection=hope.
so i want to share that with the world. let my big mouth proclaim hope to all! let my silence proclaim hope to all! let the trees, the waters, the storms, the trials proclaim hope! that's pretty much what i want my life to reflect. that God is our hope. He is Hope. the real thing. it's because of hope that i can smile and laugh really hard...i love God's love.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Death Row
3 famous people died this week.
ed mcmahon
farah fawcet
michael jackson
sad.
no matter who it is, i hate it when people die.
ed mcmahon
farah fawcet
michael jackson
sad.
no matter who it is, i hate it when people die.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Tired
man...
i still can't get it right.
it's a heart thing.
how God continues to love us is uncanny to me...
and i'm sure it's how a lot of people feel.
okay, so last night i tweeted that i think it takes more than just 21 days to create a new habit. the reason why i think that is because it was about 7 years ago when i realized that reading the Word was to hear from God. i would venture that way but never stayed consistant.
because of my inconsistancy, i think something is not right inside. well, if i truly understood what Jesus did, then don't you think i'd passionately pursue Him? i wonder if maybe the reason why Jesus is not a surprise to me is because i was born and raised in church. i heard about Jesus way back when i couldn't even read yet. for the first 20 years of my life, i heard about Jesus every sunday. it was routine. religious.
it's when i think back about how Jesus rescued me out of darkness that this passion really sinks into me inch by inch. those times when i thought i wasn't good enough and that the world would be better off without me. i thought i would never be good enough for God to use me to impact masses. i remember watching a commercial on tbn about this ministry called teen mania. on this commercial there were different teens out in poverty stricken countries dressed as clowns trying to bring joy to the kids that lived there. it brought me to tears..."you have to be perfect to be used like that," is what i thought.
15 years later, i'm glad to say i've been on 4 mission trips. 2 of them were in my mom's homeland of guatemala and the other 2 in jacmel, haiti. crazy. anyway, thinking about those times is when the eyes of my heart really see who God is; He's real.
today i still struggle to maintain my relationship God. being still, quiet, thinking of others instead of myself-all those things don't come naturally to me. i get easily distracted by myself. my flesh. what it wants, feels....i can't remember the first time i read God's word and i understood it. but i know it happened.
so what's stopping me today? my fear that if i surrender every single area...it's gonna be too hard. when stuff is too hard, i get unhappy. but i've met people who are totally surrendered to God and they're refreshing people to know. do i want to be like that? yes and no. the "no" i said because when you really want something, you'll do whatever it takes, right?
well, these are some thoughts....feel free to drop me a note. xo
i still can't get it right.
it's a heart thing.
how God continues to love us is uncanny to me...
and i'm sure it's how a lot of people feel.
okay, so last night i tweeted that i think it takes more than just 21 days to create a new habit. the reason why i think that is because it was about 7 years ago when i realized that reading the Word was to hear from God. i would venture that way but never stayed consistant.
because of my inconsistancy, i think something is not right inside. well, if i truly understood what Jesus did, then don't you think i'd passionately pursue Him? i wonder if maybe the reason why Jesus is not a surprise to me is because i was born and raised in church. i heard about Jesus way back when i couldn't even read yet. for the first 20 years of my life, i heard about Jesus every sunday. it was routine. religious.
it's when i think back about how Jesus rescued me out of darkness that this passion really sinks into me inch by inch. those times when i thought i wasn't good enough and that the world would be better off without me. i thought i would never be good enough for God to use me to impact masses. i remember watching a commercial on tbn about this ministry called teen mania. on this commercial there were different teens out in poverty stricken countries dressed as clowns trying to bring joy to the kids that lived there. it brought me to tears..."you have to be perfect to be used like that," is what i thought.
15 years later, i'm glad to say i've been on 4 mission trips. 2 of them were in my mom's homeland of guatemala and the other 2 in jacmel, haiti. crazy. anyway, thinking about those times is when the eyes of my heart really see who God is; He's real.
today i still struggle to maintain my relationship God. being still, quiet, thinking of others instead of myself-all those things don't come naturally to me. i get easily distracted by myself. my flesh. what it wants, feels....i can't remember the first time i read God's word and i understood it. but i know it happened.
so what's stopping me today? my fear that if i surrender every single area...it's gonna be too hard. when stuff is too hard, i get unhappy. but i've met people who are totally surrendered to God and they're refreshing people to know. do i want to be like that? yes and no. the "no" i said because when you really want something, you'll do whatever it takes, right?
well, these are some thoughts....feel free to drop me a note. xo
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Fresh off my cold fingertips...
howdy my 2 readers! megan and natasha! lol
this is one of those blogs without purpose on my end other than i just feel like typing out what's going on inside my head...
okay, so since moving to florida i've been really testing what i've been taught to believe. i discovered that my relationship with God wasn't strong enough but His mercy is and well, He is and so that's how i'm here. when i lived in franklin, tn, i had all my peeps to chill with and we'd talk about God stuff but on my own with God is where the weakness is.
why do i put God off when it's just us? am i afraid? maybe. i know the things that seem in the way... and because i can't push'em away, i automatically assume i can't pursue God...because isn't God all or nothing? hmmm....i'll chime in some more later...gotta get to work..
okay..i'm back...
so yeah, isn't God all or nothing? like in Joel 2, He expresses He wants an exclusive relationship and for us to repent...
so when you don't lay things down, why would God be pleased with just your struggle to lay things down? i mean, deep down, you know you want to quit smoking or eating bad stuff...or you should exercise more...
then there's egypt...God totally put up with their shtuff...man, and they totally screwed God when moses went up the mountain to get the commandments...but God still had shreds of mercy left for them. why??!
i don't get it. i don't understand. it's humbling too because i can't praise God on the basis of the fact i've been consistently seeking Him, readin' my bible, doing what is right...the basis on which i love to sing to God and thank Him is because He's taken me in with all the baggage. i'm not deliberately sinning although sometimes i do but anyway...i guess it all goes back to the blood of Jesus. it's what God accepts us through. i wasn't even around when Jesus shed his blood, so i had no hand in this pardon...but for some reason i can't accept it. how screwed up is that?? God, THE one living God of this universe accepts the blood of His son for us and yet i'm here, "hmmm...are YOU sure Your son's blood is enough??"
grrr....God help me with my unbelief. this is a tougher issue than i thought. funny thing is God still chooses to use me. whaaa???
anyway, i need clarity. i don't want to take advantage of God's love, mercy and grace...
this is one of those blogs without purpose on my end other than i just feel like typing out what's going on inside my head...
okay, so since moving to florida i've been really testing what i've been taught to believe. i discovered that my relationship with God wasn't strong enough but His mercy is and well, He is and so that's how i'm here. when i lived in franklin, tn, i had all my peeps to chill with and we'd talk about God stuff but on my own with God is where the weakness is.
why do i put God off when it's just us? am i afraid? maybe. i know the things that seem in the way... and because i can't push'em away, i automatically assume i can't pursue God...because isn't God all or nothing? hmmm....i'll chime in some more later...gotta get to work..
okay..i'm back...
so yeah, isn't God all or nothing? like in Joel 2, He expresses He wants an exclusive relationship and for us to repent...
so when you don't lay things down, why would God be pleased with just your struggle to lay things down? i mean, deep down, you know you want to quit smoking or eating bad stuff...or you should exercise more...
then there's egypt...God totally put up with their shtuff...man, and they totally screwed God when moses went up the mountain to get the commandments...but God still had shreds of mercy left for them. why??!
i don't get it. i don't understand. it's humbling too because i can't praise God on the basis of the fact i've been consistently seeking Him, readin' my bible, doing what is right...the basis on which i love to sing to God and thank Him is because He's taken me in with all the baggage. i'm not deliberately sinning although sometimes i do but anyway...i guess it all goes back to the blood of Jesus. it's what God accepts us through. i wasn't even around when Jesus shed his blood, so i had no hand in this pardon...but for some reason i can't accept it. how screwed up is that?? God, THE one living God of this universe accepts the blood of His son for us and yet i'm here, "hmmm...are YOU sure Your son's blood is enough??"
grrr....God help me with my unbelief. this is a tougher issue than i thought. funny thing is God still chooses to use me. whaaa???
anyway, i need clarity. i don't want to take advantage of God's love, mercy and grace...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Perfect God for me
God is so good. It sounds so cliche but It's all I get to learn more and more about in life.
His love is like skin. it's everywhere on you.
have you ever heard of "writer's block"? well, i sort of have been going through something similar, only it's not in my writing. it's in my seeking.
"seeker's block." yeah, for the past 7 months it's been such a hard thing to do, to seek the Lord. i even feel funny calling Him "Lord" because i know i haven't been allowing God to be Lord of everything. just some things.
seeking God has become something extra or even optional instead of something vital and essential.
oh man. my biggest fear has been to fall away. even though in my heart of hearts i know that we will never separate, i fear the numbness that results from disobedience. whenever we don't do what we know is right, there it lies. i can't ignore it anymore.
so i've felt pretty scummy. off and on. but not really repentant. so anyway, i don't like it. i don't like the downward spiral....so last night i was thinking about all this...
have you ever been sooo thirsty that no matter how much liquid you drink, if it's not water, your thirst isn't quenched and when you finally get a bottle of water, you open it up sooo quickly and your fingers are trippy and fumbling and then you finally get the bottle open and you rush the bottle up to your mouth taking in the biggest gulps not caring that some of the water drips down your chin....it's good and it's what your body needs to fight dehydration.
okay so that's what i experienced with God's word...i needed to hear from God immediately and i needed to know if God was sick of me yet. seriously, i know you're probably thinking "doesn't she know about the end of romans 8" but man, with my horrible unfaithfulness and lack of devotion, i just needed to be reassured that God is still at work in me. am i gonna let the devil keep lulling me with apathy? oh HELLLL NO! i say this knowing that i'm still responsible for my disobedience...my choices.
so i opened up the Bible and straight to 1 Timothy i drank...man, i drank....truth is soooo quenching....like, seriously, paul encouraged me. i'm not the worst sinner and God's here for the long haul. so much was said in the first chapter...i wish i could tell you what God underlined but i can't remember it right now...i know, i know, it's like one of those awesome sermons where you take notes because you know you have to go back and review it so it really sinks...so the next blog i'll post this juicy truth on here for ya. drinks on me everyone! cheers!
anyway, this morning i woke up and still with the peace and comfort i received from reading 1 timothy...so i know my relationship with God needs maintanance. i'm ready. today's message at church was sooo right on for me. my relationship with God affects everything.
so happy mother's day after. thank You God for being all You say You are. Perfect for me. awwwwww... :)
His love is like skin. it's everywhere on you.
have you ever heard of "writer's block"? well, i sort of have been going through something similar, only it's not in my writing. it's in my seeking.
"seeker's block." yeah, for the past 7 months it's been such a hard thing to do, to seek the Lord. i even feel funny calling Him "Lord" because i know i haven't been allowing God to be Lord of everything. just some things.
seeking God has become something extra or even optional instead of something vital and essential.
oh man. my biggest fear has been to fall away. even though in my heart of hearts i know that we will never separate, i fear the numbness that results from disobedience. whenever we don't do what we know is right, there it lies. i can't ignore it anymore.
so i've felt pretty scummy. off and on. but not really repentant. so anyway, i don't like it. i don't like the downward spiral....so last night i was thinking about all this...
have you ever been sooo thirsty that no matter how much liquid you drink, if it's not water, your thirst isn't quenched and when you finally get a bottle of water, you open it up sooo quickly and your fingers are trippy and fumbling and then you finally get the bottle open and you rush the bottle up to your mouth taking in the biggest gulps not caring that some of the water drips down your chin....it's good and it's what your body needs to fight dehydration.
okay so that's what i experienced with God's word...i needed to hear from God immediately and i needed to know if God was sick of me yet. seriously, i know you're probably thinking "doesn't she know about the end of romans 8" but man, with my horrible unfaithfulness and lack of devotion, i just needed to be reassured that God is still at work in me. am i gonna let the devil keep lulling me with apathy? oh HELLLL NO! i say this knowing that i'm still responsible for my disobedience...my choices.
so i opened up the Bible and straight to 1 Timothy i drank...man, i drank....truth is soooo quenching....like, seriously, paul encouraged me. i'm not the worst sinner and God's here for the long haul. so much was said in the first chapter...i wish i could tell you what God underlined but i can't remember it right now...i know, i know, it's like one of those awesome sermons where you take notes because you know you have to go back and review it so it really sinks...so the next blog i'll post this juicy truth on here for ya. drinks on me everyone! cheers!
anyway, this morning i woke up and still with the peace and comfort i received from reading 1 timothy...so i know my relationship with God needs maintanance. i'm ready. today's message at church was sooo right on for me. my relationship with God affects everything.
so happy mother's day after. thank You God for being all You say You are. Perfect for me. awwwwww... :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)