Stuffed and ready for more!

(this blog's gonna be kinda random but i promise it won't be depressing)it's now been a week since i arrived home to texas for the holidays and i'm already dreading the saying goodbye part. i've had such a great time with my family and i wish my days were always full of family time.

been stuffing my face like crazy and i feel like there've been lots of God-moments since the week i left. by "God-moments" i mean i've had some rich conversations with strangers and with family.

just finished eating some of my dad's famous fajitas and my mom's amazing beans with rice, then my sister's amazing cake and coffee...it's safe to say i am stuffed! i didn't even want to move earlier because i was so full...pushed myself off the bed to do something other than nap. Sunday naps are the best but can be dangerous right after such stuffage of the face. i've had like no self-discipline in my eating during this vacay...i eat and eat and eat...it's soooo good..the food..

alright, lets get down to business...taking a look back at this year, i think God's always so merciful to me. i could very well be His favorite.. don't hate...i'm sure HE somehow loves you the same...haa

i want to apologize for the plethora of depressing blog entries i've produced since the beginning...things are changing and i've learned...i'm ready for more to learn but with a new perspective..there's a slight fear attached to me saying all that...like "oh man, what if some bad stuff has to happen for more learning? who likes having bad stuff to deal with?? not me.."

next year i want to get to the root of the things that hinder me from walking closer to God. i want to ask those hard questions without fear of what the answers are. i want my mission in life to be, making Jesus famous with all i got.

it's His will, right?

k...nap time!

Music, Coffee Shop, The Holidays

i love all the christmas decor. i love the music. sitting in a coffee shop is cozy. it makes for a bloggy mood.

i'm single and i think now i have a healthy dose of alone time.

before, i think i had too much time alone that it sort of made me resent married couples. bad. i know.

most people thought it weird that an outgoing girl like myself was having trouble connecting. there were single people i knew but no real connections.

it's easy to automatically point the finger at me. i even did. i would ask God what was wrong with me. i missed my nashville friends so much.

the only explanation i have is that it was a season God wanted me to grow through. this was the season of me being a student.

i don't think i made all the right choices to fully grow in that season but i'm still thankful for the stuff i did grow in.

spiritually, i don't think i've grown too much. i take full responsibility for that. i know i could make more of an effort but havent. well, not until now.

the people i'm surrounded by are all about their faith. they live it, so it makes me wanna live it. it's been like a week that i've not been so livin' it. by that i mean, like, i haven't watered the plants. no bible, yes some prayer but slackin'. i don't want to wake up earlier than i already have to. guess my flesh is king these days. i get home and i want to be lulled by the television. i don't even have the good cable.

excuses excuses. that bothers me. something else that bothers me is something that happened last night. i went to a cell-group and as an ice breaker we bounced a ball of questions around. my question was "what/who would you give your life for?" the christian answer would be "Jesus." I said it. honestly i've not thought about that. i don't wanna just say something because it's proper or because it's the christian response. i wanna say i would die for JEsus because i know in my heart without a doubt. would i sacrifice all for Him? if someone were to put a gun to my head and ask me to deny Jesus exists, i'd argue back with the truth that He does but do i have all the ammunition to defend myself? oh man, i'm waaaay over analyzing here...remember colombine? "do you believe in God?" basically, if i said "yes," i wanna die for saying "yes" from the bottom of my heart. that's all my drama these days..

Thanks and Giving...

just realized this holiday is made up of 2 verbs back to back. interesting.

people usually say "thanks" after you give them something.

some people give things as a way of saying "thank you."

anyway, it's now a little over a month that i've been working at the q99.7, a new radio station in feeding hills, mass. october was a bit extra stressful due to the annual pledge drive to raise money so we can stay on the air. i'm still learning where everything's at.

there are days i stay late just catching up. i'm on the morning show and on mid-days. i'm supposed to do office work in between and i guess after. this tires me. but i'm not here to complain. i'm thankful i have this job. this is what i've always dreamed of doing. if i don't get rest, too bad. i'm gonna stick it through. i'm gonna fight.

first time in my life i only have to worry about cleaning my toilet and no one else's.

first time in my life i get to sleep in on the weekends.

first time in my life i have a set schedule 5 days out of the week.

first time i get to talk and encourage on 2 shows in one day every day!

first time i get to be a part of those "work meetings" every week.

first time i get to live on my own in a city that experiences all 4 seasons.

first time i get to make coffee because i want to, not because i have to.

i get to give encouragement to people who've grown up without it.

i get to know those people that are usually portrayed on movies like home alone and all those east-coast-ish based movies. i'm living in the midst of it.

so anyway, i'm thankful and i don't wanna forget all this when things get stressful...i love that my work place allows me to stop, ask for prayer/encouragement to go on and do the best that i can do. that's my goal. i want to do my best. best part about this job is that it's FUN!!

p.s. if you like the picture i posted, you can find more at http://www.epiclifecreative.com/

it's been 2 weeks since you looked at me....

living in massachussetts. it’s a long name to spell. aside spelling it out, i love it.

the new job is still new but it’s never boring. i get to be surrounded by a team who loves Jesus and He’s the center of this whole radio ministry. it’s that missional focus that lured me in. sure it can get a bit stressful but it’s only when others get stressed…sometimes it could me, sometimes it could be others. there’s some that are always steadfast and i’m glad i get to be sharpened by them. i need to learn how to be steadfast. to hold on to the truth over whatever my circumstance.

it’s so crazyto think that i’m seeing faces of new england i have never seen before and God had it all planned. these faces i would see some day. here we are. every face has a story. i wonder. the lady in her black and white coat, what’s her story? that couple sitting in the booth across from me, what’s their story? the lady that asked me to move out of my seat yesterday, what’s her story? if i keep this in mind, i hope compassion keeps stirring into flame…

i’m still praying about what church i’m supposed to be a part of but then again, i kinda feel like i already belong in one. the question is, do i feel this way because i work with a lot of those people at my job, or is this another comfort zone i need to avoid? like, are the connections i’ve made with these specific people part of God’s plan to lead me in the right direction? i’m gonna pray about it some more.

i wanna pray more. i need more of that in my life. whatever happened to praying and believing God would do what He said He would do if we did? feels like i just faded out of believing in santa clause or somethin’..

all this to say, i love it here in massachussetts. it’s dark. it’s unchurched. it’s where i belong. not because there are people like me. it’s because there aren’t. i’m not sayin’ oh look at me, i’m perfect. no. what i am sayin’ is i have hope. hope is here. i’m just another candle to add to the mantle here in new england. hoping to expand the radius of hope in a dark cold place. not everybody is cold during the cold. but there’s a huge chunk of glaciers that need thawing. i’m here to be of use. i’m thankful. this excites me. my drama can be used to thaw. how cool. so if you think of me, pray for courage. it’s not always easy to be open and transparent but i think that’s why it’s so powerful…

if i stick with Jesus, i guess fear will be demolished. pray for me to keep coming to God for everything, every day. i can’t do this alone.

6 days left in florida...

did my last saturday show today...felt all choked up...i'm just extremely grateful to the joy fm and the listeners who really just make up the station as a whole. we wouldn't be a radio station at it's full potential without the listeners. just wouldn't flourish. i love that non-profit radio stations can have that special relationship with listeners. we both grow in our giving of the resources we've been allotted...we're a community. for that reason, i love Christian radio. i haven't heard of any mainstream radio stations that are that connected with their listeners.

i feel like i owe them all so much. the joy fm staff for giving me a chance at this craft and discovering how much i really do love it. the listeners for giving me seconds of their time to learn all this. it's been such a rich radio experience and outside radio, living in florida has been a stretch; an uncomfortable one. like wearing shoes that don't fit. but if you gotta cross over on hot coals, no matter how tight the shoes are, you'll wear'em and they'll work for you while you cross over to the other side...

so yeah, in 6 days i'll be on my way to massachussetts, where fall and winter do exist. wow.

..ventilation..

whether you include me in your plans or mention my name or not..doesn't give me value but i still don't get it. my feelings are still hurt...i'm sick of being overlooked..

it's like a relationship of unrequitted love. you know when you're more into somebody than they're into you? that's what it feels like anyway..

i hate feeling this way. rejection sucks.

i'm so tired of this struggle. but i guess not tired enough because i always come back to it.

maybe if i looked a certain way, was extra skillful or rich, then they'd include me more..

solomon would say this is all "meaningless, a chase after the wind.." and i guess he'd be right..

i'm just venting...

boohoooo

ever have those days when you just don't get it?

i'm tryin' to be as objective as possible but it's like a thorn in my flesh that keeps pokin' right at the center of my heart...

ever since i was a kid maybe i sorta felt left out...

i wasn't planned by my parents and my siblings and i joke about how everything stopped when i was born...family trips and all that stuff because you can't take a baby on rides...

i was the surprise...

maybe i took all that to heart...ah, i don't know but it's something i struggle with off and on. it's weird though because my personality today doesn't match my past.

ever since i realized who Jesus Christ is and what He did for me, it's like a click happened between my brain and my heart..but after that the issues still remain..now it's like my job to work through all this mess..

all this resurfaced today (happens off and on)...i didn't get to go to something i really wanted to go to...like nobody thought, hey it's leslie's last month, maybe she'd wanna go with us? nope. earth to me. the world doesn't revolve around me. duh. boohoo. so needless to say, all these feelings of being left out are triggered and i'm upset, sad but trying to look up.

talked to God about it yesterday...part of me wonders if i should've asked if i could go. but then that's just like me the little sister asking if i could tag along and who likes that? i don't know, maybe i should've asked...ah well. the truth is that if God thought it necessary for me to go, he would've had me go. God is faithful and i need to trust that. so faithful.

anytime this thorn in my flesh pokes, i don't wanna give in to the lie that i'm missing out but it's habit. man, God is so good though...He's makin' my dreams come true. He really hears every cry and even last night when i was struggling with this whole thing of "everybody gets to go except for me," it's like hello! i'm not married with children, tied down that this would be my only chance at fun..i can get up go anywhere i want. plus, the new adventure God's so generously bestowed upon me! i get to move to mass. for my first full-time radio gig! ..so neat, like, God knows my favorite things and He's setting it up just like that...my favorite weather, lifestyle, shopping...sounds cheesy but God's creator of it all...even cheese, which i sooo love, btw..

plus, i guess my kind of theme park is the mall or h&m. the only time i'd ride a rollercoaster is if the weather is cool enough...last year i got to go to disney world for the first time and only got on 2 or 3 rides...it was fun but i think i would have more fun sitting in a coffeeshop spending time chatting with good friends and laughing. i love laughing. may God never take that away from me. and if He would, i'd still get to laugh in heaven i'm sure. i wonder why there's no documentation of Jesus laughing...there's a verse that says he wept...wrote on the ground..but i know He laughed. we're made in His image and come on, he camped out with a bunch of simpletons...they had to have laughed...

k, back on topic..i'll get over it. i asked God if i'll ever overcome this thorn of mine and turns out that we'd be perfect if we didn't have a thorn in our flesh...i guess we all have a thorn. we all have a weakness. it's what's supposed to propel us to lean on God's grace, strength..and not our own. okay. but in His grace, strength, we do overcome moment by moment..

oh and aside my little drama...9 years ago today our world was changed on september 11, 2001 when the world trade center was demolished by terrorist attacks...3,000 lives lost...i hope it never happens again..