just when i thought i was over missing my life in nashville...it hit me again.
by october i'll have been living in florida 2 whole years. 2 whole years of my life. sounds like a long time and why do i still miss nashville? my heart hurts.
out of all the people i've met so far. don't feel like anyone loves me the way my friends in nashville loved me. me, me, me....sound familiar? oh mercy. *sigh* i really did sigh.
i feel like i have to try extra hard here to be loved. rejection is a fear off and on. i have a married couple here that i'm friends with the most. they're the only people i have history with. sometimes i'm afraid they don't really love me how i want to be loved.
maybe i'm just thinking way too much or letting my emotions get the best of me tonight. just feels like i put so much into our friendship and just wanting to feel loved and sometimes it feels not the same on their end. this could just be the fact they have kids and their own agenda. i wish someone would bend over backwards to spend time with me (yep i've got issues). maybe they do and i just don't see it. all i see is my side of the story...maybe i'm putting way too much responsibility on their end...they don't have to love me...i should love them, expecting nothing in return. yep.
then there's Jesus. i know. he died a horrible death on the cross so we could hang. no pun intended. but he's still invisible. i hate how hard this is. God why do you have me here? i'm not talking just physically but spiritually? i feel lousy. i'm a horrible lover. i can't love like you. i've never had to put so much into being selfless like you. i suck at being selfless. it hurts me a lot and i'm always afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of. i think this is the part where you want me to learn to trust you more or something like that...
by october i'll have been living in florida 2 whole years. 2 whole years of my life. sounds like a long time and why do i still miss nashville? my heart hurts.
out of all the people i've met so far. don't feel like anyone loves me the way my friends in nashville loved me. me, me, me....sound familiar? oh mercy. *sigh* i really did sigh.
i feel like i have to try extra hard here to be loved. rejection is a fear off and on. i have a married couple here that i'm friends with the most. they're the only people i have history with. sometimes i'm afraid they don't really love me how i want to be loved.
maybe i'm just thinking way too much or letting my emotions get the best of me tonight. just feels like i put so much into our friendship and just wanting to feel loved and sometimes it feels not the same on their end. this could just be the fact they have kids and their own agenda. i wish someone would bend over backwards to spend time with me (yep i've got issues). maybe they do and i just don't see it. all i see is my side of the story...maybe i'm putting way too much responsibility on their end...they don't have to love me...i should love them, expecting nothing in return. yep.
then there's Jesus. i know. he died a horrible death on the cross so we could hang. no pun intended. but he's still invisible. i hate how hard this is. God why do you have me here? i'm not talking just physically but spiritually? i feel lousy. i'm a horrible lover. i can't love like you. i've never had to put so much into being selfless like you. i suck at being selfless. it hurts me a lot and i'm always afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of. i think this is the part where you want me to learn to trust you more or something like that...
i guess i miss nashville because it represents the people that have loved me unconditionally. i made my first real friends there. by real friends i'm talkin' people who would lay down their lives for me...i guess that's how i was able to understand God's love too...(thanks donald miller for helping me see that)..nashville's the place where i first got a glimpse of what it meant to be real. the hunger began there. "dying to my flesh"....nashville's where i first met up with that truth of the Bible....i guess i miss familiarity too. busyness helps me forget but at the end of the day, i'm alone. yeah God is present, i know, even while i type this, but i still miss.
man, i wish i was married by now. i want to have sex someday. was thinkin' about deleting what i just said but whatever. i'm just being honest...anyway, i want to share popcorn with my bestfriend. i want to go shopping with him. i want to make him coffee. i want to play scrabble with him. i wanna talk with him. where is he? i wish i knew. i'd take the first flight to see him, meet him, love him.
see, my heart's all over the place tonight. scattered.
2 comments:
You have a beautiful spirit. I love your honesty. God has a lot for you up his sleeve. Miss and love you, friend!!!
thanks mandy. had a lot on my mind...:-)
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