Rehab time

denying my flesh is like an alcoholic going through withdrawal...

it's so uncomfortable and painful and you can't see past the present....

the only thing you've known is to drink more alcohol...

same with flesh. doing what's inconvenient to me. doing the opposite of what i want to do.

you can kick scream cry sweat through the night.....it's almost unbearable and you see through hopeless lens...

but then the morning arrives....and the morning doesn't necessarily mean it's sometime in the a.m. you can awaken at any time and when you do, you can't believe you got through the night.

so things are turning. you may not feel it or see but it's happening. and when you do and the time is right, the microphone will be waiting.

you and i were made to be history makers and speakers of truth to all mankind. yep. good song.

Not so cozy anymore...

some stuff is hard to swallow. pills that are dry and large. they're usually some form of medication to help you get better but not something i crave. i've never enjoyed taking meds. nyquil, sudafed, advil, ibuprofen, vitamins...they're all meant to aleviate you of something. usually it's pain. they don't get rid of the sickness though. they just get rid of the symptoms temporarily. maybe that's why some people become addicted to these.

who wants to deal with the real issues? not me. just gimme a pill. the bummer is that relief is temporary with this stuff. i feel the same way about this process of life i'm walking through. i'm insecure, paranoid and self-centered. meds to make me feel better: friends, church, work. where's Christ in all this? i guess He's also been used by me to make me feel better. the only difference between Christ and other meds is that He goes beyond my expectations. He's alive and His will is for my best. so even when i use Christ, He works on my behalf.

why don't i use Christ more often then? because He exposes everything. He's light. when you're sleeping at night and someone comes to turn on the lights, you squint and try to cover your eyes by either pulling the covers over your face or with a pillow...it takes you away from your comfortable state. there you were all cozy in bed and then this.

i've become cozy with way too much. it's not okay. the things that i battle with stem out of fear which stems out of pride. it's a pride issue. the world doesn't revolve around me but in my head it does. it's horrible because it ruins my life. it robs me of the joy of the journey, the process. i get mad at God often. "why did you place me in a place with all these people who are better than me??" "i hate this! i hate feeling this way! nobody cares about me!" is any of that true? well, nobody has actually told me this stuff but it's stuff i've collected from the past. does it match what the truth of God's word is? okay, well no but, BUT, there's always a but that limits me. i guess i partially believe the truth. i have a lot of head knowledge but i need it to be plugged into my heart. i can't function like this.

today one of our co-workers lost her husband. i was upset about it. but then i become more upset about myself. the things i struggle with. comparing myself to others. not trusting God. so there's the issue of my co-worker that should be my only concern but sadly i'm also thinking about myself..it's pride at the core...

Dear Boo,

hey. hi. i hope you're happy. i'm still single because of you.

ah, it's okay. you're just taking a bit longer than i ever thought you would....

i'm more determined not to settle for anything less than you...along with a bunch of other dreams.

love music? i hope it's something we can bop our heads to like dorks in the car while you drive.
later.

your bride. :-)

Heartbreak Warfare

i really like the song....anyway, it seems like this is what goes on inside me. it's really a battle of the mind. it's something i desperately need to tackle this year. can't do it by myself though.

this is how i feel every time i put so much hope in humans i look up to. every time i compare myself to someone else who's better than me. everytime i get overlooked. when idols let me down. i care more about the opinions of certain people than about what pleases God. that's idolatry, right?

C R A Z Y. one part of me struggles with the thought of not being good enough because of verbal abuse from my mom. she didn't know what she was really doing. i don't blame her. she had to raise 5 kids mostly on her own while dad was out working long days and weeks even. she had a temper. she kept us all in check and it was a bit damaging BUT forgiveness is healing.

dad, when he came into town, was my hero. still is. he wasn't the discplinary because he was hardly home. he'd come to the rescue. i'd cry to my dad about how it sucked at home without him and his remedy was to take me out on shopping sprees. i became spoiled. but at the same time, i really treasured those times he took me out. i'll never forget when he took me out for coffee at ihop and asked me if he could get me a new mommy. ha! he told me he could find me a pretty blonde mommy who was nice if i wanted. so you see why quality time to me equals love. gifts do too but i mostly enjoyed the time with my dad than the shopping...although i do love shopping.

my relationship with my mom isn't the best but it's gotten better. so time has passed and i've started to heal and sometimes it feels like i'm always gonna be in the healing process. my heart breaks when people don't want to spend time with me. my heart breaks when i try to do my best and it's still not the best.

it's a war in my mind. prayer helps but i don't depend on it often as a weapon. sometimes i'm so upset that i don't want to talk about it even with God. it's humiliating. i don't know people in florida that well to dish this out to them. plus, i can't bring this into either workplace. so where do i lay this down?

okay God. i see where this is going...

so where do you lay your burdens down these days?

so it's 2010!

everybody's excited on new year's day. every year there's a theme. we celebrate time. we change over time. looking back at 2009, i learned so much. haven't practiced it all yet but i will.

we're made for such a time as this. we're here for a purpose. i can't imagine life without God. God's purpose is timeless. i'd just be floating around like blah. do i make any sense?

my challenge this year is to really make the effort to know who God is. this affects everything. for a long time i've struggled with insecurity, basing my value on the people i get attention from and the amount of people....pretty much what any self-centered person struggles with...and i've also been basing my value on looks and like if i don't look a certain way, then my whole life is conducted by that....the truth is that none of those things are secure. we all grow old and die. it's just tough because i've lived believing lies for so long that i easily slip back into those thought patterns....when i look at magazines, observe other people who get stuck into thinking the way that i don't wanna think anymore....it's false security....a spouse won't give me more security. money won't give me more security. looks won't give me more security...all those fade away...

God, help me with my unbelief.

what's the stuff in your life you want to overcome in 2010?

:::: Hope ::::

sometimes we place our hope in other things, people...

all those are earthly and temporary.

i need to place my hope in something bigger than myself, someone eternal. God.

that's something i've realized i've been messing up on.

prayer is something i've gradually underestimated. me. a Christian.

i was reading max lucado's newest book, fearless, and something that stuck out to me was that the sunshine of our confessions disrobes the fears we have.

when we choose not to bring things up to God, we're allowing them power over us and consequently choose to live a defeated life.

Happy XMAS

first one w/o family.

it's a bit past midnight into this day we all usually gather on.

the presents. the houses packed. the smiles. the hugs. the laughs. the loud voices. the loads of food. the in-laws. the boyfriends. the girlfriends. the cousins. the aunts. the uncles. the movies. the games. the shopping trips to target.

all these things i already miss.

but it's ok. i mean, it's time for change. if we hold on to this life, then we're not really living.

i can't believe i've made it this far. next week i get to be on the air for 4 straight days to cover for our mid-day personality. little by little i'm hearing people take notice of me on the air. it's encouraging because it happens every time i start to get discouraged living here in florida. like tonight at church this girl and i were chatting and talking about where i work. she asked what i did at the joy fm, if i was one of the voices, and then i told her "yes, i'm leslie.." (didn't finish my sentence) she flipped! she told me i was one of her favorite dj's along with jayar..to be placed in the same sentence as him...wow. what an honor. she told me she liked me and him because we sound normal...wow. so anyway, that made my night...who doesn't like receiving compliments? especially when you're having a down day....

our radio consultant told me to just be myself and that people would love me. i was afraid. i guess that fear of rejection...anyway, i've always felt ashamed that i'm a bit extra materialistic and girly...but i'm slowly just letting it out. i'm a girl. a real one. not perfect. just like you.

...i love radio. so this xmas, i guess what i thank God for is that i am where i am for His purpose. i'm thankful for purpose. Jesus gives me purpose in life.
in mark 10:45 he says it best:
"For even the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."