Letting it out helps to let it go

got to do that tonight. it's not good to bottle up things. even if you're telling things to God, you still need humans who somewhat understand to hear you out. even stuff that's hard to say or that you dont know how to come about to say, God hears the groans and i think He makes a way for you to be heard...suddenly my heart's at peace.

J O Y

people usually associate me with that. i associate me with that. joyful anything, i love it.

i think the whole joy thing gets misunderstood. being in a good mood doesn't mean it's joy.

am i in a good mood all the time. noooooooooooooooo. if you work or have lived with me you so know this.

i've had my share of bad days and no matter what my opinion is, people still use joy to describe me. how the??? at first i didn't understand.

don't these people know me? don't they know that i'm not perfect and that i can be such a jerk at times??

how can you say i'm joyful?

and so this is what i've figured out thus far....joy is more than a smile, a laugh...it's an overall ingredient of your character.

i hate bad days. don't you? i hate losing. i hate being embarassed. i don't enjoy interacting with rude people. i don't enjoy not having friends. i hate the traffic in florida.

i've expressed my dislike for the things that are outside my comfort zone. but the neat thing is that i have the choice to allow these things to shape me or break me. maybe both. but basically, joy develops when we endure through tough stuff. romans 5:3-5 check it out.

joy costs. it's not free. so that's where my joy springs from. i'm a messed up girl who's now redeemed moment by moment and lives to tell about it.

Radio Boot Camp...Is that what I signed up for? :)

i guess so.

right off the bat i'm learning about how self-centered i've been. i've had an ego.

so the challenge is to let God shred this ego even though you're surrounded by other people who are just like you! shhhhyahhhh! that's my made-up word out of frustration.

i loooove radio. i do. i know this because no matter how much i suck at it right now, no matter the volumes of knowledge and experience i lack, i still have nooooo desire to quit. as a matter of fact, it makes me wanna try harder! i seriously have this dream alive in me.

right now i'm being molded.

words really can't help me here. but i'll say what's inside my heart.

like, i'm so thankful for this opportunity.

living in florida has exposed so many weaknesses to me. i didn't know how poor i was.

not financially but spiritually.

i still am. i need help y'all.

this whole blog has had lots of somber entries...

i'm new to this whole radio thing.

so there's that.

now i have to learn how to train my mind to serve people who don't give a rip about me.

you remember the Jesus speech about loving your enemies? yep.

it's soooo hard to love someone who doesn't love you back.

it hurts that even though God says HE's not a respector of persons, we are.

this past weekend i had the privelege of attending this radio conference called momentum.

i was surrounded by some of the biggest fish in radio.

i tried to soak up all i could.

a year ago i had zero experience and would've never guessed i'd be able to attend one of these conferences. but there i was.

it was somewhat uncomfortable at first. i didn't know who i'd be hanging out with. weird thing is that i noticed some things never end in high school. there are still cliques being formed by adults in their late 30's and up.

so there i was. trying to fit in all over again. and then it dawned on me. wtf? seriously?
okay, so i hardly use the f-word but it's one of those moments where it just fits. just flow with me for a sec. so i got nudged with the reality that it's okay if i'm not the life of the party. it's okay not to know everybody. it's okay to not be the favorite. it's okay to just go up to people and talk to them even though they didn't initiate it. most importantly, my purpose for being at this conference was to learn and grow.

so at that point i just let go. it was hard but i know i did it. that's when i started to meet great people. feels sooo great to meet people without so much ego. not sayin' all the people at this conference had ego but i'd say a large percent. heck even me! i know, right!? i still want to be known...i'm bad, i know. it's just this great feeling i'm sorta addicted to when someone says you cheered them up....it's that knowing that you were able to reflect hope to a person who thought they were hopeless...or knowing that somebody enjoys your quirks...them enjoying you is a confirmation of why God made you the way He made you.

so in this business of radio, i should still be "about my Father's business..." i know it's cheesy but i had to! Jesus said it and it totally fits this blog. basically, there's a greater purpose for being on the microphone. it's not about me. so i'm thinking sharing the "good news" has sooo many dimensions. what i mean is that so much good comes out of knowing who God is and pursuing Him. for me, it's hope. so that's the good news i want to share on the air. it's my story. Even though i know i'm made for this, there is no way i can do this apart from God. john 15:5...check it yo! hey, even if you're not a bible-reader, there's a lot of wisdom inside it that you shan't pass up! ;)

ok, something else i've learned is that because i'm new to radio and it's an honor to be helping with shows, i don't have rights. yep. i don't have a right to feel left out. i don't have a right to complain. i don't have a right to expect. all i have a right to is to serve.

great. the thing i've sucked at my whole life. i'm here to serve.

Jesus washed his disciples' feet and said we should follow that example. there was a time when i read that and could care less what Jesus implied. but now it's a sacrifice i need to make. it's what Jesus said to do. it's the right thing to do. even if i don't like it. it's a sacrifice. an act of worship. ouch.

i'm sore.

I'm an outsider

it's what i feel like...

i miss belonging to someone.

to people.

i moved to florida knowing i at least had 2 people i could count on as friends.

they're a family. i love when they have me over and stuff like that, but i still don't really feel like i belong.

i want my own family.

i have my family in san antonio. i have another in nashville.

don't know how else to describe it.

i miss being affirmed. i got lots of that in nashville.

i haven't taken that love language quiz but i'm pretty sure i'm an affirmation person. i also love to receive stuff too.

here i'm nobody's favorite.

so i was telling the one of my 2 friends that i felt like the underdog.

i may have said it pridefully at one point but now i just honestly see myself as an underdog...

like, i don't know how the heck i'll become that great dj i dream of becoming. tough monkeys man.

so why not quit? because i was made for this. it's all i know.

i'm not good at anything else. not like i'm really good at this radio stuff but the passion is insane. i want it.

somebody told me i have potential. i want to believe it.

i partially do believe it. and then when i suck at it, i don't want to believe it.

all this stuff is hard to be learning all together on one plate.

i'm alone. i don't fit in. hello florida.

honestly, i wish i had attention. i miss having attention. someone to side with me. someone to bounce stuff off of.

i'm pretty much stripped of all i had in nashville.

i'm jealous of the people who have all i lost.

so when i start to think about how i wish i could be somebody else just so i can feel the attention they get, i tell myself that as much as i'd like to be liked and favored and attended to by the people i work with, i'm not here for them. i'm not here to have his attention, her attention, their attention...i'm not here to be favored by them....i ultimately have an audience of one.

God brought me here. as much as i yearn for all this human praise, i'm realizing it's not what i need. otherwise God would have given it to me when i moved here. it's hard for me to walk on without all those things.

i thought human praise was fuel.

He says no.

i'm insecure when it comes to basing my value on these people.

i am, however, secure when i base myself "in Christ." everything's different when you're "in Christ."

i guess He wants all the glory. i can't say it was for my looks, my charm...

God gave me a passion. He gave me a laugh. He gave me a desire for honesty and realness.

i very much feel like an outsider.

perfect timing for needtobreathe's cd this year.

Not FAiR!

today it's one of those "it's not fair!" days.

why do i have to keep working at starbucks??!

why didn't learn this stuff earlier in life? now i'm 30 and barely learning!

grr.

rrrrr.

and then to top it off, kloe kardashian has her own radio show in miami, fl.

how the heck??!!

why should i be happy for her??

she didn't have to work her butt off at all!

she was born into a rich family!

their work consists of looking good and semi-managing a clothing store!

why does she get to have her own radio show??

this is soooo Not FAiR!!!

meanwhile i have to keep working at effin' starbucks. yep. i said effin. it's bad. let me be rebellious for a mili-second, okay?! seriously. i never got to cuss as a kid. so just suck it up and listen to my heart here!

God!!! thank You for this opportunity. i know the fact i even have time on air is pure gold...it's just that, why is she gettin' to do this? she's not even helping people!

*sigh*

then His response: "your job has eternal value."

it makes a difference in eternity. ok. hers is too though. just not positively.

the other day i had to re-read the end of the book of john. the part in particular i was needing to read was when peter is walking with Jesus after his resurrection...at this point Jesus had already appeared to the disciples like 3 times...anyway, lemme paraphrase all this...

so Jesus fills peter in on how he's gonna die in the future...and then peter looks back and sees john following him and Jesus. so peter asks Jesus, "what about him? will he die before you return??" and then Jesus says, "what's it to you what i do with John? you follow me."

"you follow me." that's it? what did Jesus mean? well, i guess i always understood it as, "you focus on me and don't be concerned about what i do with other people?" i guess if i follow Jesus and you follow Jesus, we're all going to the same place with Jesus...

so i guess i shouldn't be all up on God's grill about what He's doing in other people's lives...

i guess i get jealous and i think that's exactly what Jesus didn't want for me, nor peter.

the greatest career choice, dream, vision, call for your life is following Jesus.

no matter if you've known Him for years or for about a minute....it's technically not fair but that's the beauty of having God as our Lord. His mercy allows us to learn from opportunities we could never earn on our own.

it's universal. 2+2=4 everywhere in the world. to have a relationship with God it's gotta be through Jesus. and no matter what we do in life, we're following Jesus.

okay. i'm done being redundant. God is faithful.

this is my psalm.

S E X.

this topic is one i've always avoided.

it's the one "you just don't talk about."

but God created it, right?

so it's not bad.

just like anything, i guess it gets abused.

so lately i hear a lot of jokes. sexual ones. usually about penis-this or that. it's sooo common.

it makes me wonder if something's wrong with me for squirming at the sound of the word itself.

so today i was just wondering if there were people who would make sex jokes back in bible times.

you think so?

well, david, the man after God's own heart, was also a man whore. i don't know if men were crude back in the day.

today it just seems like guys are defining manhood with crudeness.

it grosses me out.

i don't wanna hear about penises. i don't wanna hear about vaginas.

can't we just be cool without all that extra info.?

i'm trying to dig for a reason why people have a need to bring up sex??? why? what's the point? why is it something funny? i don't understand why it's funny.

it's a good thing. it's almost like an art piece to me. granted i haven't crossed that path yet, i imagine it's something personal and kinda like a diamond at tiffany's.

i mean, who jokes about a diamond? it just doesn't make sense.

but there i am in the midst of somekind of sex talk at work.

am i curious? yes but i think the stuff i don't know, i don't need to know yet. i mean, my life is fine without knowing that stuff yet.

until i have a husband, then i guess some tips from a few of my closest friends would do.

i wish i could talk about this more openly so that maybe you could see where i'm coming from. but it's awkward.

i mean, if my own brothers were to tell me penis jokes, how disgusting would that be? i'd freak! why would we even go there?? or why would i tell them sex jokes?

i don't want to be prude here but seriously, i think life is full of bloopers outside of sex and body parts.

all this is my response after watching the movie, "funny people." i compromised and watched the entire movie even though certain parts made me feel uncomfortable. "well i covered my eyes" or "i tried not to hear..." but there i sat.

i guess part of me was curious and the other part of me was wanting for my mainstream friend to be comfortable with me. i don't want to be the friend that you can't watch this with. i want her to feel like she can be herself with me without worrying about offending me. i took a risk. i hope my friend saw that.

is it possible to feel uncomfortable without feeling convicted? or am i trying to justify this?

what was the outcome?

well, my friend had a great time with me! she's had a rough life up to this point and i wanted her to be able to laugh and be at ease with someone who loves her unconditionally. she's a victim of domestic violence/abuse and so anyway...

i hope i made the right decision.

Super Good Feeling

that's a favorite bleach song of mine...bleach was one of the best bands in the christian music industry back in the day...

anyway, this blog isn't about them.

i just love that i'm here in florida for such a time as this! ya' know? this is such a new process for me and even though times get not so comfy, the adventure of living for God far outweighs the worst of days.

i'm not always obedient but i want to be.

i'm not always thankful but i want to be.

i'm not always cool and even though i want to be...you know, so i can be accepted...

motives. they're a big deal.

i'm not here to live up to anyone's expectations of me even though sometimes i think i am.

here's the truth: i'm here to reach my full potential in Christ. i'm already accepted by Him.

i'm here as an instrument to God.

why do i keep forgetting the essentials? crazy me.

well, just the other day i was reminded of my passion to include people.

God gave me a gift to be able to connect easily with people, not so that i could be popular or "cool" but to point people to Him; unconditional Love.

i want to be an encouragement to people, not a discouragement.

i know what it feels like to be left out.

i know what it feels like to not be the best looking.

i know what it feels like to be a nerd, dork, geek...

yep. i know.

i never ever want to make someone feel like they don't belong.

if anything, i want people to feel God's love like soundwaves when you're at a loud concert standing right by the speakers. ya'know? to where it leaves your ears ringing and you're deaf to the world even after it's all over. ha!

there are days when i'm working at starbucks and my heart and mind are more alert to this invisible work of God...so when i realize what's up, i go along with God's work...

okay God. i'm with You. yes, let's do this.