praying, waiting, praying

it's this new season approaching..

by the end of next week i'll know where all this will be going.

by the end of next week life will change for the better.

i say that not knowing the outcome but knowing the creator of it all.

time with family and friends has been good.

time with the rents...they ask a lot of questions...make me think about stuff i don't feel like thinking about...heck, i just want a vacay from thinking.

speaking of thinking...

have you ever texted/emailed someone and they don't respond? opens up a novel of assumptions..."i annoy you. you're mad at me. you're weirded out by me for some reason. you don't care much about me like i care about you. you're sick of me. i'm not that important to you.." those are the thoughts that fly around my brain..

i don't know why i care so much about what you think. i guess i just wanna be loved, accepted...and it seems that even though God has accepted me, i'm still not satisfied. there must be something i'm not understanding..
lame. i know. it's where i be.
ah well. gah lee, this all sounds so boohoo but it's me just being honest...not expecting a reaction.

just realized that as much as we try to love, our love is still tainted..and..

lately i've been pretty jerky to my parents. the 2 people who love me unconditionally. they may get on my nerves but i love them. i think the reason i'm such a jerk to them is because of all the times i've had to hold in the jerk-in-me from people who aren't family..i put the mask on. i let it snowball....forget to unload it to God...and so it's easy to just let it loose and take it out on family because i know they won't fire me or disown me...i can't keep collecting the jerkynessess...must dispose of them to God somehow...is it simply in confessing this to God where all this crap is released? the whole depths of the sea thing? i'll try it and let you know..

i'm a radio, i'm a radio girl...

get it? instead of a material girl, i'm a...k, cheesy, i know..

come august it'll be 1 year of doing live breaks on the air.

man, it's been a tough road.

most of the hurdles have just been battle of the mind type of stuff. big.

it's like somebody's tryin' to sabotage my destiny.

i wonder who...

sometimes i keep my walls up. sometimes i let them come down. but then there's that slight regret or regret of letting them down.

making friends in florida's still not the easiest but it's slowly progressing. slowly.

i say that carefully. i mean, sure i have fun co-workers at both my jobs but that doesn't mean we're hangout buddy material for each other, and that's okay. it's not a put-down on any party. it's just how things are.

takes time to make real friends. with that said. i'm afraid to assume people are my friends...

okay, you know what's been such a battle? wanting to be loved so badly. and it's not even by the opposite or same sex. lol it's just in general. i've been asking God why the heck do i feel such a need?? tryin' to retrace my steps...i mean, i have a great loving family-not perfect by any means but good enough. i feel this huge burden to be loved by people i trust. does that sound odd? i mean, shouldn't it be the other way around? burdened to love others? oh man, and then there's this fear of rejection that pretty much parallels with worry. no bueno..

oh man, there've been times when i've almost lost it. like just insane battle. it's spiritual. i was born insecure. we all are. we all have the need to be loved. because we live in a fallen world, we're not sure of what love is at times. thankfully God came up with the big book called the Bible. inside he gives us a blueprint for love. 1 cor. 13. one of the things that love isn't is self-seeking. if this whole chapter were a job application i'd be underqualified. sounds brutal but you go read that thing...it's real and true.

i think most of my stupid decisions and thoughts are cooked up by this insane need to be loved. i know God loves me and unconditionally at that, but so why am i still behaving this way? it's funny now that i think of it, how God knows that i'm selfish and this "why me" phase doesn't phase him. he still loves me...gently lets me know, hey just fix your mind on me and then none of this will bother you. touche.

at my radio job, it's hard not to compare myself to others. they're all better than me in so many ways. i mean they've all been in radio way longer than i have... i wish i was good at lots of things but i'm not. all i have is this passion to do an on-air show that doesn't suck. i just have this passion to be able to make radio into a more personal relationship with strangers. all i have is this passion to speak life. to make smiles miles away. that's my thing i guess. sadly it doesn't provide that much value. only time will give any of this value i guess...but seth godin is right. validation is overrated. i've already been validated. God's the author of my destiny. it's the only explanation i have for being where i am. you'd believe it too if you saw water turn to wine. well, i'm the water.

God's been sooo gracious, man. i'll be covering mid-days for the next 2 weeks. and then after that, i'll be on sundays in addition to saturdays. thinking about how i've been making coffee for strangers for almost 5 years might kill my "i can't believe i'm on the radio"-buzz but that's okay. i know God is good. like, you don't even know....when i get open and vulnerable with God, it's when i see God, who He is. love. makes me teary. how can this massive diety understand and have the capacity to love the most undeserving? hell, i don't know but i'll fall heavy in his arms if he'll have me. and so that's what i do.

SEX and The City...but without

the sex. i stumbled onto this show months ago on tbs...sex sells. i'm guilty of using it to lure you into reading my blog...hehe

something about the word "sex" just always made me wanna keep my distance. not that sex is wrong but it's just not part of my lifestyle. there's other stuff more important...

so anyway, aside the sex, i can sooo relate with these 4 single women. my favorite character is carrie bradshaw played by sarah jessica parker...there's something about a straight-up hardcore fashionista smoking a cigarrette that makes me wanna do it too, forgetting how much i hate the stench it leaves on people...

the only parts i can't relate with are the sex ones.

1. because i've never had sex.

2. sex isn't my world...not just because of not ever doing it but it's just not at the center of what i care about...so why this blog? k, just keep reading.

i was sorta justifying it in my head that it was okay to watch this show because hey, these are single women just like me (minus the casual sexing)...waiting for mr. right....they love to shop and especially for shoes! plus, they know what it's like to be the single person invited to an all-married activity...getting invited to your friend's kid's bday parties and being the only one there who's not a mom and not a kid...you're just in between...feels like adolescence all over again.

don't get me wrong. i love my friendships with my married mommas but this is just reality. i'll be at one of these parties, baby showers and the question from a random invitee is "which kid is yours?" and then there's "oh you're not married?"

nope. i'm not. it's cool. i'm fine. just makes it awkward when married people have lived in A married world for so long that they sort of assume we're all married. (not all but most)

anyway, to the point of this blog. i found comfort in watching sex and the city. it also made me feel like a rebel for watching a show that revolves around single women's sex lives. that's normal. people have sex outside of marriage and inside of marriage all the time. just not me. but i want to someday. shows like these make me wanna know what it's like even more. and even though it's on tbs, the sensuality is pretty graphic, so then my mind flashes these images at random times. it's odd and embarassing....

that ever happen to you? random flashes of people going at it? it's either from stuff you've seen or just assumptions of it...weird, but i can't help but think, "she got knocked up by her hubby or some guy," any time i see a pregnant woman. if i see a married couple, the thought is "they have sex. they like do it whenever they want. crazy." lol oh man, i can't believe how awkward this is getting...haaa...annnnyway....

i decided i'd stop watching sex and the city. even though it's comforting to watch other single women venture out on finding mr. right, it's not reality for me. i'm not trying on every shoe that's on sale. i'm saving my money for the best, most unique pair of shoes my feet will ever step into. they'll fit just right and look super cute...totally worth it. :-)

Facebook, Hello Again!

crazy. i didn't think i could do it. a whole month away from social networking. but i did.what i did instead was read, talk to God, blog, work. nope, i'm not perfect yet but its crazy how much i was on facebook...tryin' to connect myself to something...an idea-that by being on facebook constantly i'm still plugged into something..

i'm in florida and i can't keep neglecting friendships God's put in my way. love is clearer to me...

spent time with people i don't usually spend time with...heck i never really spend time with that many people....but anyway...learning to love expecting nothing in return. learning to love when it's inconvenient. it's okay to give of myself. not be afraid of being hurt.

trusting God, it's like an art or somethin'...an art of living....anyway, i've made it to chapter 17 of blue like jazz so far...the donald miller book...i didn't read it religiously(ok i did at first) but man it feels good to read a book written by someone who thinks a whole lot like me...i mean, i even blogged about the guy....wanting to marry him....haaa...

in other news, hey i'm still losing weight...down 46 pounds so far...feels good. yay!

so i just posted my first status update back on facebook...felt good to see that little red icon with numbers poppin' up numbers of comments...been wondering if the fast/break from facebook worked? because when i told my brother i was fasting facebook, he was like "oh cool! what are you fasting for? a big decision? job?" and i was like, "oh, well, i guess just wanting God to be my first priority instead of facebook. don't wanna have idols..." i felt convicted about makin' it my idol. it's interesting how when we put an idol down, we pick up another. whatever's accessible. i started idolizing a person. reminds me of reading louie giglio's book on worship a long time ago..said we were made to worship...so even though i put facebook down....i still struggle with idolatry...

project runway season 3

it's my favorite season.

it's my pick for this friday night.

"God is alive and well and working on my side. He wasn't drunk today like he was the day I had to work with Angela's mom..." -Jeffrey Sebelia

i thought it was funny. never thought of God being drunk. he's perfect so i guess that wouldn't happen....but he was human....a perfect human. never read of him being drunk...ah well, i still love the honesty in that comment jeff made.

there's just something i really appreciate about honesty. even when it hurts at first. it's refreshing and a lifesaver in the end.

fogged up lenses...

gosh. my last entry was pretty emo. honest--but still emotions aren't always the best lenses for reality, ya know?

ah well...things are better...the night is over and it's a new day....i have to contend for the goodness that always remains...God's super faithful and trustworthy...people are people, what can you do you?...it's rhetorical...

anyway, my lenses aren't fogged up anymore...

makes sense though...when things get heated, your lenses can fog up...

anyway...life goes on!

tonight...

just when i thought i was over missing my life in nashville...it hit me again.

by october i'll have been living in florida 2 whole years. 2 whole years of my life. sounds like a long time and why do i still miss nashville? my heart hurts.

out of all the people i've met so far. don't feel like anyone loves me the way my friends in nashville loved me. me, me, me....sound familiar? oh mercy. *sigh* i really did sigh.

i feel like i have to try extra hard here to be loved. rejection is a fear off and on. i have a married couple here that i'm friends with the most. they're the only people i have history with. sometimes i'm afraid they don't really love me how i want to be loved.

maybe i'm just thinking way too much or letting my emotions get the best of me tonight. just feels like i put so much into our friendship and just wanting to feel loved and sometimes it feels not the same on their end. this could just be the fact they have kids and their own agenda. i wish someone would bend over backwards to spend time with me (yep i've got issues). maybe they do and i just don't see it. all i see is my side of the story...maybe i'm putting way too much responsibility on their end...they don't have to love me...i should love them, expecting nothing in return. yep.

then there's Jesus. i know. he died a horrible death on the cross so we could hang. no pun intended. but he's still invisible. i hate how hard this is. God why do you have me here? i'm not talking just physically but spiritually? i feel lousy. i'm a horrible lover. i can't love like you. i've never had to put so much into being selfless like you. i suck at being selfless. it hurts me a lot and i'm always afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of. i think this is the part where you want me to learn to trust you more or something like that...

i guess i miss nashville because it represents the people that have loved me unconditionally. i made my first real friends there. by real friends i'm talkin' people who would lay down their lives for me...i guess that's how i was able to understand God's love too...(thanks donald miller for helping me see that)..nashville's the place where i first got a glimpse of what it meant to be real. the hunger began there. "dying to my flesh"....nashville's where i first met up with that truth of the Bible....i guess i miss familiarity too. busyness helps me forget but at the end of the day, i'm alone. yeah God is present, i know, even while i type this, but i still miss.

man, i wish i was married by now. i want to have sex someday. was thinkin' about deleting what i just said but whatever. i'm just being honest...anyway, i want to share popcorn with my bestfriend. i want to go shopping with him. i want to make him coffee. i want to play scrabble with him. i wanna talk with him. where is he? i wish i knew. i'd take the first flight to see him, meet him, love him.

see, my heart's all over the place tonight. scattered.