SEX and The City...but without

the sex. i stumbled onto this show months ago on tbs...sex sells. i'm guilty of using it to lure you into reading my blog...hehe

something about the word "sex" just always made me wanna keep my distance. not that sex is wrong but it's just not part of my lifestyle. there's other stuff more important...

so anyway, aside the sex, i can sooo relate with these 4 single women. my favorite character is carrie bradshaw played by sarah jessica parker...there's something about a straight-up hardcore fashionista smoking a cigarrette that makes me wanna do it too, forgetting how much i hate the stench it leaves on people...

the only parts i can't relate with are the sex ones.

1. because i've never had sex.

2. sex isn't my world...not just because of not ever doing it but it's just not at the center of what i care about...so why this blog? k, just keep reading.

i was sorta justifying it in my head that it was okay to watch this show because hey, these are single women just like me (minus the casual sexing)...waiting for mr. right....they love to shop and especially for shoes! plus, they know what it's like to be the single person invited to an all-married activity...getting invited to your friend's kid's bday parties and being the only one there who's not a mom and not a kid...you're just in between...feels like adolescence all over again.

don't get me wrong. i love my friendships with my married mommas but this is just reality. i'll be at one of these parties, baby showers and the question from a random invitee is "which kid is yours?" and then there's "oh you're not married?"

nope. i'm not. it's cool. i'm fine. just makes it awkward when married people have lived in A married world for so long that they sort of assume we're all married. (not all but most)

anyway, to the point of this blog. i found comfort in watching sex and the city. it also made me feel like a rebel for watching a show that revolves around single women's sex lives. that's normal. people have sex outside of marriage and inside of marriage all the time. just not me. but i want to someday. shows like these make me wanna know what it's like even more. and even though it's on tbs, the sensuality is pretty graphic, so then my mind flashes these images at random times. it's odd and embarassing....

that ever happen to you? random flashes of people going at it? it's either from stuff you've seen or just assumptions of it...weird, but i can't help but think, "she got knocked up by her hubby or some guy," any time i see a pregnant woman. if i see a married couple, the thought is "they have sex. they like do it whenever they want. crazy." lol oh man, i can't believe how awkward this is getting...haaa...annnnyway....

i decided i'd stop watching sex and the city. even though it's comforting to watch other single women venture out on finding mr. right, it's not reality for me. i'm not trying on every shoe that's on sale. i'm saving my money for the best, most unique pair of shoes my feet will ever step into. they'll fit just right and look super cute...totally worth it. :-)

Facebook, Hello Again!

crazy. i didn't think i could do it. a whole month away from social networking. but i did.what i did instead was read, talk to God, blog, work. nope, i'm not perfect yet but its crazy how much i was on facebook...tryin' to connect myself to something...an idea-that by being on facebook constantly i'm still plugged into something..

i'm in florida and i can't keep neglecting friendships God's put in my way. love is clearer to me...

spent time with people i don't usually spend time with...heck i never really spend time with that many people....but anyway...learning to love expecting nothing in return. learning to love when it's inconvenient. it's okay to give of myself. not be afraid of being hurt.

trusting God, it's like an art or somethin'...an art of living....anyway, i've made it to chapter 17 of blue like jazz so far...the donald miller book...i didn't read it religiously(ok i did at first) but man it feels good to read a book written by someone who thinks a whole lot like me...i mean, i even blogged about the guy....wanting to marry him....haaa...

in other news, hey i'm still losing weight...down 46 pounds so far...feels good. yay!

so i just posted my first status update back on facebook...felt good to see that little red icon with numbers poppin' up numbers of comments...been wondering if the fast/break from facebook worked? because when i told my brother i was fasting facebook, he was like "oh cool! what are you fasting for? a big decision? job?" and i was like, "oh, well, i guess just wanting God to be my first priority instead of facebook. don't wanna have idols..." i felt convicted about makin' it my idol. it's interesting how when we put an idol down, we pick up another. whatever's accessible. i started idolizing a person. reminds me of reading louie giglio's book on worship a long time ago..said we were made to worship...so even though i put facebook down....i still struggle with idolatry...

project runway season 3

it's my favorite season.

it's my pick for this friday night.

"God is alive and well and working on my side. He wasn't drunk today like he was the day I had to work with Angela's mom..." -Jeffrey Sebelia

i thought it was funny. never thought of God being drunk. he's perfect so i guess that wouldn't happen....but he was human....a perfect human. never read of him being drunk...ah well, i still love the honesty in that comment jeff made.

there's just something i really appreciate about honesty. even when it hurts at first. it's refreshing and a lifesaver in the end.

fogged up lenses...

gosh. my last entry was pretty emo. honest--but still emotions aren't always the best lenses for reality, ya know?

ah well...things are better...the night is over and it's a new day....i have to contend for the goodness that always remains...God's super faithful and trustworthy...people are people, what can you do you?...it's rhetorical...

anyway, my lenses aren't fogged up anymore...

makes sense though...when things get heated, your lenses can fog up...

anyway...life goes on!

tonight...

just when i thought i was over missing my life in nashville...it hit me again.

by october i'll have been living in florida 2 whole years. 2 whole years of my life. sounds like a long time and why do i still miss nashville? my heart hurts.

out of all the people i've met so far. don't feel like anyone loves me the way my friends in nashville loved me. me, me, me....sound familiar? oh mercy. *sigh* i really did sigh.

i feel like i have to try extra hard here to be loved. rejection is a fear off and on. i have a married couple here that i'm friends with the most. they're the only people i have history with. sometimes i'm afraid they don't really love me how i want to be loved.

maybe i'm just thinking way too much or letting my emotions get the best of me tonight. just feels like i put so much into our friendship and just wanting to feel loved and sometimes it feels not the same on their end. this could just be the fact they have kids and their own agenda. i wish someone would bend over backwards to spend time with me (yep i've got issues). maybe they do and i just don't see it. all i see is my side of the story...maybe i'm putting way too much responsibility on their end...they don't have to love me...i should love them, expecting nothing in return. yep.

then there's Jesus. i know. he died a horrible death on the cross so we could hang. no pun intended. but he's still invisible. i hate how hard this is. God why do you have me here? i'm not talking just physically but spiritually? i feel lousy. i'm a horrible lover. i can't love like you. i've never had to put so much into being selfless like you. i suck at being selfless. it hurts me a lot and i'm always afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of. i think this is the part where you want me to learn to trust you more or something like that...

i guess i miss nashville because it represents the people that have loved me unconditionally. i made my first real friends there. by real friends i'm talkin' people who would lay down their lives for me...i guess that's how i was able to understand God's love too...(thanks donald miller for helping me see that)..nashville's the place where i first got a glimpse of what it meant to be real. the hunger began there. "dying to my flesh"....nashville's where i first met up with that truth of the Bible....i guess i miss familiarity too. busyness helps me forget but at the end of the day, i'm alone. yeah God is present, i know, even while i type this, but i still miss.

man, i wish i was married by now. i want to have sex someday. was thinkin' about deleting what i just said but whatever. i'm just being honest...anyway, i want to share popcorn with my bestfriend. i want to go shopping with him. i want to make him coffee. i want to play scrabble with him. i wanna talk with him. where is he? i wish i knew. i'd take the first flight to see him, meet him, love him.

see, my heart's all over the place tonight. scattered.

Pet Peeves...ugh

before you read this blog, -i have to warn you- it's my most shallow post. yep. ok. go ahead. take it like a grain of salt or pepper....somethin' like that...

i'm just gonna use this blog post as my jar of pet peeves, drop'em in whenever they happen...

first one today so far: women who wear manly pants....why do women think it's cool to dress like men?? who said it was flattering?? feminine??? ties, suspenders, that's fine...but plain ugly boxy man pants? there is nooooo reason a women should dress like the next dockers ad for men.

ugh. why can't women just embrace being women???

i'm not even talkin' like get all mani-pedi girly and all but come on! be the girl, lady, woman you were born to be. no makeup, fine. then smile dangit! smiles do wonders for you.

is the relationship you're in something you can see ending up in marriage? if not, then lose those wrinkles girlfriend! seriously!!

i'm 30 and that's why i don't look 30. i look younger. not because of botox but because of choices combined with embracing being a woman...and the fact i have oily skin...

alright. didn't know how passionate i was about this, but this girl sitting across from me in starbucks is driving me nuts! boring grey man t-shirt, boring grey man pants, and ooh! cute sandals. that's it. she's saved by her gladiator-inspired silver sandals. whew. okay, that helps...BUT NOT ENOUGH!

dang. am i being mean here??? anyone out there feel me??? somebody! i wish someone would respond to my blogs.

oh yeah, facebook fast's going grrrreat! ....;-)

i vant to marry donald miller (tryin' to sound french)

there i said it. he's the reason for my blogging twice in one day!

i've been reading his book, "blue like jazz" and wow. i had forgotten how refreshing it was to be real. i realized "oh em gee, i forgot how to be real." but thanks to donny, i'm remembering.

i heart him.

i think every girl who's read any of his books has at some point developed a crush on mr. miller. it's like having a crush on your teacher back in elementary school...and daydreaming about being the teacher's pet...for me it'd be daydreaming about someday crossing paths with donald miller and we end up talking forever...you know, being real and all, and we fall in love and it's the most real love between 2 people....i hope i meet my donald miller soon...

oh and look at his picture up there! for an older guy, not too shabby, huh? hottie!

hmmm...."leslie miller." how does that sound??

yeah, not so much...

oh well...it was worth dreaming....hoping...