Porch blog

gotta sit on out on the porch on days like these. man, it's so nice out. it's like the constant breezes are constant kisses all over my face! i don't like my hair gettin' flipped inside out but it's worth it for those..."kisses."

the clouds are sitting still this afternoon. they're almost cartoon shapes of themselves. cumulus with just the right fluff under a sheet of business shirt blue. that's the sky today.

i'm still on this journey to wellness. weight watchers has been a good vehicle for me to get there. i'm no longer blind to what i put into my body. if this is what self-control feels like, i like it. my butt doesn't get stuck in between the arm-rests of my friend's rocking chair anymore. it's like not waking up from the coolest dream ever.

trusting in God over the circumstances of each day is my somewhere over the rainbow. when i'm able to be steadfast, it's like a pot of gold. this requires discipline to devotion. i'm slowly gettin' it. i'm so glad God knows me inside out and the stuff that terrifies me about me is nothin' on His radar. i mean, what God sees is more than what any of us could see up in an airplane (and you know when you look out the window of an airplane, you can see a lot). He sees the completion, the whole me in Christ. in Christ. the new creation. i've been ruined for the good. knowing the fact that i was made for this is why quitting never really is an option. it could be a thought but that's as far as it'll get. how do you know that what you're doing is what you're made to do? no matter how much work you put into it, it just never seems like enough and there's a desire always driving you to do it better. you'll search for whatever it takes to help you do it well. and it ticks you off when you sell yourself short. ah, the passion. :-)

you're my witness. God is faithful. i have hope that at the perfect time, i'll be a mid-day jock for a great radio station and i'll do it well. and when it gets tough, which should be expected, God's strength is my assurance. don't know how else to explain it.

UNearthly...

if you've read any of my blogs, you know i struggle with a plethora of insecurities...i practically compare myself to anything that breathes...people who are insecure are self-centered. that's me. horrible disease really. i eventually care more about what others think of me and so i base my value on those opionions/responses/relationships. life sucks when i base my value on earthly things. doesn't work. got so self-centered that i pretty much ignored the fact i know a living God. God. THE God. Him. The creator of the friggin' universe. yeah and He knows everything...instead i let my feelings dictate. starts off gradually and then before you know it, you're basing every thought and decision on feelings. sounds absurd but praying didn't even occur to me as an option.

started facebooking a friend with this stuff....her sharing about personal struggles in life really helped make getting back on track with God accessible again.

so this past wednesday, before i went to work, i decided to pray...can't remember all i said but i know that my prayer was real...nothin' fancy but my heart. i knew i needed God to help me through the day...plus, i don't know what it is but anytime i've made time for God, the day is rough and before i knew it, at work, i started to feel the pressure...that feeling i get from thoughts: "you're not worthy, you're not good enough and they all know it and you know it." ouch. started to dwell more on this thought and it was sucking joy out quick. typically i've made the habit of just dwelling on those thoughts and then take it out on anybody around. pretty much hating life at those moments....

thought about my options, well only 1 option...like maybe God was trying to ween me out of this life-sucking cycle...so i decided to step out in faith. i walked out of the building and took a walk to a nearby pond. there i pryed open my heart and thoughts to God. told him what i was struggling with. jealousy and fear of rejection go hand in hand....i was hurting and about to break....so i did...outside....me and God. hashing it out. i told God i didn't know how the heck i was gonna do this. i've been so unfaithful in the sense of, i've put my whole trust in the opinions of others than the truth. so all this to say, i had a good talk with God about everything going on...God says my value's not based on anything earthly. then i told God about how i was worried maybe i'm too messed up to overcome all this and that maybe i won't be successful in radio...then God's humor kicked in, "you were even more messed up earlier in life and I still brought you here." and it's true. being on the radio is my dream that's coming true one day at a time.

i'm onto a real start with God again. i asked for strength and realized i can't do this radio stuff on my own at all. it just won't work. i NEED God. I need alone time with God. it's not some form of legalism. breathing because i need to live isn't being legalistic. it's a need. it's more than a need. it's vital. if i don't breathe, i will die. God is this. i can't live without God or i will die. the dreams will die. the passion will die. i'm created to glorify Him. everything is made by him for him.

i love that switchfoot song, "learning to breathe," because it's so true. i guess i'm learning that God is life. so on this good friday i'm thankful that God gave up his only son He had so i could have a chance at knowing what hope, grace, love and redemption are. HE paid an unearthly price for me. cute blog, eh? nope, i'm not canadian i just like sayin' "eh?" :-)

Here's the dealio:

hi! lemme just give you a brief on what the heck i've been doing here in floridia...oh wait, before i go, isn't the pic. of the "boombox" to the left cute?? think i wanna save up to get one...i love how old stuff just keeps coming back in style...ecclesiastes-ish in the sense, there's nothing new under the sun...annnnyway, right now i'm learning how to be more relaxed while talking live on the air during my air shift. i'm also learning how to gather good content from daily life (always having a pen/notepad handy to jot down ideas/bits)....whenever i get to watch my radio mentor do his job it blows my mind....how the heck will i ever be able to be that clever and fast and witty??? i'm 30!!! wow. i'm starting life late i guess. do you think God will redeem the time? yep. me too. God is good. why God chooses to use messed up people: He's so "purple cow." ;-) He thinks outside the box.

before i keep unraveling the dealio, been learning it's okay to be transparent about stuff you're going through in life. it's okay to be sad. it's okay to be frustrated. it's okay to hate your job sometimes. it's okay not to. it's okay to not have it all together.

i think it sometimes makes others feel uncomfortable that i sorta wear my emotions on my sleeve. is it the same thing as sayin' i wear my heart on my sleeve? well if so, then yeah, that's me. i hate fake. sadly i can be fake lots of times. the good thing is that i'm not as fake as i used to be. i find freedom from fake when i get real with God and just give him the raw footage of my thoughts, the stuff in my heart. no matter how ugly.
i think one of the reasons why i've been struggling so much here in florida is that all my weaknesses have been highlighted here. i've had issues of pride and fear of rejection. living in florida i realized those issues will always take up residence where truth isn't. am i miserable here in florida? no. seriously, it's not that bad when i have the right perspective. that's me looking at these challenges as opportunities and as God working on me to build character and a real devotion to Him.

i don't have real devotion. i realized i don't know what's like. it bothers me. i wanna be real. i want to not care about the opinions of others. i want to love the way Jesus did. to lay down his life for a friend. i want to really love who God is. there's people/friends i know that don't believe this "God-stuff" and it's mainly because there are few within christianity who choose to really love the way Jesus asked us to. He said those were the 2 most important commandments. to love God with all heart, soul, mind, strength and to love our neighbor as ourself....but we always base our responses/actions/beliefs on everything around love....the rules, the rules, the rules....the laws....yeah the law is perfect and it shows us where we're wrong, not so we point the finger but so that we'll run to grace. realize we need it. realize we need to extend it toward others...

oh man, how messed up i've been. i'm just thankful God's willing to start from scratch with me. all that being said, a God who loves us so perfectly can be trusted. i don't need to fear rejection from others. it's gonna happen. but God won't reject me. weird how i can feel so rejected but just because i feel it doesn't mean it's real or true. feelings suck. feelings are sooo overrated. and truth is so underrated.

this is why this will all be worth it...i want my life to point to hope. i feel like that hope is like a light that gets brighter and hotter with every step of faith....basically choosing to live outside your comfort zone and not giving up.

life can leave you feeling/speaking like the book of lamentations but even then in that depresssing book in the Bible, hope never dies. so yeah, it's okay to not have it all together. in my weakness is where God teaches me more how to depend on him instead of on man, man-made things, my own strength....it's humbling and sometimes humiliating....

how can any of this be good if it causes so much pain and discomfort inside? good question. just like exercise, when you first start, it's hard, sweaty and leaves you sore...you don't wanna do it anymore because it hurts and how can this be good? in reality it's toning your muscles and burning fat and increasing your endorphins...it's good for us. it's healthy. so it is in life with God. it's not easy and now i see why it says in the bible that it's a narrow road people tend to say "peaceout" to. good character is pure muscle and as it's getting built up, you become stronger/wiser and able to continue walking, standing, fighting not just for you but for others.

starbucks

this week i hate working there.

it's a love/hate relationship....so weird i never thought i'd say that...

anyway....ive got new dreams to dream...to live.

had a good talk with ronda today.

instead of whining about how there's nobody around my age here...i'm gonna go hunting for them and it's gonna be full of purpose...

i can't be the only one...they're out there...

Happy V-day to my Future Boo:

hey boo!
so....guess we'll spend another valentines day apart. the neat thing is i don't miss you(because we've never met). sucks though because...there's all these lovesongs that keep getting written...none of them will have the full effect on me until i hear'em sitting next to you. sweet. i know. i'm a romantic. you're gonna love me.

so today i'm gonna babysit for some married friends. you'd be proud of me...if you were here but you're not so someday i guess you'll read this and be like "awwww.." haaaaa...this is funny. me writing to you before i even meet you. if i had friends i wouldn't be typing right now...but God kicked me out of tennessee where all my friends were...the single ones. so now i'm stuck thinking about you....no offense. i just didn't think as much about you when i lived over there.

i hope you're someone everyone loves to be around. i hope you play the piano. if you don't, no worries, we can learn together. and then you can buy me a piano for our house. yep. that'll be swell.

good night love...

your bride.

p.s. i'm not marrying carson daly. it's just a picture i liked...

My 1st Girl Doctor

*just in case you don't wanna read girly stuff, this one is girly*

never been to one.

i'm 30 and this is my first time going to a gyno.

this won't be like a regular check-up though. i'm on my cycle so that's why.

the reason i'm going isn't because everybody's been telling me i need to go to one since i was 18...

i'm going because i felt something hard on my right breast.

and the weird thing about that was that i had a dream that i went to get checked and the doctor said "nothing's wrong with you but you should still get checked."

what the helicopters does that mean?

well as soon as i woke up i checked my breasts and that's what i found.

i'm not gonna lie. i'm kind of scared. not majorly but a bit. nobody's immune, ya' know?

my appointment is in about 10 hours.

my first thought is God forbid anything be wrong with me.

second is, what if it's my time to go.

third is, what do i waste my life on?

all this happened sunday. and since then, my perspective on life has shifted, not drastically but still significantly.

driving through traffic is not so bad considering it's a part of life. every person i come in contact with is more important to me. the little things in life that i've let get to me are shrinking.

what an opportunity to be on the radio.

what an opportunity to have the family i have.

what an opportunity to speak life to the souls that need it.

life really is good.

man, i don't want to die.

i want to live. really live.

not too many people know what's going on with me because i don't want to scare them. i don't want people depositing more fear into my life. that must be God's wisdom because i'm usually a big mouth....if you're reading this, it's for you to pray for me and simply that. please don't go around spreading gossip. keep this info. between you, me and God. thanks. (i'm posting that i have a new blog up on my fb status but no one ever reads my blog when i do that but i'm trusting the right people who are supposed to, will)

plus, i want to trust that everything's gonna be fine and i do.

i'm placing myself at the mercy of God.

God's mercy is immeasurable.

it's not anything i can earn or deserve but it's free.

it's available at my time of need.

i'd say this is a time of need but when i really think about it, i need God's mercy every day.

maybe this is something God wants me to realize.

it's something i know in my head but i'm not sure if that knowledge has found a way to connect to my heart.

God, all i can ask for is Your mercy. all this makes me wonder if i did something wrong. i thank You that i don't feel sick or anything like that. i thank you that You love me this much that you want to show me how much You love me every day so that i can find contentment in that. thanks for all the people you've placed in my life. they're all neat people. they make living in florida easier to cope with. please forgive me for saying i hate florida. i just hate the lessons i have to learn...like patience...i know asking for forgiveness isn't a way to earn your protection. it's just my natural instinct to do think that but i know it's not the truth. thank You for your protection this far. and i guess no matter what, i'll never lose You. that's good to know. you're all i have and that's a lot. you really are the salt of the earth. You make life taste better. thanks for choosing me to know You. i know i'm not the devoted daughter you've made me to be and yet it doesn't affect Your love for me. so God please let Your perfect love cast out all this stupid fear. You've overcome the world because You're great and strong and may every thing/thought that's contradictory to your truth bow before You. in Jesus' name So shall it be.

Rehab time

denying my flesh is like an alcoholic going through withdrawal...

it's so uncomfortable and painful and you can't see past the present....

the only thing you've known is to drink more alcohol...

same with flesh. doing what's inconvenient to me. doing the opposite of what i want to do.

you can kick scream cry sweat through the night.....it's almost unbearable and you see through hopeless lens...

but then the morning arrives....and the morning doesn't necessarily mean it's sometime in the a.m. you can awaken at any time and when you do, you can't believe you got through the night.

so things are turning. you may not feel it or see but it's happening. and when you do and the time is right, the microphone will be waiting.

you and i were made to be history makers and speakers of truth to all mankind. yep. good song.