Tired

man...

i still can't get it right.

it's a heart thing.


how God continues to love us is uncanny to me...

and i'm sure it's how a lot of people feel.

okay, so last night i tweeted that i think it takes more than just 21 days to create a new habit. the reason why i think that is because it was about 7 years ago when i realized that reading the Word was to hear from God. i would venture that way but never stayed consistant.

because of my inconsistancy, i think something is not right inside. well, if i truly understood what Jesus did, then don't you think i'd passionately pursue Him? i wonder if maybe the reason why Jesus is not a surprise to me is because i was born and raised in church. i heard about Jesus way back when i couldn't even read yet. for the first 20 years of my life, i heard about Jesus every sunday. it was routine. religious.

it's when i think back about how Jesus rescued me out of darkness that this passion really sinks into me inch by inch. those times when i thought i wasn't good enough and that the world would be better off without me. i thought i would never be good enough for God to use me to impact masses. i remember watching a commercial on tbn about this ministry called teen mania. on this commercial there were different teens out in poverty stricken countries dressed as clowns trying to bring joy to the kids that lived there. it brought me to tears..."you have to be perfect to be used like that," is what i thought.

15 years later, i'm glad to say i've been on 4 mission trips. 2 of them were in my mom's homeland of guatemala and the other 2 in jacmel, haiti. crazy. anyway, thinking about those times is when the eyes of my heart really see who God is; He's real.

today i still struggle to maintain my relationship God. being still, quiet, thinking of others instead of myself-all those things don't come naturally to me. i get easily distracted by myself. my flesh. what it wants, feels....i can't remember the first time i read God's word and i understood it. but i know it happened.

so what's stopping me today? my fear that if i surrender every single area...it's gonna be too hard. when stuff is too hard, i get unhappy. but i've met people who are totally surrendered to God and they're refreshing people to know. do i want to be like that? yes and no. the "no" i said because when you really want something, you'll do whatever it takes, right?

well, these are some thoughts....feel free to drop me a note. xo