Fresh off my cold fingertips...

howdy my 2 readers! megan and natasha! lol

this is one of those blogs without purpose on my end other than i just feel like typing out what's going on inside my head...

okay, so since moving to florida i've been really testing what i've been taught to believe. i discovered that my relationship with God wasn't strong enough but His mercy is and well, He is and so that's how i'm here. when i lived in franklin, tn, i had all my peeps to chill with and we'd talk about God stuff but on my own with God is where the weakness is.

why do i put God off when it's just us? am i afraid? maybe. i know the things that seem in the way... and because i can't push'em away, i automatically assume i can't pursue God...because isn't God all or nothing? hmmm....i'll chime in some more later...gotta get to work..

okay..i'm back...

so yeah, isn't God all or nothing? like in Joel 2, He expresses He wants an exclusive relationship and for us to repent...

so when you don't lay things down, why would God be pleased with just your struggle to lay things down? i mean, deep down, you know you want to quit smoking or eating bad stuff...or you should exercise more...

then there's egypt...God totally put up with their shtuff...man, and they totally screwed God when moses went up the mountain to get the commandments...but God still had shreds of mercy left for them. why??!

i don't get it. i don't understand. it's humbling too because i can't praise God on the basis of the fact i've been consistently seeking Him, readin' my bible, doing what is right...the basis on which i love to sing to God and thank Him is because He's taken me in with all the baggage. i'm not deliberately sinning although sometimes i do but anyway...i guess it all goes back to the blood of Jesus. it's what God accepts us through. i wasn't even around when Jesus shed his blood, so i had no hand in this pardon...but for some reason i can't accept it. how screwed up is that?? God, THE one living God of this universe accepts the blood of His son for us and yet i'm here, "hmmm...are YOU sure Your son's blood is enough??"

grrr....God help me with my unbelief. this is a tougher issue than i thought. funny thing is God still chooses to use me. whaaa???

anyway, i need clarity. i don't want to take advantage of God's love, mercy and grace...