I'm an outsider

it's what i feel like...

i miss belonging to someone.

to people.

i moved to florida knowing i at least had 2 people i could count on as friends.

they're a family. i love when they have me over and stuff like that, but i still don't really feel like i belong.

i want my own family.

i have my family in san antonio. i have another in nashville.

don't know how else to describe it.

i miss being affirmed. i got lots of that in nashville.

i haven't taken that love language quiz but i'm pretty sure i'm an affirmation person. i also love to receive stuff too.

here i'm nobody's favorite.

so i was telling the one of my 2 friends that i felt like the underdog.

i may have said it pridefully at one point but now i just honestly see myself as an underdog...

like, i don't know how the heck i'll become that great dj i dream of becoming. tough monkeys man.

so why not quit? because i was made for this. it's all i know.

i'm not good at anything else. not like i'm really good at this radio stuff but the passion is insane. i want it.

somebody told me i have potential. i want to believe it.

i partially do believe it. and then when i suck at it, i don't want to believe it.

all this stuff is hard to be learning all together on one plate.

i'm alone. i don't fit in. hello florida.

honestly, i wish i had attention. i miss having attention. someone to side with me. someone to bounce stuff off of.

i'm pretty much stripped of all i had in nashville.

i'm jealous of the people who have all i lost.

so when i start to think about how i wish i could be somebody else just so i can feel the attention they get, i tell myself that as much as i'd like to be liked and favored and attended to by the people i work with, i'm not here for them. i'm not here to have his attention, her attention, their attention...i'm not here to be favored by them....i ultimately have an audience of one.

God brought me here. as much as i yearn for all this human praise, i'm realizing it's not what i need. otherwise God would have given it to me when i moved here. it's hard for me to walk on without all those things.

i thought human praise was fuel.

He says no.

i'm insecure when it comes to basing my value on these people.

i am, however, secure when i base myself "in Christ." everything's different when you're "in Christ."

i guess He wants all the glory. i can't say it was for my looks, my charm...

God gave me a passion. He gave me a laugh. He gave me a desire for honesty and realness.

i very much feel like an outsider.

perfect timing for needtobreathe's cd this year.