starbucks

this week i hate working there.

it's a love/hate relationship....so weird i never thought i'd say that...

anyway....ive got new dreams to dream...to live.

had a good talk with ronda today.

instead of whining about how there's nobody around my age here...i'm gonna go hunting for them and it's gonna be full of purpose...

i can't be the only one...they're out there...

Happy V-day to my Future Boo:

hey boo!
so....guess we'll spend another valentines day apart. the neat thing is i don't miss you(because we've never met). sucks though because...there's all these lovesongs that keep getting written...none of them will have the full effect on me until i hear'em sitting next to you. sweet. i know. i'm a romantic. you're gonna love me.

so today i'm gonna babysit for some married friends. you'd be proud of me...if you were here but you're not so someday i guess you'll read this and be like "awwww.." haaaaa...this is funny. me writing to you before i even meet you. if i had friends i wouldn't be typing right now...but God kicked me out of tennessee where all my friends were...the single ones. so now i'm stuck thinking about you....no offense. i just didn't think as much about you when i lived over there.

i hope you're someone everyone loves to be around. i hope you play the piano. if you don't, no worries, we can learn together. and then you can buy me a piano for our house. yep. that'll be swell.

good night love...

your bride.

p.s. i'm not marrying carson daly. it's just a picture i liked...

My 1st Girl Doctor

*just in case you don't wanna read girly stuff, this one is girly*

never been to one.

i'm 30 and this is my first time going to a gyno.

this won't be like a regular check-up though. i'm on my cycle so that's why.

the reason i'm going isn't because everybody's been telling me i need to go to one since i was 18...

i'm going because i felt something hard on my right breast.

and the weird thing about that was that i had a dream that i went to get checked and the doctor said "nothing's wrong with you but you should still get checked."

what the helicopters does that mean?

well as soon as i woke up i checked my breasts and that's what i found.

i'm not gonna lie. i'm kind of scared. not majorly but a bit. nobody's immune, ya' know?

my appointment is in about 10 hours.

my first thought is God forbid anything be wrong with me.

second is, what if it's my time to go.

third is, what do i waste my life on?

all this happened sunday. and since then, my perspective on life has shifted, not drastically but still significantly.

driving through traffic is not so bad considering it's a part of life. every person i come in contact with is more important to me. the little things in life that i've let get to me are shrinking.

what an opportunity to be on the radio.

what an opportunity to have the family i have.

what an opportunity to speak life to the souls that need it.

life really is good.

man, i don't want to die.

i want to live. really live.

not too many people know what's going on with me because i don't want to scare them. i don't want people depositing more fear into my life. that must be God's wisdom because i'm usually a big mouth....if you're reading this, it's for you to pray for me and simply that. please don't go around spreading gossip. keep this info. between you, me and God. thanks. (i'm posting that i have a new blog up on my fb status but no one ever reads my blog when i do that but i'm trusting the right people who are supposed to, will)

plus, i want to trust that everything's gonna be fine and i do.

i'm placing myself at the mercy of God.

God's mercy is immeasurable.

it's not anything i can earn or deserve but it's free.

it's available at my time of need.

i'd say this is a time of need but when i really think about it, i need God's mercy every day.

maybe this is something God wants me to realize.

it's something i know in my head but i'm not sure if that knowledge has found a way to connect to my heart.

God, all i can ask for is Your mercy. all this makes me wonder if i did something wrong. i thank You that i don't feel sick or anything like that. i thank you that You love me this much that you want to show me how much You love me every day so that i can find contentment in that. thanks for all the people you've placed in my life. they're all neat people. they make living in florida easier to cope with. please forgive me for saying i hate florida. i just hate the lessons i have to learn...like patience...i know asking for forgiveness isn't a way to earn your protection. it's just my natural instinct to do think that but i know it's not the truth. thank You for your protection this far. and i guess no matter what, i'll never lose You. that's good to know. you're all i have and that's a lot. you really are the salt of the earth. You make life taste better. thanks for choosing me to know You. i know i'm not the devoted daughter you've made me to be and yet it doesn't affect Your love for me. so God please let Your perfect love cast out all this stupid fear. You've overcome the world because You're great and strong and may every thing/thought that's contradictory to your truth bow before You. in Jesus' name So shall it be.

Rehab time

denying my flesh is like an alcoholic going through withdrawal...

it's so uncomfortable and painful and you can't see past the present....

the only thing you've known is to drink more alcohol...

same with flesh. doing what's inconvenient to me. doing the opposite of what i want to do.

you can kick scream cry sweat through the night.....it's almost unbearable and you see through hopeless lens...

but then the morning arrives....and the morning doesn't necessarily mean it's sometime in the a.m. you can awaken at any time and when you do, you can't believe you got through the night.

so things are turning. you may not feel it or see but it's happening. and when you do and the time is right, the microphone will be waiting.

you and i were made to be history makers and speakers of truth to all mankind. yep. good song.

Not so cozy anymore...

some stuff is hard to swallow. pills that are dry and large. they're usually some form of medication to help you get better but not something i crave. i've never enjoyed taking meds. nyquil, sudafed, advil, ibuprofen, vitamins...they're all meant to aleviate you of something. usually it's pain. they don't get rid of the sickness though. they just get rid of the symptoms temporarily. maybe that's why some people become addicted to these.

who wants to deal with the real issues? not me. just gimme a pill. the bummer is that relief is temporary with this stuff. i feel the same way about this process of life i'm walking through. i'm insecure, paranoid and self-centered. meds to make me feel better: friends, church, work. where's Christ in all this? i guess He's also been used by me to make me feel better. the only difference between Christ and other meds is that He goes beyond my expectations. He's alive and His will is for my best. so even when i use Christ, He works on my behalf.

why don't i use Christ more often then? because He exposes everything. He's light. when you're sleeping at night and someone comes to turn on the lights, you squint and try to cover your eyes by either pulling the covers over your face or with a pillow...it takes you away from your comfortable state. there you were all cozy in bed and then this.

i've become cozy with way too much. it's not okay. the things that i battle with stem out of fear which stems out of pride. it's a pride issue. the world doesn't revolve around me but in my head it does. it's horrible because it ruins my life. it robs me of the joy of the journey, the process. i get mad at God often. "why did you place me in a place with all these people who are better than me??" "i hate this! i hate feeling this way! nobody cares about me!" is any of that true? well, nobody has actually told me this stuff but it's stuff i've collected from the past. does it match what the truth of God's word is? okay, well no but, BUT, there's always a but that limits me. i guess i partially believe the truth. i have a lot of head knowledge but i need it to be plugged into my heart. i can't function like this.

today one of our co-workers lost her husband. i was upset about it. but then i become more upset about myself. the things i struggle with. comparing myself to others. not trusting God. so there's the issue of my co-worker that should be my only concern but sadly i'm also thinking about myself..it's pride at the core...

Dear Boo,

hey. hi. i hope you're happy. i'm still single because of you.

ah, it's okay. you're just taking a bit longer than i ever thought you would....

i'm more determined not to settle for anything less than you...along with a bunch of other dreams.

love music? i hope it's something we can bop our heads to like dorks in the car while you drive.
later.

your bride. :-)

Heartbreak Warfare

i really like the song....anyway, it seems like this is what goes on inside me. it's really a battle of the mind. it's something i desperately need to tackle this year. can't do it by myself though.

this is how i feel every time i put so much hope in humans i look up to. every time i compare myself to someone else who's better than me. everytime i get overlooked. when idols let me down. i care more about the opinions of certain people than about what pleases God. that's idolatry, right?

C R A Z Y. one part of me struggles with the thought of not being good enough because of verbal abuse from my mom. she didn't know what she was really doing. i don't blame her. she had to raise 5 kids mostly on her own while dad was out working long days and weeks even. she had a temper. she kept us all in check and it was a bit damaging BUT forgiveness is healing.

dad, when he came into town, was my hero. still is. he wasn't the discplinary because he was hardly home. he'd come to the rescue. i'd cry to my dad about how it sucked at home without him and his remedy was to take me out on shopping sprees. i became spoiled. but at the same time, i really treasured those times he took me out. i'll never forget when he took me out for coffee at ihop and asked me if he could get me a new mommy. ha! he told me he could find me a pretty blonde mommy who was nice if i wanted. so you see why quality time to me equals love. gifts do too but i mostly enjoyed the time with my dad than the shopping...although i do love shopping.

my relationship with my mom isn't the best but it's gotten better. so time has passed and i've started to heal and sometimes it feels like i'm always gonna be in the healing process. my heart breaks when people don't want to spend time with me. my heart breaks when i try to do my best and it's still not the best.

it's a war in my mind. prayer helps but i don't depend on it often as a weapon. sometimes i'm so upset that i don't want to talk about it even with God. it's humiliating. i don't know people in florida that well to dish this out to them. plus, i can't bring this into either workplace. so where do i lay this down?

okay God. i see where this is going...

so where do you lay your burdens down these days?