Hey-Hey! Happy V-Day 2012!

you'd think that with that super perky title that i'm in such a great mood due to my hot man i have by my side.

but oh contrare...

i don't have a hot man.

but i'll tell you what i do have. a LOT.

okay so i'm gonna open up here...really briefly...

this past sunday i felt like i really messed up. my emotions were all jacked up thanks to that blessing of womanhood approaching every month...hey i'm thankful that means i can have babies someday...

annnyway, so i just got really upset...overreacted...i reacted out of my past instead of reacting out of my present-God's everlasting unchanging truth...make sense? anyway, i felt so lame yesterday. mad. at myself really.

and it sucked that saturday i felt so liberated and aware of God's truth...so fast-foward to last night...i turned off the telly and decided i wanted to read and be reminded of God's love for me because somehow i lack revelation..so i started reading this chapter from this book titled passion for JEsus...and it talked about how committed and devoted God is to me...how even in my immaturity, He sees me as lovely and delightful and beautiful...

frog. in. throat.

so out of heaven, i was gonna say "out of nowhere.." but i know it's out of heaven...all this love gushed through the walls of my guarded heart...it's like a hoover dam busted...i cried and i cried and i cried.

how could this God of the universe love me? i'm so messed up. i'm overweight. i wear makeup to hide my zits. i'm not a neat and tighty person. i don't cook. i'm selfish.

but yet He loves me. and not because he needs to...but because He chooses to.

God's love makes me cry.

i feel like i got a love bath last night.

God's love is so cleansing.

i pray this love continues to stir me into a more fervent radical lover of God.

that's it.

happy v-day y'all!

How CRAY-CRAY!! Right?!!

and how can i not post about it...

Whitney Houston's been a huge "American Idol" since the 80's when I grew up and I still can't believe she was pronounced dead at 3:55pm yesterday...

I'm sure lots of people hit rewind through their day to remember where they were at and what they were doing at about 3:55pm yesterday...i was at home, eating, watching "addicted to love" because it was all that was good on the telly...

it's like when princess diana died...or when i found out about heath ledger...heath was the only one i cried over...

how could i grieve over people i've never met?? i mean, it doesn't make sense, right?

well, even though i was never a part of their lives, i let them into my life...growing up into adulthood...their songs/careers created the soundtracks to so many moments of my life...

like right now, i can tell you that whitney houston's "i wanna dance with somebody" is a song that reminds me of my best roommate ever, brandy wahlman. she created this mix that we'd listen to almost every time we were in her car which included that whitney houston song along with eye of the tiger.. great memories...

what tears me up about this is that the enemy goes around like a fangless lion still devouring lives...when i heard of whitney's death, the thought "another one bites the dust..." came to mind...did she give her life to Jesus at the last minute like we all hope....i don't know. you don't know. ok. so none of us know. God does.

and as sad as all this news is, makes me think, ok. God wants our focus to be on Him. the stuff that concerns Him needs to concern us. people die every day. rockstars and non-rockstars...

we all need Jesus. i'm not trying to make this some super Christian blog but JEsus is JEsus. I'm not gonna abbreviate His name to make Him sound cool or more appealing or less offensive.

point blank, eternity is the focus here. death sucks. but i appreciate the reminder that it is.

am i living for what matters most? am i keeping the main thing, the main thing?

Jesus. His grace. His forgiveness. His life. His Spirit. His power. His is ours. He's what we're all searching for, longing for...it's Him.

hello 2012...a month late...hahaha

wow. if this blog were my child i'd be reported for neglect to cps by now...

alrighty...let's get straight to it..

started this year off sick...sinus nasal congestion, throatiness and after 3 weeks, i had a week of no sickness and now i'm sick again...

booo!

and the sad part is i don't lose my appetite! haha.. i still eat! i was craving egg drop soup the other day so i ordered away...along with some fwied wice! ;-)

being sick again, i was sent home from work because who wants to hear a man sounding raspy voice on the radio? not meeeeeeee...so i went to a walk-in clinic...finally! used my health insurance cahhh-d, first time! it actually worked! got me some antibiotics!

being home from wednesday to thursday gave me a taste of what a stay-at-home wife/mom gets to see on the telly....and honestly, the only shows i'm diggin' are "the view," "the nate berkus show," and "the ellen show." i loooove ellen!

anyway, no offense but i couldn't handle being a stay-at-home anything...like, today, i was still sick but who wants to stay at home all day? not me!! i got up, got my hair did, makeup on, pink lips, plaid coat and silver toms! i was eager to get back to work..sort of....it's such a drag having to blow my nose every 7 seconds, or having to gag out phlegm...gross, i know...

at least i felt cute. got some work done and came back home. in bed. laptop on my lap and the ellen show's coming up! hahaha...i can't wait for the grammy's this sunday!! woohoo!!

phlegm and grammy's,

your leslie on the radio...well off the radio until i get better!

:-)

YOO HOOO?? Anybody in here??

seems like this blog is hollow. it's partially my fault but it's okay...

a lot has happened since that last march entry below...

freedom from so much hurt. emotional and spiritual clean-sweep. God is so good.

thank You God. guess i should go to bed before the new day takes off without me...

if you're in here, make yourself at home. get what you want. it's okay if you don't say hi.

may God continue to guide you into the destiny He specially designed just for you.

oh. and btw, the new passion cd, "waiting here for you," is a must-download.

Epic-ness!

Life is going so swell that I guess I neglected this blog. Oopsies...Just so you know, my most recent blog addition is a collaberative effort, http://www.epicchronicles.com/
This blog was created by my friend, Stoney Noell. It consists of many expressions and voices, all inspiring people to one thing; to live the Epic lives we have been born to live, in and through Jesus Christ. Each month we'll be diving into topics using our many points of view.

Another blog I have been more bloggy at is http://www.leslieprieto.tumbr.com/. This is my personal blog about life as a girl learning how to work at a radio station with a missional focus for New England. It's very similar to this blog but it's more regularly updated. So if it's too many blogs for you to read, you can stay reading this blog, but if you get ansy, feel free to check out my blog on Tumblr and at Epic Chronicles.

So today was awesome! Actually, this whole weekend has been awesome!! God is so faithful. The weather was beautiful and it motivated me to do some spring cleaning. I decided it was time to get the spring bags out.
This is the same picture just on a different setting on my app...isn't it groovy?? LOVE it!

















Plus, I thought if I want friends to come over, I need to have a clean place, and maybe that will help motivate me some more and keep me accountable to maintaining a neat living space open for company whenever. This is how messy it was..



I had a long Saturday but it was well worth it. I'll take pictures of my clean place later...


This weekend went so well because I love what God is doing. At church we're learning about net-worth and how we can be better stewards of what God has entrusted us with. I want to be able to give freely the way God does. It's gonna be a process but I know I was made for this. We all were. "To whom much is given, much is required.." and alrighty then! Something else that made this weekend super awesome was that I was carrying some stuff on my heart. Stuff that was sort of like unecessary drama. I was upset about somethings and part of it was me just misunderstanding some things and the other part was me just being a selfish beast. I have a lot to learn. But I'm thankful I get to live it out. I prayed for God to bring resolution and boom! He did it again! I love Him. HE says for us to walk in the light in 1 John 1:7 so that we can have fellowship with Him and others and it totally makes sense. I hate confrontation but I'm beginning to love it. It's for our own good and the good of others that we are to call each other out in love. I'm so glad. Love is so strong and able to carry all the weight. Nothing to heavy for Love to lift off.


So I feel such a freedom from getting things out of my head and heart onto a silver platter for my friend to see and examine. It's done with and all is well.


Something else that made this weekend so enjoyable was that I got to spend time with my pastor's family. Once a month they invite visitors to have breakfast at their house and even though I'm no longer a visitor, I went this time as moral support to others....Ha! Okay, Okay, free food is a great incentive but something else I enjoy just as much is fellowship. It was good conversation, breakfast, coffee, prayer and laughs. I love that I'm here. I keep thinking how blessed I am. I get to have this community to live life with and coming from Florida where I felt so alone, this is a glimpse of heaven. I feel super priveleged, honored to be here. This is one of the delights of my own heart God is fulfilling. It hasn't been an easy road, but God has proven to be Most FAITHFUL. If you choose to know who God is, your life will never be the same. He's real and loves us and wants the best for us, so why not put our trust and hope in Him? Right? :-)


Okay...so one more thing made this weekend extra delightful...
BUT don't worry, I didn't go crazy...only got a few items...

The End. :-)

Fasting..not so Fun..

Well..It’s not something I’d describe as “Fun.” It’s something like sobering up after a hangover. And you realize what you did the night before..you can’t remember how you ended up where you are…You only drank so you could loosen up a bit and relax, hopefully forget about the stuff that’s been bothering you…so that cosmo was super appealing, and so was the one after that, and the one after that…and boom, “what was bothering me?? …i like pandas! let’s go look for a panda!”

okay, well, i feel like life without God is one big hangover waiting to happen…we try to push God away because we all know He opens up a can of worms. issues. God exposes beyond the surface…

fasting to me has been like waking up with a bad hangover. sobering up. you’d think i was a drunkard from all this talk about hangovers but reality is i’ve never really had a hangover. i’ve just been really observant of others with hangovers. that, and i’ve watched lots of television.

so for the past 13 days i’ve been fasting something. i don’t wanna say because i guess according to the Bible i’m not supposed to let people know i’m fasting…like “oh woe is me…poor me…” but that’s not why i’m blogging. not my motive, so i guess it’s okay to say what i’ve been fasting. i’m a -aholic to a lot of things in life. coffee. shopping. facebook. sweets. television. gossipping. makeup.

but to fast all those would require me to just die. literally. laugh. it’s okay. i just did. um, so what i felt like i’ve been giving sooo much of my life to was facebook and television. so this is what i’ve come to realize thus far. life without facebook and my favorite television shows is lonely. i was using facebook and television as outlets. to vent. to blow some steam. yeah, i knew God was somewhere but just not in my apartment. i found myself crying this week. life is lonely. who do i talk to? who do i ask for prayer? who do i talk to about the stuff that got on my nerves today? God? really? REALLY?

so I did. I gossipped to God. btw, am I spelling that correctly? gosssssippppping.. yep, except when you gossip to God it’s totally sin-free. i love sin-free like i love fat-free pringles. mmmm…gimme more. so I’ve been gossipping to God. it’s been neat. He actually does something about it. or lets me cool off and softens my heart and then delivers me instruction on what to do about it. i love a God i can gossip to. He’s safe. He’s right. always available.

oh and btw, i fell off the wagon a couple of times (fb) but i didn’t quit. i’m not a quitter. i’m an overcomerrrr! muahahaha!

Stuffed and ready for more!

(this blog's gonna be kinda random but i promise it won't be depressing)it's now been a week since i arrived home to texas for the holidays and i'm already dreading the saying goodbye part. i've had such a great time with my family and i wish my days were always full of family time.

been stuffing my face like crazy and i feel like there've been lots of God-moments since the week i left. by "God-moments" i mean i've had some rich conversations with strangers and with family.

just finished eating some of my dad's famous fajitas and my mom's amazing beans with rice, then my sister's amazing cake and coffee...it's safe to say i am stuffed! i didn't even want to move earlier because i was so full...pushed myself off the bed to do something other than nap. Sunday naps are the best but can be dangerous right after such stuffage of the face. i've had like no self-discipline in my eating during this vacay...i eat and eat and eat...it's soooo good..the food..

alright, lets get down to business...taking a look back at this year, i think God's always so merciful to me. i could very well be His favorite.. don't hate...i'm sure HE somehow loves you the same...haa

i want to apologize for the plethora of depressing blog entries i've produced since the beginning...things are changing and i've learned...i'm ready for more to learn but with a new perspective..there's a slight fear attached to me saying all that...like "oh man, what if some bad stuff has to happen for more learning? who likes having bad stuff to deal with?? not me.."

next year i want to get to the root of the things that hinder me from walking closer to God. i want to ask those hard questions without fear of what the answers are. i want my mission in life to be, making Jesus famous with all i got.

it's His will, right?

k...nap time!

Music, Coffee Shop, The Holidays

i love all the christmas decor. i love the music. sitting in a coffee shop is cozy. it makes for a bloggy mood.

i'm single and i think now i have a healthy dose of alone time.

before, i think i had too much time alone that it sort of made me resent married couples. bad. i know.

most people thought it weird that an outgoing girl like myself was having trouble connecting. there were single people i knew but no real connections.

it's easy to automatically point the finger at me. i even did. i would ask God what was wrong with me. i missed my nashville friends so much.

the only explanation i have is that it was a season God wanted me to grow through. this was the season of me being a student.

i don't think i made all the right choices to fully grow in that season but i'm still thankful for the stuff i did grow in.

spiritually, i don't think i've grown too much. i take full responsibility for that. i know i could make more of an effort but havent. well, not until now.

the people i'm surrounded by are all about their faith. they live it, so it makes me wanna live it. it's been like a week that i've not been so livin' it. by that i mean, like, i haven't watered the plants. no bible, yes some prayer but slackin'. i don't want to wake up earlier than i already have to. guess my flesh is king these days. i get home and i want to be lulled by the television. i don't even have the good cable.

excuses excuses. that bothers me. something else that bothers me is something that happened last night. i went to a cell-group and as an ice breaker we bounced a ball of questions around. my question was "what/who would you give your life for?" the christian answer would be "Jesus." I said it. honestly i've not thought about that. i don't wanna just say something because it's proper or because it's the christian response. i wanna say i would die for JEsus because i know in my heart without a doubt. would i sacrifice all for Him? if someone were to put a gun to my head and ask me to deny Jesus exists, i'd argue back with the truth that He does but do i have all the ammunition to defend myself? oh man, i'm waaaay over analyzing here...remember colombine? "do you believe in God?" basically, if i said "yes," i wanna die for saying "yes" from the bottom of my heart. that's all my drama these days..

Thanks and Giving...

just realized this holiday is made up of 2 verbs back to back. interesting.

people usually say "thanks" after you give them something.

some people give things as a way of saying "thank you."

anyway, it's now a little over a month that i've been working at the q99.7, a new radio station in feeding hills, mass. october was a bit extra stressful due to the annual pledge drive to raise money so we can stay on the air. i'm still learning where everything's at.

there are days i stay late just catching up. i'm on the morning show and on mid-days. i'm supposed to do office work in between and i guess after. this tires me. but i'm not here to complain. i'm thankful i have this job. this is what i've always dreamed of doing. if i don't get rest, too bad. i'm gonna stick it through. i'm gonna fight.

first time in my life i only have to worry about cleaning my toilet and no one else's.

first time in my life i get to sleep in on the weekends.

first time in my life i have a set schedule 5 days out of the week.

first time i get to talk and encourage on 2 shows in one day every day!

first time i get to be a part of those "work meetings" every week.

first time i get to live on my own in a city that experiences all 4 seasons.

first time i get to make coffee because i want to, not because i have to.

i get to give encouragement to people who've grown up without it.

i get to know those people that are usually portrayed on movies like home alone and all those east-coast-ish based movies. i'm living in the midst of it.

so anyway, i'm thankful and i don't wanna forget all this when things get stressful...i love that my work place allows me to stop, ask for prayer/encouragement to go on and do the best that i can do. that's my goal. i want to do my best. best part about this job is that it's FUN!!

p.s. if you like the picture i posted, you can find more at http://www.epiclifecreative.com/

it's been 2 weeks since you looked at me....

living in massachussetts. it’s a long name to spell. aside spelling it out, i love it.

the new job is still new but it’s never boring. i get to be surrounded by a team who loves Jesus and He’s the center of this whole radio ministry. it’s that missional focus that lured me in. sure it can get a bit stressful but it’s only when others get stressed…sometimes it could me, sometimes it could be others. there’s some that are always steadfast and i’m glad i get to be sharpened by them. i need to learn how to be steadfast. to hold on to the truth over whatever my circumstance.

it’s so crazyto think that i’m seeing faces of new england i have never seen before and God had it all planned. these faces i would see some day. here we are. every face has a story. i wonder. the lady in her black and white coat, what’s her story? that couple sitting in the booth across from me, what’s their story? the lady that asked me to move out of my seat yesterday, what’s her story? if i keep this in mind, i hope compassion keeps stirring into flame…

i’m still praying about what church i’m supposed to be a part of but then again, i kinda feel like i already belong in one. the question is, do i feel this way because i work with a lot of those people at my job, or is this another comfort zone i need to avoid? like, are the connections i’ve made with these specific people part of God’s plan to lead me in the right direction? i’m gonna pray about it some more.

i wanna pray more. i need more of that in my life. whatever happened to praying and believing God would do what He said He would do if we did? feels like i just faded out of believing in santa clause or somethin’..

all this to say, i love it here in massachussetts. it’s dark. it’s unchurched. it’s where i belong. not because there are people like me. it’s because there aren’t. i’m not sayin’ oh look at me, i’m perfect. no. what i am sayin’ is i have hope. hope is here. i’m just another candle to add to the mantle here in new england. hoping to expand the radius of hope in a dark cold place. not everybody is cold during the cold. but there’s a huge chunk of glaciers that need thawing. i’m here to be of use. i’m thankful. this excites me. my drama can be used to thaw. how cool. so if you think of me, pray for courage. it’s not always easy to be open and transparent but i think that’s why it’s so powerful…

if i stick with Jesus, i guess fear will be demolished. pray for me to keep coming to God for everything, every day. i can’t do this alone.

6 days left in florida...

did my last saturday show today...felt all choked up...i'm just extremely grateful to the joy fm and the listeners who really just make up the station as a whole. we wouldn't be a radio station at it's full potential without the listeners. just wouldn't flourish. i love that non-profit radio stations can have that special relationship with listeners. we both grow in our giving of the resources we've been allotted...we're a community. for that reason, i love Christian radio. i haven't heard of any mainstream radio stations that are that connected with their listeners.

i feel like i owe them all so much. the joy fm staff for giving me a chance at this craft and discovering how much i really do love it. the listeners for giving me seconds of their time to learn all this. it's been such a rich radio experience and outside radio, living in florida has been a stretch; an uncomfortable one. like wearing shoes that don't fit. but if you gotta cross over on hot coals, no matter how tight the shoes are, you'll wear'em and they'll work for you while you cross over to the other side...

so yeah, in 6 days i'll be on my way to massachussetts, where fall and winter do exist. wow.

..ventilation..

whether you include me in your plans or mention my name or not..doesn't give me value but i still don't get it. my feelings are still hurt...i'm sick of being overlooked..

it's like a relationship of unrequitted love. you know when you're more into somebody than they're into you? that's what it feels like anyway..

i hate feeling this way. rejection sucks.

i'm so tired of this struggle. but i guess not tired enough because i always come back to it.

maybe if i looked a certain way, was extra skillful or rich, then they'd include me more..

solomon would say this is all "meaningless, a chase after the wind.." and i guess he'd be right..

i'm just venting...

boohoooo

ever have those days when you just don't get it?

i'm tryin' to be as objective as possible but it's like a thorn in my flesh that keeps pokin' right at the center of my heart...

ever since i was a kid maybe i sorta felt left out...

i wasn't planned by my parents and my siblings and i joke about how everything stopped when i was born...family trips and all that stuff because you can't take a baby on rides...

i was the surprise...

maybe i took all that to heart...ah, i don't know but it's something i struggle with off and on. it's weird though because my personality today doesn't match my past.

ever since i realized who Jesus Christ is and what He did for me, it's like a click happened between my brain and my heart..but after that the issues still remain..now it's like my job to work through all this mess..

all this resurfaced today (happens off and on)...i didn't get to go to something i really wanted to go to...like nobody thought, hey it's leslie's last month, maybe she'd wanna go with us? nope. earth to me. the world doesn't revolve around me. duh. boohoo. so needless to say, all these feelings of being left out are triggered and i'm upset, sad but trying to look up.

talked to God about it yesterday...part of me wonders if i should've asked if i could go. but then that's just like me the little sister asking if i could tag along and who likes that? i don't know, maybe i should've asked...ah well. the truth is that if God thought it necessary for me to go, he would've had me go. God is faithful and i need to trust that. so faithful.

anytime this thorn in my flesh pokes, i don't wanna give in to the lie that i'm missing out but it's habit. man, God is so good though...He's makin' my dreams come true. He really hears every cry and even last night when i was struggling with this whole thing of "everybody gets to go except for me," it's like hello! i'm not married with children, tied down that this would be my only chance at fun..i can get up go anywhere i want. plus, the new adventure God's so generously bestowed upon me! i get to move to mass. for my first full-time radio gig! ..so neat, like, God knows my favorite things and He's setting it up just like that...my favorite weather, lifestyle, shopping...sounds cheesy but God's creator of it all...even cheese, which i sooo love, btw..

plus, i guess my kind of theme park is the mall or h&m. the only time i'd ride a rollercoaster is if the weather is cool enough...last year i got to go to disney world for the first time and only got on 2 or 3 rides...it was fun but i think i would have more fun sitting in a coffeeshop spending time chatting with good friends and laughing. i love laughing. may God never take that away from me. and if He would, i'd still get to laugh in heaven i'm sure. i wonder why there's no documentation of Jesus laughing...there's a verse that says he wept...wrote on the ground..but i know He laughed. we're made in His image and come on, he camped out with a bunch of simpletons...they had to have laughed...

k, back on topic..i'll get over it. i asked God if i'll ever overcome this thorn of mine and turns out that we'd be perfect if we didn't have a thorn in our flesh...i guess we all have a thorn. we all have a weakness. it's what's supposed to propel us to lean on God's grace, strength..and not our own. okay. but in His grace, strength, we do overcome moment by moment..

oh and aside my little drama...9 years ago today our world was changed on september 11, 2001 when the world trade center was demolished by terrorist attacks...3,000 lives lost...i hope it never happens again..

Like A Lion

it's my anthem and it was written by daniel bashta...

Like A Lion

Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To see a revolution somehow.
Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To bring a revolution somehow

Pre- chorus
Now I'm lost in your freedom
This world I'll overcome.

Chorus:
My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

Verse 2:
Let hope arise and make the darkness hide
My faith is dead
I need a resurrection somehow

Bridge:
Let Heaven roar and fire fall
come shake the ground
with the sound of revival

"Never, Never, No Never give up!"

it's a winston churchill quote that i just read in somebody else's facebook page favorite quotes...

i thought i'd own it too...

i love hope.

hope runs through my veins.

it's what rolls off my tongue...(well not all the time but it's my heart to do that more)

it's what i eat for lunch. (tryin' to be all figurative-ish..hehe)

it's where i rest.

hope. (so beautiful..i love it.)

it all began on the day when everything impossible was deemed possible...some call it the "resurrection" and i call it the day hope was born for all mankind.

there i was doing my job. another day. borderline mundane if it weren't for the fact i am passionate about the area of work i was engaged in...radio ministry. so i get a phone call. and it's from an old friend i made in nashville. he used to be the producer for a popular christian radio station there. i was a volunteer turned board-op within months...oh yeah, i was pro..lol i remember one of my friends sayin' "a monkey could do this..." so call me a monkey! i did it well. i would stay after hours making lanyards, organizing the promotions room, editing audio, answering phones, whatever i could do to show them i wanted to be a part of the team...i guess i was already a part of the team but to me it didn't feel like i was a part of the team unless i got a job there...so that became my mission...i tried and tried...no cigar...

i remember hearing the producer say "doesn't it bother you that you're doing all the work and somebody else is getting paid for it?" and i'd shy away and say "don't say that!" but the truth was yeah it frickin' bothered me because i, unlike some of their employees, wanted to be there! i think it's not fair when people are at a job especially in media (cuz it's so hard to get a media job) and they're just coasting away just because it pays the bills...no passion really...just because you're good at something doesn't mean you have passion to do it. if you're not passionate about it, let somebody else do it who DOES have passion. there are people who are dying to even have a chance at being inside the building you call "work." when i was a board-op in nashville i met this other guy who was doing the same job at that station and one day he told me he was quitting...and i thought he was crazy! see, i wanted to work in radio so badly that even this little job was a "foot in the door" to me...anyway, he went on to explain to me that he wasn't passionate about it and he didn't wanna keep somebody else from gettin' their foot in the door...wow...just sayin' give somebody else a shot...you'll be glad you did. :-)

i'm super thankful to actually know what i'm made to do. i know what my craft is. i'm still an amateur but happy to be one! hehe...anyway, man, i'm going all over the place here...okay so the producer i made friends with in nash, called me up and offered me a job at his station in feeding hills, massachusetts! after consulting with my radio mentor, i knew this was my next step but i just wanted to be sure...so i talked it over with old church peeps and family and God...and then, behold, i saw a hotpink neon sign that said: "LESLIE GO FOR IT!!!"

jusssst kidding. i so wanted that though. so steps of faith are basically giving more weight to what you know about God and what he's done in your life versus the "what-if's" of life. so i'm making the next step. i should title this season of life as "the next step," because it's all i've been hearing ever since then...just to make it clear, this is my first full-time radio gig!!! yeah!!! wooooo!!! never in my wildest dreams did i ever see this coming!

i was a suicidal, eating disorder girl who was tryin' to find her identity in a guy and anything else on earth years ago...and God found me on the floor of my dorm in iowa...crying because of the pain my life was causing me...well, it was my choices...i told God i didn't wanna live that way anymore and that i knew he made me for something greater and i asked him to forgive me for not living the life he intended for me...i was ruined from there on...

God makes something out of nothing. water to wine. beautiful creation out of emptiness...

if you have dreams, don't give up. it's not far-fetched. a real dream won't let you sleep at night. a question i asked myself once was: "if you were to die tomorrow, what's the job you'd dream of doing?" if you're sort of "iffy" on what your purpose in life is or what you were made to do, no worries, keep asking God...He'll lead you to the right opportunities...one step at time. step one: trust him.

but something good to remember is put your hope in him, not in anything else. i'm learning that..sometimes i think that's a choice i need to make on a daily basis. putting my hope in him, his mysterious ways...i can't believe this is happening to me!!! ahhh!!! :-) i'm honored really. this radio station is a baby, only 3 years old and i'm honored to be a part of the raising it up to be a shining beacon of hope for many in the new england area. i look forward to learning from all of this too...i wanna be a beacon of hope too you know...yep. so...

never, never, no never give up.

Hope never disappoints

the whole purpose of this blog is coming full circle...

if you read to your right, you'll see the purpose.

i've been documenting my journey...

and so now what do you think has happeneD??

:-)

welp...yep.

more details soon!!!

youth camp came and went but

was super!

i mean the food and activities sucked but the fellowship i had with the girls was priceless.

it was worth it. i mean, i was on my period and pretty bitchy but still not bitchy enough to squeeze out love. love remains. love girds.

it's soooo cool to see someone understand something for the very first time. to see them click. i saw that this past week at youth camp. i got to hear these kids' stories and man, i love'em even more now.

whenever ppl. go through sucky times, it's a given that's what God's gonna use to point others to Him. how could that be good for God? well, because He makes beautiful things out of ugly things...he makes something out of nothing....turns water to wine...that type of stuff. miraculousness.

so we are.

praying, waiting, praying

it's this new season approaching..

by the end of next week i'll know where all this will be going.

by the end of next week life will change for the better.

i say that not knowing the outcome but knowing the creator of it all.

time with family and friends has been good.

time with the rents...they ask a lot of questions...make me think about stuff i don't feel like thinking about...heck, i just want a vacay from thinking.

speaking of thinking...

have you ever texted/emailed someone and they don't respond? opens up a novel of assumptions..."i annoy you. you're mad at me. you're weirded out by me for some reason. you don't care much about me like i care about you. you're sick of me. i'm not that important to you.." those are the thoughts that fly around my brain..

i don't know why i care so much about what you think. i guess i just wanna be loved, accepted...and it seems that even though God has accepted me, i'm still not satisfied. there must be something i'm not understanding..
lame. i know. it's where i be.
ah well. gah lee, this all sounds so boohoo but it's me just being honest...not expecting a reaction.

just realized that as much as we try to love, our love is still tainted..and..

lately i've been pretty jerky to my parents. the 2 people who love me unconditionally. they may get on my nerves but i love them. i think the reason i'm such a jerk to them is because of all the times i've had to hold in the jerk-in-me from people who aren't family..i put the mask on. i let it snowball....forget to unload it to God...and so it's easy to just let it loose and take it out on family because i know they won't fire me or disown me...i can't keep collecting the jerkynessess...must dispose of them to God somehow...is it simply in confessing this to God where all this crap is released? the whole depths of the sea thing? i'll try it and let you know..

i'm a radio, i'm a radio girl...

get it? instead of a material girl, i'm a...k, cheesy, i know..

come august it'll be 1 year of doing live breaks on the air.

man, it's been a tough road.

most of the hurdles have just been battle of the mind type of stuff. big.

it's like somebody's tryin' to sabotage my destiny.

i wonder who...

sometimes i keep my walls up. sometimes i let them come down. but then there's that slight regret or regret of letting them down.

making friends in florida's still not the easiest but it's slowly progressing. slowly.

i say that carefully. i mean, sure i have fun co-workers at both my jobs but that doesn't mean we're hangout buddy material for each other, and that's okay. it's not a put-down on any party. it's just how things are.

takes time to make real friends. with that said. i'm afraid to assume people are my friends...

okay, you know what's been such a battle? wanting to be loved so badly. and it's not even by the opposite or same sex. lol it's just in general. i've been asking God why the heck do i feel such a need?? tryin' to retrace my steps...i mean, i have a great loving family-not perfect by any means but good enough. i feel this huge burden to be loved by people i trust. does that sound odd? i mean, shouldn't it be the other way around? burdened to love others? oh man, and then there's this fear of rejection that pretty much parallels with worry. no bueno..

oh man, there've been times when i've almost lost it. like just insane battle. it's spiritual. i was born insecure. we all are. we all have the need to be loved. because we live in a fallen world, we're not sure of what love is at times. thankfully God came up with the big book called the Bible. inside he gives us a blueprint for love. 1 cor. 13. one of the things that love isn't is self-seeking. if this whole chapter were a job application i'd be underqualified. sounds brutal but you go read that thing...it's real and true.

i think most of my stupid decisions and thoughts are cooked up by this insane need to be loved. i know God loves me and unconditionally at that, but so why am i still behaving this way? it's funny now that i think of it, how God knows that i'm selfish and this "why me" phase doesn't phase him. he still loves me...gently lets me know, hey just fix your mind on me and then none of this will bother you. touche.

at my radio job, it's hard not to compare myself to others. they're all better than me in so many ways. i mean they've all been in radio way longer than i have... i wish i was good at lots of things but i'm not. all i have is this passion to do an on-air show that doesn't suck. i just have this passion to be able to make radio into a more personal relationship with strangers. all i have is this passion to speak life. to make smiles miles away. that's my thing i guess. sadly it doesn't provide that much value. only time will give any of this value i guess...but seth godin is right. validation is overrated. i've already been validated. God's the author of my destiny. it's the only explanation i have for being where i am. you'd believe it too if you saw water turn to wine. well, i'm the water.

God's been sooo gracious, man. i'll be covering mid-days for the next 2 weeks. and then after that, i'll be on sundays in addition to saturdays. thinking about how i've been making coffee for strangers for almost 5 years might kill my "i can't believe i'm on the radio"-buzz but that's okay. i know God is good. like, you don't even know....when i get open and vulnerable with God, it's when i see God, who He is. love. makes me teary. how can this massive diety understand and have the capacity to love the most undeserving? hell, i don't know but i'll fall heavy in his arms if he'll have me. and so that's what i do.

SEX and The City...but without

the sex. i stumbled onto this show months ago on tbs...sex sells. i'm guilty of using it to lure you into reading my blog...hehe

something about the word "sex" just always made me wanna keep my distance. not that sex is wrong but it's just not part of my lifestyle. there's other stuff more important...

so anyway, aside the sex, i can sooo relate with these 4 single women. my favorite character is carrie bradshaw played by sarah jessica parker...there's something about a straight-up hardcore fashionista smoking a cigarrette that makes me wanna do it too, forgetting how much i hate the stench it leaves on people...

the only parts i can't relate with are the sex ones.

1. because i've never had sex.

2. sex isn't my world...not just because of not ever doing it but it's just not at the center of what i care about...so why this blog? k, just keep reading.

i was sorta justifying it in my head that it was okay to watch this show because hey, these are single women just like me (minus the casual sexing)...waiting for mr. right....they love to shop and especially for shoes! plus, they know what it's like to be the single person invited to an all-married activity...getting invited to your friend's kid's bday parties and being the only one there who's not a mom and not a kid...you're just in between...feels like adolescence all over again.

don't get me wrong. i love my friendships with my married mommas but this is just reality. i'll be at one of these parties, baby showers and the question from a random invitee is "which kid is yours?" and then there's "oh you're not married?"

nope. i'm not. it's cool. i'm fine. just makes it awkward when married people have lived in A married world for so long that they sort of assume we're all married. (not all but most)

anyway, to the point of this blog. i found comfort in watching sex and the city. it also made me feel like a rebel for watching a show that revolves around single women's sex lives. that's normal. people have sex outside of marriage and inside of marriage all the time. just not me. but i want to someday. shows like these make me wanna know what it's like even more. and even though it's on tbs, the sensuality is pretty graphic, so then my mind flashes these images at random times. it's odd and embarassing....

that ever happen to you? random flashes of people going at it? it's either from stuff you've seen or just assumptions of it...weird, but i can't help but think, "she got knocked up by her hubby or some guy," any time i see a pregnant woman. if i see a married couple, the thought is "they have sex. they like do it whenever they want. crazy." lol oh man, i can't believe how awkward this is getting...haaa...annnnyway....

i decided i'd stop watching sex and the city. even though it's comforting to watch other single women venture out on finding mr. right, it's not reality for me. i'm not trying on every shoe that's on sale. i'm saving my money for the best, most unique pair of shoes my feet will ever step into. they'll fit just right and look super cute...totally worth it. :-)