praying, waiting, praying

it's this new season approaching..

by the end of next week i'll know where all this will be going.

by the end of next week life will change for the better.

i say that not knowing the outcome but knowing the creator of it all.

time with family and friends has been good.

time with the rents...they ask a lot of questions...make me think about stuff i don't feel like thinking about...heck, i just want a vacay from thinking.

speaking of thinking...

have you ever texted/emailed someone and they don't respond? opens up a novel of assumptions..."i annoy you. you're mad at me. you're weirded out by me for some reason. you don't care much about me like i care about you. you're sick of me. i'm not that important to you.." those are the thoughts that fly around my brain..

i don't know why i care so much about what you think. i guess i just wanna be loved, accepted...and it seems that even though God has accepted me, i'm still not satisfied. there must be something i'm not understanding..
lame. i know. it's where i be.
ah well. gah lee, this all sounds so boohoo but it's me just being honest...not expecting a reaction.

just realized that as much as we try to love, our love is still tainted..and..

lately i've been pretty jerky to my parents. the 2 people who love me unconditionally. they may get on my nerves but i love them. i think the reason i'm such a jerk to them is because of all the times i've had to hold in the jerk-in-me from people who aren't family..i put the mask on. i let it snowball....forget to unload it to God...and so it's easy to just let it loose and take it out on family because i know they won't fire me or disown me...i can't keep collecting the jerkynessess...must dispose of them to God somehow...is it simply in confessing this to God where all this crap is released? the whole depths of the sea thing? i'll try it and let you know..