Not so cozy anymore...

some stuff is hard to swallow. pills that are dry and large. they're usually some form of medication to help you get better but not something i crave. i've never enjoyed taking meds. nyquil, sudafed, advil, ibuprofen, vitamins...they're all meant to aleviate you of something. usually it's pain. they don't get rid of the sickness though. they just get rid of the symptoms temporarily. maybe that's why some people become addicted to these.

who wants to deal with the real issues? not me. just gimme a pill. the bummer is that relief is temporary with this stuff. i feel the same way about this process of life i'm walking through. i'm insecure, paranoid and self-centered. meds to make me feel better: friends, church, work. where's Christ in all this? i guess He's also been used by me to make me feel better. the only difference between Christ and other meds is that He goes beyond my expectations. He's alive and His will is for my best. so even when i use Christ, He works on my behalf.

why don't i use Christ more often then? because He exposes everything. He's light. when you're sleeping at night and someone comes to turn on the lights, you squint and try to cover your eyes by either pulling the covers over your face or with a pillow...it takes you away from your comfortable state. there you were all cozy in bed and then this.

i've become cozy with way too much. it's not okay. the things that i battle with stem out of fear which stems out of pride. it's a pride issue. the world doesn't revolve around me but in my head it does. it's horrible because it ruins my life. it robs me of the joy of the journey, the process. i get mad at God often. "why did you place me in a place with all these people who are better than me??" "i hate this! i hate feeling this way! nobody cares about me!" is any of that true? well, nobody has actually told me this stuff but it's stuff i've collected from the past. does it match what the truth of God's word is? okay, well no but, BUT, there's always a but that limits me. i guess i partially believe the truth. i have a lot of head knowledge but i need it to be plugged into my heart. i can't function like this.

today one of our co-workers lost her husband. i was upset about it. but then i become more upset about myself. the things i struggle with. comparing myself to others. not trusting God. so there's the issue of my co-worker that should be my only concern but sadly i'm also thinking about myself..it's pride at the core...