Not FAiR!

today it's one of those "it's not fair!" days.

why do i have to keep working at starbucks??!

why didn't learn this stuff earlier in life? now i'm 30 and barely learning!

grr.

rrrrr.

and then to top it off, kloe kardashian has her own radio show in miami, fl.

how the heck??!!

why should i be happy for her??

she didn't have to work her butt off at all!

she was born into a rich family!

their work consists of looking good and semi-managing a clothing store!

why does she get to have her own radio show??

this is soooo Not FAiR!!!

meanwhile i have to keep working at effin' starbucks. yep. i said effin. it's bad. let me be rebellious for a mili-second, okay?! seriously. i never got to cuss as a kid. so just suck it up and listen to my heart here!

God!!! thank You for this opportunity. i know the fact i even have time on air is pure gold...it's just that, why is she gettin' to do this? she's not even helping people!

*sigh*

then His response: "your job has eternal value."

it makes a difference in eternity. ok. hers is too though. just not positively.

the other day i had to re-read the end of the book of john. the part in particular i was needing to read was when peter is walking with Jesus after his resurrection...at this point Jesus had already appeared to the disciples like 3 times...anyway, lemme paraphrase all this...

so Jesus fills peter in on how he's gonna die in the future...and then peter looks back and sees john following him and Jesus. so peter asks Jesus, "what about him? will he die before you return??" and then Jesus says, "what's it to you what i do with John? you follow me."

"you follow me." that's it? what did Jesus mean? well, i guess i always understood it as, "you focus on me and don't be concerned about what i do with other people?" i guess if i follow Jesus and you follow Jesus, we're all going to the same place with Jesus...

so i guess i shouldn't be all up on God's grill about what He's doing in other people's lives...

i guess i get jealous and i think that's exactly what Jesus didn't want for me, nor peter.

the greatest career choice, dream, vision, call for your life is following Jesus.

no matter if you've known Him for years or for about a minute....it's technically not fair but that's the beauty of having God as our Lord. His mercy allows us to learn from opportunities we could never earn on our own.

it's universal. 2+2=4 everywhere in the world. to have a relationship with God it's gotta be through Jesus. and no matter what we do in life, we're following Jesus.

okay. i'm done being redundant. God is faithful.

this is my psalm.

S E X.

this topic is one i've always avoided.

it's the one "you just don't talk about."

but God created it, right?

so it's not bad.

just like anything, i guess it gets abused.

so lately i hear a lot of jokes. sexual ones. usually about penis-this or that. it's sooo common.

it makes me wonder if something's wrong with me for squirming at the sound of the word itself.

so today i was just wondering if there were people who would make sex jokes back in bible times.

you think so?

well, david, the man after God's own heart, was also a man whore. i don't know if men were crude back in the day.

today it just seems like guys are defining manhood with crudeness.

it grosses me out.

i don't wanna hear about penises. i don't wanna hear about vaginas.

can't we just be cool without all that extra info.?

i'm trying to dig for a reason why people have a need to bring up sex??? why? what's the point? why is it something funny? i don't understand why it's funny.

it's a good thing. it's almost like an art piece to me. granted i haven't crossed that path yet, i imagine it's something personal and kinda like a diamond at tiffany's.

i mean, who jokes about a diamond? it just doesn't make sense.

but there i am in the midst of somekind of sex talk at work.

am i curious? yes but i think the stuff i don't know, i don't need to know yet. i mean, my life is fine without knowing that stuff yet.

until i have a husband, then i guess some tips from a few of my closest friends would do.

i wish i could talk about this more openly so that maybe you could see where i'm coming from. but it's awkward.

i mean, if my own brothers were to tell me penis jokes, how disgusting would that be? i'd freak! why would we even go there?? or why would i tell them sex jokes?

i don't want to be prude here but seriously, i think life is full of bloopers outside of sex and body parts.

all this is my response after watching the movie, "funny people." i compromised and watched the entire movie even though certain parts made me feel uncomfortable. "well i covered my eyes" or "i tried not to hear..." but there i sat.

i guess part of me was curious and the other part of me was wanting for my mainstream friend to be comfortable with me. i don't want to be the friend that you can't watch this with. i want her to feel like she can be herself with me without worrying about offending me. i took a risk. i hope my friend saw that.

is it possible to feel uncomfortable without feeling convicted? or am i trying to justify this?

what was the outcome?

well, my friend had a great time with me! she's had a rough life up to this point and i wanted her to be able to laugh and be at ease with someone who loves her unconditionally. she's a victim of domestic violence/abuse and so anyway...

i hope i made the right decision.

Super Good Feeling

that's a favorite bleach song of mine...bleach was one of the best bands in the christian music industry back in the day...

anyway, this blog isn't about them.

i just love that i'm here in florida for such a time as this! ya' know? this is such a new process for me and even though times get not so comfy, the adventure of living for God far outweighs the worst of days.

i'm not always obedient but i want to be.

i'm not always thankful but i want to be.

i'm not always cool and even though i want to be...you know, so i can be accepted...

motives. they're a big deal.

i'm not here to live up to anyone's expectations of me even though sometimes i think i am.

here's the truth: i'm here to reach my full potential in Christ. i'm already accepted by Him.

i'm here as an instrument to God.

why do i keep forgetting the essentials? crazy me.

well, just the other day i was reminded of my passion to include people.

God gave me a gift to be able to connect easily with people, not so that i could be popular or "cool" but to point people to Him; unconditional Love.

i want to be an encouragement to people, not a discouragement.

i know what it feels like to be left out.

i know what it feels like to not be the best looking.

i know what it feels like to be a nerd, dork, geek...

yep. i know.

i never ever want to make someone feel like they don't belong.

if anything, i want people to feel God's love like soundwaves when you're at a loud concert standing right by the speakers. ya'know? to where it leaves your ears ringing and you're deaf to the world even after it's all over. ha!

there are days when i'm working at starbucks and my heart and mind are more alert to this invisible work of God...so when i realize what's up, i go along with God's work...

okay God. i'm with You. yes, let's do this.