Heartbreak Warfare

i really like the song....anyway, it seems like this is what goes on inside me. it's really a battle of the mind. it's something i desperately need to tackle this year. can't do it by myself though.

this is how i feel every time i put so much hope in humans i look up to. every time i compare myself to someone else who's better than me. everytime i get overlooked. when idols let me down. i care more about the opinions of certain people than about what pleases God. that's idolatry, right?

C R A Z Y. one part of me struggles with the thought of not being good enough because of verbal abuse from my mom. she didn't know what she was really doing. i don't blame her. she had to raise 5 kids mostly on her own while dad was out working long days and weeks even. she had a temper. she kept us all in check and it was a bit damaging BUT forgiveness is healing.

dad, when he came into town, was my hero. still is. he wasn't the discplinary because he was hardly home. he'd come to the rescue. i'd cry to my dad about how it sucked at home without him and his remedy was to take me out on shopping sprees. i became spoiled. but at the same time, i really treasured those times he took me out. i'll never forget when he took me out for coffee at ihop and asked me if he could get me a new mommy. ha! he told me he could find me a pretty blonde mommy who was nice if i wanted. so you see why quality time to me equals love. gifts do too but i mostly enjoyed the time with my dad than the shopping...although i do love shopping.

my relationship with my mom isn't the best but it's gotten better. so time has passed and i've started to heal and sometimes it feels like i'm always gonna be in the healing process. my heart breaks when people don't want to spend time with me. my heart breaks when i try to do my best and it's still not the best.

it's a war in my mind. prayer helps but i don't depend on it often as a weapon. sometimes i'm so upset that i don't want to talk about it even with God. it's humiliating. i don't know people in florida that well to dish this out to them. plus, i can't bring this into either workplace. so where do i lay this down?

okay God. i see where this is going...

so where do you lay your burdens down these days?