Fresh off my cold fingertips...

howdy my 2 readers! megan and natasha! lol

this is one of those blogs without purpose on my end other than i just feel like typing out what's going on inside my head...

okay, so since moving to florida i've been really testing what i've been taught to believe. i discovered that my relationship with God wasn't strong enough but His mercy is and well, He is and so that's how i'm here. when i lived in franklin, tn, i had all my peeps to chill with and we'd talk about God stuff but on my own with God is where the weakness is.

why do i put God off when it's just us? am i afraid? maybe. i know the things that seem in the way... and because i can't push'em away, i automatically assume i can't pursue God...because isn't God all or nothing? hmmm....i'll chime in some more later...gotta get to work..

okay..i'm back...

so yeah, isn't God all or nothing? like in Joel 2, He expresses He wants an exclusive relationship and for us to repent...

so when you don't lay things down, why would God be pleased with just your struggle to lay things down? i mean, deep down, you know you want to quit smoking or eating bad stuff...or you should exercise more...

then there's egypt...God totally put up with their shtuff...man, and they totally screwed God when moses went up the mountain to get the commandments...but God still had shreds of mercy left for them. why??!

i don't get it. i don't understand. it's humbling too because i can't praise God on the basis of the fact i've been consistently seeking Him, readin' my bible, doing what is right...the basis on which i love to sing to God and thank Him is because He's taken me in with all the baggage. i'm not deliberately sinning although sometimes i do but anyway...i guess it all goes back to the blood of Jesus. it's what God accepts us through. i wasn't even around when Jesus shed his blood, so i had no hand in this pardon...but for some reason i can't accept it. how screwed up is that?? God, THE one living God of this universe accepts the blood of His son for us and yet i'm here, "hmmm...are YOU sure Your son's blood is enough??"

grrr....God help me with my unbelief. this is a tougher issue than i thought. funny thing is God still chooses to use me. whaaa???

anyway, i need clarity. i don't want to take advantage of God's love, mercy and grace...

Perfect God for me

God is so good. It sounds so cliche but It's all I get to learn more and more about in life.

His love is like skin. it's everywhere on you.

have you ever heard of "writer's block"? well, i sort of have been going through something similar, only it's not in my writing. it's in my seeking.

"seeker's block." yeah, for the past 7 months it's been such a hard thing to do, to seek the Lord. i even feel funny calling Him "Lord" because i know i haven't been allowing God to be Lord of everything. just some things.

seeking God has become something extra or even optional instead of something vital and essential.

oh man. my biggest fear has been to fall away. even though in my heart of hearts i know that we will never separate, i fear the numbness that results from disobedience. whenever we don't do what we know is right, there it lies. i can't ignore it anymore.

so i've felt pretty scummy. off and on. but not really repentant. so anyway, i don't like it. i don't like the downward spiral....so last night i was thinking about all this...

have you ever been sooo thirsty that no matter how much liquid you drink, if it's not water, your thirst isn't quenched and when you finally get a bottle of water, you open it up sooo quickly and your fingers are trippy and fumbling and then you finally get the bottle open and you rush the bottle up to your mouth taking in the biggest gulps not caring that some of the water drips down your chin....it's good and it's what your body needs to fight dehydration.

okay so that's what i experienced with God's word...i needed to hear from God immediately and i needed to know if God was sick of me yet. seriously, i know you're probably thinking "doesn't she know about the end of romans 8" but man, with my horrible unfaithfulness and lack of devotion, i just needed to be reassured that God is still at work in me. am i gonna let the devil keep lulling me with apathy? oh HELLLL NO! i say this knowing that i'm still responsible for my disobedience...my choices.

so i opened up the Bible and straight to 1 Timothy i drank...man, i drank....truth is soooo quenching....like, seriously, paul encouraged me. i'm not the worst sinner and God's here for the long haul. so much was said in the first chapter...i wish i could tell you what God underlined but i can't remember it right now...i know, i know, it's like one of those awesome sermons where you take notes because you know you have to go back and review it so it really sinks...so the next blog i'll post this juicy truth on here for ya. drinks on me everyone! cheers!

anyway, this morning i woke up and still with the peace and comfort i received from reading 1 timothy...so i know my relationship with God needs maintanance. i'm ready. today's message at church was sooo right on for me. my relationship with God affects everything.

so happy mother's day after. thank You God for being all You say You are. Perfect for me. awwwwww... :)

Leslie's Love-life Report***

ha...this title makes me smile...

so my crush list is down to zero once again.

feels good.

i'm not here for hanky-panky man!

lol..

so yeah. my love-life is me learning how to love people the way Jesus loved/loves me.

fin.

Vomit

it's what needs to come out from being inside...

stuff you feed yourself that isn't good for you ends up becoming...

vomit.

when was the last time you had to vomit?

mine was on Christmas Day 2008.

i wonder if it symbolizes anything...

all i know is that when you know there's no other way to feel better than to vomit, it's the worst feeling looking into that toilet bowl.

your skin is somewhere between pale yellow and white. your lips are sorta greyish lilac...your veins feel shaky with every move you make...your breathing gets heavier and heavier...

it's like confrontation with the worst monster ever.

this is what it's like when you're forced to be honest with yourself.

lately there's a thought that's been echoing in my head and after recently going back through my old journals, i noticed that this particular thought was floating all over my mind years ago...

so what's the thought?

feeling left out.

it's odd because most of the time i'm in a crowd and i love people interaction. it's like a pulse for me. i was made to be with people.

yet there's a battle of the mind and heart that tugs inside me.

years ago my eyes were opened to the truth about basing your identity in Christ than in other things. it was killer! i was mad and thrilled at the same time! mad because no one teaches you this when you become a Christian and thrilled because God's word started to make some sense to me.

so fast-forward to today. struggle still in tact but not with as much force. how do i know? because it makes me feel important to think of having a better job or a better style or a better purse or a better anything tangible. but if i don't have those things, i don't feel important and it makes me feel upset, inferior, anything not happy. wow. this is nasty truth comin' straight out.

i feel like no one takes me seriously. then there's God.

today on my break from work i was fighting this thought that kept flopping it's way into my heart...

at first i thought i was mad at an individual who made a comment that triggered the thought:

i'm only here to make coffee. i'm just the coffee girl and nothing more. it's who i am.

ouch. what's wrong with being a coffee girl? well, i don't know about you but i haven't heard of any baristas makin it big on the latest issue of forbes. nor have i heard kids say "when i grow up i wanna be a barista.." where's the respect?

anyway, back to my break...as i was battling this i kept asking God to just plain help me. Jesus help me. there's gotta be something i'm missing here...and there was but man i had to press through....and maybe i was physically too weak to fight so i put my head down to lightly nap...started to feel better....

so then i woke up and the thought was still there...so then right before my break was over i opened up to galatians 6:4-10 and there was something in there that really hit the spot for me...

see, i know that i'm learning more and more how to be a servant while working at starbucks but i guess i wish it was something else...but then God reminded me that who i am is not a dj, not a barista, not a whatever, but a child of God, King. it doesn't matter if nobody wants to take me seriously. what matters is that i'm obedient to the Father. Love, Love, Love.

Love. God is. His love makes me wanna vomit. Actually, in order to let His love in, i have to vomit out all the assumptions, misconceptions, offenses and unforgiveness so love can live. be active.

so the next time you see me, please see me as God sees me, His. oh yes, i too gotta practice what i preach...but before that, excuse me, i gotta v....

cheesy ending.

Relationships or lack thereof...

relationships are huge in life. i mean, life consists of relationships. so what am i up to? i'm just thinking of relationships...

okay. i didn't want to write about this but it's on my mind and at the risk of sounding desperate, i'm just gonna say it. i want to be in a relationship but i'm not.

it's been like almost 10 years since my last relationship and i'm not who i was then...i'm glad.

some people say that you should date a good number of guys so you know what you like and what you don't like.

i don't agree with that.

a good number of people have questioned why i'm not in a relationship. it's almost like they think something is wrong with me. ha.

i feel fine. i actually think me not being in multiple relationships has saved me from pre-mature aging. no wrinkles. thank God.

um, so where am i going with all this? *sigh* i guess i'm just dispersing thoughts...i don't know if anybody reads my blog but it helps get these thoughts out...it's for me.

i always think that the reason i'm not in a relationships is because i'm not ready but the weird thing is i don't know when i'll ever be ready. i'm still pretty selfish and i hear that to be married you can't be selfish...bah. well, we're not in heaven yet so....yeah...you know what i mean...

my thing is, i don't want to be in the wrong relationship. i truly-absolutely-without-a-doubt believe that God has planned who I'll marry since before i was born...so i know there is such a thing as a right relationship...and just from past experiences...whenever i've tried to manipulate stuff into happening, it goes all wrong. blows up in my face. i just don't want to do that again. i don't have time to waste. i'm not isolating myself from the male species either. i mean, i am sooo open to having friendships with men and women...call me old-fashioned but if a godly guy even thinks i'm his potential wife, he should know and it should already be installed in him to pursue me. know what i'm sayin'?? dang right gina! *sigh*

so with all that said. i so want to meet my future husband guy...friend. i hope he's more than what i think i want and need. i hope He makes me a laugh for years to come. i hope he's not weird. i hope he either has a sense of style or is open to letting me lead the way in that area...i hope he's musically/media inclined...i hope he's a strong leader-type that's got his confidence fully in Christ...so he can teach me how to do that..i hope he likes to drive me places...um i hope he enjoys a good cup of coffee. i hope he's a great cook! oh man!

out of all that stuff i just mentioned...laughing together is what i look forward to.

until then, let the process in me continue. i have a lot of growing up to do. my relationship with God needs help...sometimes i feel like a beginner but then i remember all i've learned but not applied...makes a difference...obedience...

alright. i'm getting sleepy. time for bed. xoxo

***Crush Update***

Just to let you know...

My crushes are over. I am glaaad too! My heart needs to be saved for something real. KNow what I'm sayin'?? Holla'!

Oh and pray for me because working at Starbucks has gotten me pretty jaded...

*fade in Steven Tyler's song Jaded* :)

Crush, Crush, Crush!! ;)

So here's my question to you married people:

Do you end up marrying someone you had a crush on at one time?

I've had crushes left and right, so yeah I wonder if one of these guys could be "the one."

I like having a crush on someone but the sad part is that it's only temporary. So I still get butterflies thinking about a possibility with the person but then I remember it's all just a crush and that I need to simma' down.

So...

Crush #1: He's very musically inclined and always listens to me. He's very much in pursuit of God. That's hot.

Crush #2: He's funny and in Nashville. He is such a great guy and he's been through so much. He has a great family that I love. He's becomes more and more attractive the stronger his pursuit of God.

Crush #3: He's new to me. He's just really kind and mature for whatever age he is. He's also very respectful and super knowledgeable.

*sigh*

Okay, so what's up with guys when they say "take care." I recently read an email from one of my crushes and everything he had to say was super sweet and then bam, he ends the email with "take care,..."

I don't get it. Oh well. That's it about my "love-life." :)